forum Heyo, can someboooddy critique this??
Started by Deleted user
tune

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Deleted user

Yeah, you know me, this'll be cringy, confusing and full of grammatical errors. I'm trying to add more background details but I'm failing. Tell me how bad this is. This is an Epilogue for my second book. TURN BACK WHEN YOU CAN!!!
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The evening sun lowered towards the horizon, casting long shadows throughout the thick forest. Patches of gold lay on the leaf covered ground. A blonde walked alone in the forest, the terrain crackling under his feet.
He hasn’t been in this part of the forest in a very long time. The memories echoed throughout his head, each more painful than the next. He blocked them out and advanced through the forest.
He almost stumbled over some briars. It was a miracle that he didn’t die the last time he was here. He chuckled. The trees thinned out into a meadow with the giant oak in the center. This was a sight so familiar, he could still see the figure in white coming out from behind the tree. Three other people sat around the tree, waiting for him. Hunter waved at him from where he sat.
“Hey,” James greeted, “Where’s Audra?”
Hunter shrugged. “I dunno. Should be here soon, don’t get all upset.”
Bryan ran over to James, interrupting he and Hunter’s conversation. “Hey bro! Howsit?”
“Just fine,” He replied, glancing at Bryan’s sister sitting alone. “How ‘bout you?”
“Robert’s being weird, as always. I got a new game, I know don’t if you have it yet.”
James laughed. “I probably do. Is it fun?” I couldn’t play it if I did have it, I can’t afford to have expensive bills. He thought silently.
Hunter had walked over to his girlfriend and sat down with her, picking at the grass. James had made sure to always keep an eye on her, he didn’t trust her and never will.
Footsteps could be heard from the forest. Audra ran into the meadow.
“Sorry guys,” She panted. “Tom wouldn’t shut up about Layers of Tempest.”
Hunter got up, Ember following him. “So, I asked for a gathering here to address a major issue, our powers and the Amulets.”
James’ squinted. “What about it? You’re being too formal dude.”
Hunter rolled his eyes. “Obviously, the Amulets are a curse as we’ve all seen from this past month. I believe, or think,” He nodded to James. “That we should get rid of them.”
Ember spoke up. “I agree. If we die we’ll be trapped as the next Keepers’, or the Amulets may take our souls alive. These are powerful artifacts we’re dealing with, we can’t risk it.” She looked at the ground
“Welp, I can’t say anything about this, I don’t have one,” Bryan stated. “I’m normal and relatable!”
James shrugged, “This is between you three.”
“Audra?” Hunter asked.
She played around with the silver ring on her finger. “Fine.” She grumbled.
Ember took off the necklace that had laid on her neck and sat it on the base of the tree. Hunter followed suit with his bracelet. Audra hesitated before placing her ring down.
The Amulets disappeared into the tree. Audra had regret all over her face.
“Now, the elemental powers.” Hunter started. “I-”
Audra interrupted him. “What? You just made me get rid of my Amulet, i’m not giving up my Elemental powers!”
Hunter raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t make you do anything, you did that yourself. Anyway, can I not get interrupted?”
“Okay.” She mumbled, crossing her arms.
“So, as I was saying, I don’t think this is something we are meant to have. If it was, then wouldn’t everyone else have it? We might get the government on us, we almost did when Sycore attacked the school.”
Audra rolled her eyes. “The attack that you almost missed?”
“I was sick okay?”
“I agree once again with Hunter, it’d draw too much attention,” Ember added.
James thought for a while. He had more powers than all of them combined, literally. Did he really want to give it up? It was all that was keeping him from getting the authorities on him. He looked at his scars. Would it be a new beginning for him? A good choice? He really wanted an energy drink right now…
A stern ‘No’ made him look up. Audra was glaring at Hunter. “I do not want to give it up.”
“How does it help you?” The words came from James' mouth before he could react.
She looked confused. “Help me?”
“Yeah, I used my shapeshifting to pose as Lilac so I won't get in trouble for living alone underaged. How do your powers help you?”
“I don’t- know?” She asked.
“Well, I’m of age now so it shouldn’t be a problem. I’d need alot of excuses for why Lilac’s gone but I think I can pull it off.” He decided. It wasn’t an easy one, doubt still clogged his mind. “I agree with Hunter.”
“Fine.” She grumbled again. He felt satisfaction in knowing he changed her mind.
“So uh,” Bryan butted in. “how are you going to get rid of them?”
“Good question,” Hunter pondered.
Ember shifted on her feet. “I think I know how…” She walked a few paces away from the group and held out her hands. Her face looked anxious as she stood there her palms facing outwards. Her facial expression softened, and she looked relaxed.
Red and orange light came from her hands and flowed into the air. The magic was leaving her body!
“Wow,” Bryan gasped.
The magic floated to the top of the tree and a portion of it set on fire.
“Ember! You set the tree on fire!” Audra yelled.
“What?” Ember asked frantically, opening her eyes.
Hunter spoke up. “Wait, it’s not burning! I think it worked.”
Ember lifted her palms again and relaxed. No more magic came out. She tried to summon a ball of fire, nothing came out.
“How did you do that?” Hunter asked.
Ember looked proud. “I just relaxed myself and imagined all the power leaving my body, simple really.”
“Simple?” James questioned.
Hunter ignored him. “I’ll go next.” He held his palms up and relaxed himself. Brown magic came from his hands in a similar manner, flowing to another portion of the tree. It stopped abruptly and he opened his eyes. “Woah that felt weird…” He commented as he sat down against the tree with fire and rocks on top of it.
“You can go first Audra,” James told her.
She grumbled something unintelligible as she walked past him, her choppy black hair swinging behind her. She stood with the same pose as Ember and Hunter had, just more rigid. It took her longer for her to relax. Soon enough, blue magic was flowing from her hands. Clouds formed on top of the tree in another portion.
Now it was his turn. His heart raced. Was this the right thing to do? What if he got caught?
He took a deep breath and held his hands out palms up. He relaxed himself, imagining the magic flowing out of his body.
Nothing happened.
He tried again, willing it further.
Nothing.
A memory flashed through his mind. He remembered the woman who appeared to him in this very meadow, his rage as she insulted him, the bloody arrow that’d been embedded in his sister’s body being thrusted at her, blood spilling on the ground around her body, the magic that came from her body and surrounded him.
He knew what he had to do.
With shaking hands he reached down into his pocket. Ignoring everyone’s questions, he pulled out his pocket knife, the very same one that made the scars on his wrists. If he kept his powers the world would collapse. Something this powerful is not meant for humanity. He could kill somebody like he did and tried to when he was fifteen. He can’t trust himself, no matter how much he lied. He can’t become a monster again.
Hunter would have to find a new best friend, he’s good at that. Audra can find someone else to love, he didn’t matter. He had no family anyway, they’re all dead.
He brought the knife to his throat and stabbed himself. Blood ran down his neck and caught in his shirt. He fell to the ground and Audra ran to him.
“James! Why! Why you idiot?” She cried. He noticed how beautiful she looked when she cried. He struggled to breathe.
Hunter stood a few feet away in shock. Tears sprung from his eyes as he watched. Bryan covered his mouth with his hand. Ember held onto Hunter, trying to support him. She glanced over again, and started sobbing.
He understood now. She never meant anything that had happened. She was crying because she believed she caused this. With the last of his energy, he looked at his old enemy and smiled. A sweet smile. She looked him in the eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’ She mouthed out. ‘I’m so sorry!’
‘I forgive you.’ He mouthed back.
He looked at his girlfriend again. His vision went black. Audra was the last face he saw.

Audra cried in her dead boyfriend’s arms. Why had he done that? Why? She continued sobbing. She held onto his body as if it’d bring him back. A light appeared and started fading his body away. Magic flowed out of his body, all different colors, blue, grey, red, and brown.
“No! No! Don’t take him from me!” She screamed. Her arm passed through his body and he was gone.
The magic flew to the top of the tree adding to the fire, earth and sky. The fire bursted up with a flare, the earth grew in size and the clouds multiplied and sparked with electricity.
A grey symbol appeared in the sky, a bird, a dog, and a cat in an emblem.
And the meadow warped away.
It was gone and so was James.

@Becfromthedead group

  1. Maybe use a descriptive word/set of words other than blonde? It feels a little bland. Maybe try another description of blonde, like using an adjective like flaxen-haired, fair-haired, that sort of thing? It's up to you whether you want to change that or not, I just think referring to him as "the flaxen-haired boy" or something of that nature would flow nicely
  2. I only noticed it once, in the second paragraph, but you mixed present and past tense (Hasn't should be hadn't)
  3. "He had more powers than all of them combined, literally." You can take out "literally," it weakens the sentence
  4. "He really wanted an energy drink right now…" I'm not sure if this has any significance to what's happening or to a previous event in the story. If it means nothing, it's worth taking out.
  5. "Red and orange light came from her hands and flowed into the air. The magic was leaving her body!" Maybe try restructuring this, preferably without an exclamation point. With the way they're used nowadays (thanks text talk!), they tend to weaken rather than strengthen a statement.
  6. "No more magic came out. She tried to summon a ball of fire, nothing came out." Slightly redundant. Maybe try: "No more magic came out. She tried to summon a ball of fire, but nothing happened."
  7. "He can’t trust himself, no matter how much he lied. He can’t become a monster again." Again, like #2
  8. WOW okay that escalated quickly! Not so much a critique, but I'm kind of curious about the backstory. You said this is an epilogue (also congrats on even reaching an epilogue. I can't seem to finish a story myself), so I'm guessing a lot happened before this.
    Plot-wise, I enjoyed this. It was clear and easy to understand, even though I haven't read the rest of your work. I'm also just a sucker for people giving up power for the greater good.
    Also, I apologize if I was nit-picking too much. I really liked the passage and just wanted to help with stylistic stuff.

Deleted user

Thank you.
I fixed all the grammatical errors except seven. The reason for this is because James really likes energy drinks. He hates coffee so its the next best thing for him. He'd often get "drunk" on them and be on a sugar high. I did re-write it in a different way so it made more sense. "All this thinking really made him want an energy drink…"

Now, you said you wanted backstory, right? I'll see what I can do.

James' parents and little sister died in a car crash when he was eight. He went to live with his older sister, Lilac. He grew up with Hunter and they were best friends, they tackled school, bullies, and math together.
When Hunter became friends with Ember, James got extremely jealous. Soon enough, Hunter was spending more time with Ember than he. He went back to his depressed stage and started cutting himself he was lashing out at everyone around him, even Lilac.
One night, Lilac was attending her garden when she was shot by an arrow. James came out of the house and saw her. He tried to help but it didn't work. He saw who did it and ran, taking the arrow with him.
He stumbled upon the meadow where the Guardian(The Guardian balances the elemental and the Amulet powers.) of the amulets greeted him. She insulted him and he retaliated violently.
The powers she held went to him and before he could realize what he had done, he already had enough power for revenge. (This is why he kills himself, he stole the powers violently.)
At school it was worse than ever, he was lashing out left and right, leaving school, cutting himself, etc. He had become a supervillain caused by the superhero. He fought until he realized he was the problem and he was only causing more harm than anything. He learned that Ember was the one who shot and killed his sister, accidentality. He never trusted her since then. He wanted to kill her many times but always stopped himself, knowing that Hunter, his best friend, would probably kill him.

I'm still working on the alter-egos for book one, in my first draft I did not like how cliche they came out, but yes, this started out as a superhero story.