forum Critique my plan...again? (Different story this time lol)

Started April 13, 2018 by @Paperok

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Plotline for a book I thought up. It will be fleshed out more when actually written out. Thoughts?
Characters
Finees (16)
Nicole (15)
Feofan (18)
Kazuki (17)
Aubert (16)

1. After swimming to shore from the wreckage of the ship the group gathers and assesses the situation.

2. The group spends 3 hours roaming the area in a tight vicinity insisted upon by Feofan.

3. Finees, stalking around searching for service, notices a cave on the side of the hill. Upon exploration he comes upon a large crate surrounded by rather shallow standing water.

4. After a half hour of regrouping the group retraces Finees` footsteps and examine the crate. They explore its contents accidentally dropping some of the sacks into the puddle inadvertently ruining them.

5. Kazuki convinces the group that finding fresh water is their biggest priority. He and Feofan separate from the group in attempt to scale the island and search for fresh water.

6. The remaining kids in the cave explore a little deeper using Finees phones flashlight. Kazuki and Feofan reach the peak of the hill and take note of the fields covering ⅔ of the island.

7. Nicole trips on a jutted rock and gets a gash on her left arm. The three of them carefully return to the crate staying at the edge of the water surrounding it. Kazuki notices a fox at the treeline and infers that there must be some source of water in the area.

8. After several hours of searching, Kazuki and Feofan discover a fresh-water spring. Aubert uses a shred of his shirt in an attempt to prevent Nicole's arm from getting infected or beedling too much. Finees` phone dies.

9. Kazuki and Feofan have no way to bring any water with them to the cave. Finees tries to convince the other two that they could live off of wheat seeds.

10. It takes an hour hike for Kazuki and Feofan to return to the cave. The group in the cave eats some of the wet wheat.

11. Keeping towards the mouth of the cave for light the group discusses their situation. They decide to head to the spring before the sun goes down. The trip to and from the spring takes 3 hours. They arrive at the cave as the sun goes down.

12. In the dark cave the group huddles together for warmth.

13. As soon as the sun starts to rise Feofan insists that they need to make something for them to hunt with. She gathers everyone's phones and smashes them with a rock. Finees helps her try to bend the shattered and dented glass and metal into a blade of sorts.

14. As the day drags on the ¨phone knives¨ turn out to be a lost cause. The group goes out together to inspect the fields Kazuki and Feofan saw the day before.

15. The group discusses the possibility of planting the wheat in the field. Aubert and Finees insist that they should focus on food they can eat on the spot, after angrily setting the disagreement aside the group makes a round trip to the spring before returning to the cave. The trip takes 3 hours. Kazuki gets a stick on the way.

16. After an hour of the group eating some more wheat and collectively complaining about its hunger Kazuki and Finees go out to see if they can kill anything. Frustrated by its discomfort Nicole removes the strip of cloth from her arm and lays down to rest.

17. Finees hits a bird with a rock. Aubert catches a large spider and sets it on Feofan`s head, after freaking out and killing it she forces him out of the cave. Finees and Kazuki lose track of time until they notice the sun going down.

18. Aubert, scared to be out and alone, begs Feofan to let him back into the cave. She continually refuses. Finees and Kazuki climb a tree shivering from the cold of the night.

19. Finees is bitten by something and falls from the tree, the impact knocks him unconscious. Kazuki half carries him in the direction where he believes the cave is. Nicole complains about Aubert`s loud sobs but Feofan refuses to let him back in.

20. Kazuki gives up on finding the hill and rests against a rock. He feels up Finees for blood, unable to find any he come to the conclusion Finees is probably fine. Aubert finally gives up and makes his way down the hill. Feofan considers the possibility of planting the wheat in the field.

21. As the sun rises Kazuki attempts to wake up Finees, at his failure he carries him to the hill after the 2 hour hike he finds Aubert curled up in a ball at the base of the hill he wakes him up and learns of what happened. He realizes they are in need of legitimate rules.

22. Upon the three boys returning to the cave the group discusses while eating more wheat. Everyone (except Finees who remains unconscious) scolds Aubert for his actions.

23. Kazuki assumes responsibility coming up with the first rule; Rule #1: If you are annoying and the group agrees that you are being annoying you will spend the night outside of the cave.

24. Everyone agrees to the rule except for Aubert. Feofan, Nicole and Kazuki take to sacks of wheat from the box and head out leaving Aubert to watch Finees.

25. Feofan comments on the gash on Nicole`s arm warning her of infection, Nicole shrugs her comment off. The three of them try to find a place to plant the seeds unsure of what to look for they pick out a large patch of rather flat land and gather some stones to stake it out. They begin to plant. Aubert cries.

26. The three of them finish planting all the seeds they brought towards the later part of the day. Finees wake up to Aubert throwing seeds angrily and quickly stops him from wasting too anymore. Aubert tells him what's happening from the new rule to the other out planting. Finees examines his left arm, a spider bite swelling at the center of his bicep.

27. The three ¨planters¨ return as the sun is going down. Everyone gets a close look at Finees spider bite. Finees doesn't tell anyone about Auberts temper tantrum.

28. As the night drags on, Finees continually scratches at the spider bite. Everyone huddles together yet again. After a few hours Feofan moves away and sits against close to the mouth of the cave. Kazuki and Nicole are awoken by this.

29. Nicole gets up and moves over to Feofan, the two of them illuminated by the dim moonlight as they quietly look over the island. Kazuki watches.

30. Feofan speaks of her life before the cruise they were on went down. She mentions her boyfriend and her sister and how she wishes they were with her instead of Nicole and the others. Nicole tries to comfort her but is shrugged off. They return to silence.

31. Finees is the first to get up in the morning his bite developed into a rash. Ignoring said rash, he goes about waking the others up, Kazuki immediately notices that Feofan is gone.

32. Kazuki orders the others to remain in the cave out of fear that some kind of animal snatched Feofan from the edge of the cave. He starts down the hill racking his brain on the possibilities of what could have happened. Nicole gets disgusted by Finees` rash. Aubert quietly observes.

33. Kazuki reaches the base of the hill and searches the nearby area. He begins to calm down and with the calm comes the doubt of Feofan being worth the time. Finees steps outside of the cave, while examining the sky he notices Feofan higher up the hill sitting. He shouts to her getting her attention.

34. Feofan returns to the cave and explains that she saw a plane so she tried to catch its attention. Finees and Nicole shrug it off and move on to figuring out who will go get Kazuki, Aubert seems skeptical. Kazuki reaches the western shore of the island and spots a ship in the distance.

35. Finees goes down the hillside looking for Kazuki, Feofan takes the other two to check on the field. Feofan informs the others that wheat takes about four months to grow. Finees heads towards the small forest. Aubert notices something large in Feofan`s pocket.

36. Finees makes his way carefully across the island, as the day drags on his stomach growls. He arrives at the southern shore and sees a small campsite, a fire with some meat being cooked, an oddly colored tent and a large man sleeping beside it, seemingly oblivious. The man had food Finees was hungry. Feofan and the other two gather some fruit on the way back to the cave. Aubert asks Feofan where she really went the previous night.

37. Feofan restates how she saw a plane and wanted to get its attention. Aubert questions her logic in not waking up the others. Nicole steps in insisting Feofan was in a rush. Finees approaches the campsite carefully focusing on the meat. He wondered how long the man had been stranded. He recognizes the man's outfit as that of one of the crewman on the cruise.

38. Finees` mind races assuming, considering, wondering, questioning. He just about speaks to the man until he takes a closer look at the fire, he notices a rib cage at the center of the fire, he covers his mouth and shock and stares at the meat before turning to the man, and his tent that he could now see was made up of clothes sewn together. Feofan Aubert and Nicole arrive at the cave. The sun is high in the sky now.

39. Finees returns to the cave an hour or so later, without a word he sits and places his head in his hands. He isn't hungry anymore. The group collectively worries for Kazuki. Nicole thinks out loud wishing they had not crushed the phones that maybe they could have found some service somewhere. Feofan grunts at her words. Finees considers telling them what he did.

40. Finees tells the other three about what happened, he tells them about the man from the cruise about the fire with the human bones and the tent made of clothes most likely owned by the people the man had killed who were probably other survivors of the wreck. Warm tears stream down his cheeks as he speaks. Aubert and Nicole stare in horror as he pauses. Feofan presses him aware that he is keeping something from them. After a few moments of waiting, he tells them how he ate the meat from the fire and then he breaks down.

41. Nicole Feofan and Aubert eat some fruit. Finees stays against the wall muttering to himself. Aubert suggests they all go out to look for Kazuki. The others shut him down saying Kazuki is already dead.

42. The group sits quietly. Kazuki awakens dangling upside-down from a tree branch by his ankles, his hands tied behind his back.

43. Kazuki struggles against the ropes around his ankles shouting as loud as he can. A man approaches him, aiming a gun at his face, the man is dressed up in military fashion. He demands Kazuki to stay silent.

44. The military man talks to someone through a radio. Kazuki flails quietly. Two other men appear from the brush. Feofan offers that the they kill the cannibal. Nicole loudly disagrees Feofan insists that he killed Kazuki and he will try to kill them as well. Finees buries his face in his hands.

45. Kazuki watches, horrified as another man drags a woman towards the three. She appears unconscious and leaves a trail of blood on the ground. The four men talk amongst themselves explaining that she like Kazuki came from the cruise, and that either of them could be the Raven. One of the men yanks her up onto her feet and violently shakes her demanding what she knows about Russia. Feofan and Nicole are arguing. Aubert tries to reason with both of them fearing the two of them getting violent.

46. The man realizes that the woman has died. He turns on Kazuki leaning down and pressing a gun against his forehead, he demands he tells him where the drive is. Kazuki hesitates well aware that if he says he doesn't know they'll simply kill him. He tells them to let him go and he`ll show them. Feofan mentions the possibility of them eating the cannibal. Nicole slaps her.

47. Feofan wrestles Nicole to the ground pummeling her in the head. Aubert shouts and tries to tear them apart. The man cuts Kazuki down but leaves his hands tied. He starts to lead them east. Finees gets involved helping Aubert pry Feofan away from a tearful Nicole.

48. Kazuki turns now leading the men south. They grow skeptical of his credibility. Feofan screams at the others about how badly she wants to be home with her family and that she would kill each and every one of them in order to survive. Nicole curls into a ball crying, Aubert tries to comfort her. Finees sits back down taking it all in, he is the first to notice the cannibal at the mouth of the cave.

49. Finees panics and hurls a stone at the cannibal it catches him in the shoulder. The others take notice and scramble deeper into the cave. The cannibal yells maniacally and rushes after them. The men following Kazuki hear a loud female scream from the hill and stop, Kazuki stiffens as they turn towards the hill. He runs.

50. Kazuki runs hard towards the hill. The men charge after him aiming their guns with steady arms. The cannibal holds Feofan tightly to the ground. She yells and squirms under his weight. Nicole and Finees hesitate watching as the cannibal raises a large knife over his head. Aubert picks up the stick Kazuki brought earlier (refer to #15) and smashes it against the cannibals head.

51. Feofan takes the opportunity Aubert gave her and gets free of the cannibals grasp she insists they get out of the cave. Aubert continues striking at the cannibal before following the others out of the cave. Kazuki glances back breathless as he runs, unable to see the men he assumes he lost them.

52. The cannibal chases the kids down the hill shouting and waving his knife. Feofan considers her options. Kazuki stops panting for breath then gets tackled by one of the men.

53. The man beats Kazuki violently. The cannibal catches Nicole. Feofan panics while the cannibal threatens to slice her throat. Finees begs him to take him instead.

54. The man shoves his gun against Kazukis chin demanding he takes him to where the drive is or he will die. The cannibal digs his knife into the gash on Nicoles arm she screams. Feofan warns him.

55. The loud, rippling sound of a gunshot slices into the sky over the island.

56. The cannibal loses his grip on Nicole and falls over. Feofan lowers the glock she shot him with. Aubert and Finees step away from Feofan terrified. Nicole is unconscious.

57. The cannibal tumbles down the hill. The man threatening Kazuki looks up towards the hill wondering if the other men found someone else. He takes a few moments considering his options, kazuki tenses up worrying about the others. The man lets him up.

58. The man shoots Kazuki twice and heads off towards the hill. Feofan tries to convince the other three that she isn't going to kill them, Aubert questions where she got the gun, she responds simply stating that its hers.

59. The four of them hear the two gunshots. Feofan orders the others to get back into the cave and go as deep as possible. Finees and Aubert work together to carry Nicole up the hill Feofan rushes ahead to the peak of the hill it takes her 5 minutes to reach the peak.

60. Feofan spots the ship on the western coast. Finees and Aubert make their way deeper into the dark cave. After 10 minutes they stop and set Nicole down. Feofan makes her way back down the hill. She notices three men at the mouth of the cave.

61. Feofan takes cover behind some brush as a fourth man arrives. She recognizes him from the cruise. Bryce Millett. One of the American agents that was after the Raven. She watches as they discuss a woman and a boy Bryce comments that the boy didn't know anything so he killed him.

62. Feofan aims her glock silently, listening as the men decide to split up, two into the cave and the other two to scout the island. She fires twice, two men drop. Bryce and the third man duck into the cave. Finees and Aubert hear footsteps towards the entrance of the cave.

63. Bryce waits, back pressed against the wall, silent watching the entrance of the cave. He glances down at his fallen men, both shot in the throat. He infers that he is dealing with a trained shooter. Feofan speaks up, standing next to the entrance just out of sight, she tells them she knows who the Raven is. Bryce offers a momentary truce and tosses his gun out onto the ground, the other man does the same. Feofan steps out before them.

64. Feofan aims her glock at Bryce as she picks up their guns. He asks if she intends to tell him who the Raven is, she responds telling him it's too late they already killed him. Bryce`s eyes widen with realization.

65. Finees approaches the entrance of the cave, listening to the conversation. Bryce insists that the boy he killed could possibly still be alive and he could save him if they got to him in time. Feofan tells him to lead her there. Bryce starts running, the other man follows. Feofan hesitates before running off after them.

66. Bryce and the man lead Feofan into the woods. Finees returns to Aubert and helps him pick up Nicole. The group finds Kazuki limp on the ground in a pool of blood. Feofan demands they try to save him. Bryce leans down tearing out a medical kit from his backpack. The other man mutters that it's probably too late.

67. Finees peeks out of the cave and then searches the two corpses. At the same time Aubert hurries down to the cannibals corpse and takes his knife. Nicole wakes up groaning with pain. Finees catches her up on what happened. The three retreat deeper into the cave. An hour passes.

68. Kazuki awakens to gunfire, great pain in his abdomen and a dead man laying on top of him. He recognizes another man standing over him as the man who shot him, the man is aiming his gun searching for a target. He notices that Kazuki is awake. He leans down slowly.

69. The man moves in closer to Kazuki and whispers telling him that his name is Bryce Millett and he needs to know where the drive is. Kazuki tries to respond but fails. Instead several cracks shake the earth, the man looks up his face twisting in pain as his body convulses backwards and collapses into the dirt.

70. Feofan approaches Kazuki lowering her glock having shot Bryce three times. She pushes the first man off him tries to lift him up, Kazuki grunting with pain, she keeps trying to drag him. Bryce watches the sky shakily holding a radio to his mouth, he grunts out out his last words, 33°03′10″S 17°55′31″E, the Raven is here.

71. Feofan drags Kazuki slowly towards the hill.

Looks pretty solid to me

Thanks. Could you possibly have something critical to add?