forum Guys! I Made an Entree in a Spoopy Writing Contest!
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Deleted user

Here it is!

Emily “Emi” P. Bolt

 The stir of her white dress gown broke the silence. She held her candlestick aloft, identifying the wooded halls of the cottage. She had rented it from a friend, though it was nothing like her friend’s description. Sure it had stables, an attic, two bedrooms and three bathrooms but… it was so strange. She thought it’d be more stylistic, since her friend was very house-savvy. 
 She shook her head, swallowing back fear. She rose from her bedroom to try and pinpoint a strange noise from her attic, though, she wasn’t sure if it omitted from there or not. It was groaning from the floorboards as if something was pacing the area above her head. Her grip tightened on the candlestick; she felt the cold, slightly warm metal (from the warmth of her hands) dig into her skin. It reassured her that this noise was not a dream. 
 She glanced up the hall, jumping as something touched at her peripherals. It was just one of the three bathrooms at the end of the hall. She breathed easy and turned into that said hall. 
 She heard her breath rattling in her ears. It was incredibly easy to get anxious in this silence. Especially considering it had grown stone-silent. The pacing above her head had stopped. She only heard her footsteps on the floorboards as she gazed up slowly at the ceiling, at a lone string of thread. It drew up to the door of the attic. 
 She set her candle down, careful that it doesn’t splutter onto the below floorboards. She reached up, for she was rather short, and grabbed the string, pulling at it. The springs attached to the door groaned as she tugged at it. Through the now faded light, she spotted a few steps leading into the attic. She lifted the candle and climbed them. She looked around… glancing to and fro to find something glittering in the caught light. She jolted around and jumped when she caught sight of it.

A mirror. It reflected her scared white face.

Deleted user

I’ll accept some, but it was written on a whim, soo

I know it’s bad but hey

Deleted user

It’s a Herald Mail Halloween Writing Comp.

I only found out about it today, so I just jotted something down in hopes I might win.

Deleted user

Nope. I live in the Americas and I despise it.

I just use that type of language (especially bedgown) because it’s my style

People say i have a talent for writing

aaaaand i think my different style of writing has to do with it? Maybe?

is it even a different writing style than most US writers?

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Lol idk but that's not why I'm asking. I was wondering cause there's this UK competition that's really cool and I would have showed you had you said you lived in England. I can still show lo, but I think it's UK only

Deleted user

Aaarrrghhhh I don’t want to see it and be teased! Thanks for suggesting, though! But, did you have any thoughts on my writing?

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Yeah, actually :)
First of all, congrats on the jitters. I was nervous while reading.
So there are a few expressions or words that seem a bit out of context, not sure whether that's intentional or not, and that kind of disrupts the rhythm.
There are also some tense changes that I noticed that should maybe be corrected. Otherwsie,maybe some more immersive description, like the 6 senses sort of thing?
But, seriously, other than that, TOP NOTCH STUFF

Deleted user

It was intentional, the rythym changes, because I had a limit of word (350 was the limit! I almost exceeded it, too!) use, and I needed to get to my climax ASAP. I am aware of those tense changes, I’ll try to fix them if I extend the piece, as I might do. I WISH I could do more with it, but the 350

dang

I estinguished it hard and it was bad. I had to delete some of the work, I was v upset.

Also! Thank you so much! Sorry the structure is a little off, I’m still a young writer (with experience), hence the grammar problems.

Thank you! If I decide to extend it on a personal project I’ll be sure to share it with you!

Deleted user

Thank you! I sent it as soon as I was done and I’ll find out (if) I won or not on Wednesday!

tbh i’m not sure how many people my age entered so i don’t know the chances of me winning but i’m so excited!!

Deleted user

In the meantime would you mind critiquing my competition piece?

Absolutely! I’ll do the best I can!

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Thanks so much
She gripped the polished wood, base tucked beneath her tight jaw, bowing her violin. Her heart soared as the pure sound escaped her grip and swirled around the room, consuming all other senses. One perfect moment in time, simply her and the music.

She swept her hair back, forgetting the coffee cup in her hand; the scalding liquid poured all over her blouse. She squealed and stopped dead.

“I’m home!” she cried happily, swinging her bag down onto the couch and pirouetting to the kitchen. Her mother’s dark head popped around the door frame, grinning.
“Happy birthday to you,” the latter sang in her charming soprano voice. The girl bounded into the pale green kitchen to the fresh smell of chocolate cinnamon cookies.
“You truly are the amazingest person,” she lauded her mother and kissed her on the cheek.

She absently registered the zebra crossing her beneath her feet as she dabbed at her shirt. A loud yell sounded over top the city soundtrack, and she looked up to see a car racing towards her.

She looked over and noticed her mother had tears in her eyes. The almost-grown woman’s shoulders shook with silent laughter and she grabbed her Mom’s hand. She then had let go and look up as her name was called. She tightened her billowing robe and ignored her heeled steps echoing through the hall. She stepped up onto the stage.
“Congratulations,” the headmaster beamed, and handed her the golden diploma. Three one-armed hugs and a medal later, she was officially an adult. Thunderous applause burst from the audience.

Her eyes widened. Her feet were rooted to the spot. Was the car speeding? It looked like it was speeding.

Phillip got down on one knee. She stared. He gave her a crooked smile and took out a small blue velvet box.
“Oh my god,” she whispered.
He opened it to a simple silver ring crested with a small diamond. “Will you marry me?”
“Phillip, I… oh my god, yes. Yes!”

“Teresa!” Phillip screamed from the sidewalk. “Teresa!” He started running towards her, desperately pushing through the crowd, and he people were compelled OR driven to look around and realize what was going on. Everything blurred around her, and Teresa finally realized what was happening. She had just enough time to scream.

She choked on her breath, staring at the plastic test in her hand: plus. Plus. It was a plus. She cleaned up and went to the living room.
“Phillip.” He looked up from his book.
“Tess.” She lifted her gaze to look at his impossibly blue eyes. “Plus. I got a plus.”
He narrowed his eyes in cluelessness as his gaze went to her hand. He mouthed the word, and slowly stood up as the realization hit him.
“Plus.”

The driver was texting. Tess’s hand fluttered to her swollen stomach just as the driver looked up. He attempted to stop, but the car just skid forward faster than before. The sky was such a clear blue that day.

She finished the piece. She carefully lifted her bow from the strings and stood up to accept the raucous applause that now filled the room, filling her to the brim of her years with pride and making her feel alive. She set her violin onto her stool and went center stage to take her bows. Her mind filled with the audience’s appreciation, and a sweet smile split across her round face.

It was the side of the car that hit her the worst.

Deleted user

holy crap

bro

Okay that hits hard, I felt like I was in her shoes. I loved it all the way down to the last sentence. But I just had one little thing. I was slightly put of about the memories and how they stuck in place with themselves. Like, how it started with the violin and shifted to her morning? I think there should’ve been a clearer shift to the first few memories, but I caught on.
Also, car accidents! Where did the driver hit her? From behind? From the side? If so, how was the street constructed to help with this? (i’m super nit-picky about car accidents I apologize).
But otherwise! Wow!

Deleted user

You’re welcome! Glad I could help, and thanks for your input!

Deleted user

Hey, Emi, what is the entree for?

A Herald Mail Halloween Contest.