forum Can someone read my prologue?

Started April 12, 2018 by Olivia

tune

(This prologue is suppose to kind of confuse the audience. Later in the book her background - this chapter - is revealed. She then further explains what happens e.g. how she got here, why her captor killed her parents etc.)

I never thought I would ever be in a situation like this; I guess no one ever does. My arms are shackled to the wall behind me while my legs are bound together with coarse rope. The blood pooling around my legs has already completely soaked my blue denim jeans. The worst thing is that the crimson liquid staining my skin does not even belong to me. When I get out of here, if I ever get out of here, these jeans will be the first things to go. The sound of a jarred door refusing to open shakes me from my thoughts. A tall figure stands in the doorway, a brittle smile etched into their face.
Walking toward me they snarl, “I know you’re awake”.
Refusing to look up, I keep my eyes steadily on my tied legs; evidently not satisfied with my choice my captor slams a right hook into my jaw.
“Go to Hell” I spit, blood already filling my mouth.
Tsking they grab my face, “Didn’t Daddy teach you any better? He would be so mad … too bad he’s dead”
Instinctively my eyes travel over to the corpse of my father. His eyes are wide open with his arms stretched out towards my mother’s lifeless body. Returning my attention back to the person in front of me I see that their other hand is no longer empty, in their clenched hand I see the gleaming blade of a kitchen knife. Their hand moves upwards to now cover my mouth.
Growling, they inch the blade closer towards me, “You better stay quiet, bitch.”
The sharp tip of the blade easily cuts through my cashmere sweater making direct contact with the flesh of my stomach.
One cut … two cuts … three cuts…four cuts.
By now my blood is trailing down my stomach, seeping through my once white sweater. The clattering of the knife onto the ground affirmed me that my torture was now finished.
“I hate you” I pant, exhausted from earlier torturing.
With a final kick to my stomach they begin to leave the room. Just before leaving they turn around back around to face me before saying, “Lucky for you the feeling’s mutual.”

I thought this was really great and captivating. I was confused on how many people were in the room. You said a tall figure walked in and then address him as they.

This prologue drew me in and held me there, I want to read more! Very well written!!!

Would definitely want to read more! Remember to clarify how many people you are talking about once in a while (essentially what GG said) and too many details can be confusing at times. Love your prologue!

I never thought I would ever be in a situation like this;

The 'ever' after the never takes away some of the impact. The shorter a sentence is, the stronger punch it has.

The blood pooling around my legs has already completely soaked my blue denim jeans.

1. This could also use some cleaning up. You can get the same point across with 'bluejeans', or, hell, even just 'jeans', instead of 'blue denim jeans'. Most people assume jeans are both denim and blue unless specifically stated otherwise.

2. There's blood, either the character's or someone else's, so there's someone actively bleeding, and the feeling that's coming across is 'Oh, no, my clothes!' Maybe that fits with the character, maybe not, but that's what's being conveyed.

The worst thing is that the crimson liquid staining my skin does not even belong to me.

I'm just going to say at this point that the whole thing would benefit immensely from being tightened up. Someone bled profusely. Did they die? Did the main character see the maiming\killing? They don't sound traumatized. If this were third person, I'd ask if it was omniscient POV, which has to sound neutral, but it's first person and they sound vaguely like a robot.
Possible way to reword the next part for more emotion:

I can't stand the thought of them. If I get out of here– when I get out of here, I'm getting out of here – these jeans will be the first things to go. I'll burn them. In a huge bonfire when I get– I have to get out.

I read through the rest of it and the only thing that pops out is the complete lack of emotion. Mother dead, father dead, this person has tortured Character, and they aren't even afraid of the knife. They aren't choking on tears, their cheeks aren't sore and their throat isn't clogged or torn from hours of crying already. It's a laundry list.
'They did this, and then this, and this, too. I did this. They said that. I replied.' The cuts aren't burning lines of fire, Character isn't shaking in reaction from this new pain or what they've already gone through.
They aren't seething with hate and pain and hurt from the fact this person has killed their parents. There's no feeling in the 'I hate you'. I use the same not-tone of voice when I say I hate mice.

Prologues (which this isn't, really, prologues start before the story or tell you something extra that can't be gotten across in the main narrative. This is more like a flash-forward.) are supposed to make you want to read to find out more, but I already know, by the lack of emotion, that things are going to end with Character getting away, and, I can only presume, being extremely badass in the process.

Also, and this part is entirely me, the focus on the sweater being cashmere seems kind of weird. It suffers from First-Person Protagonist Looking In A Mirror Syndrom. If there was focus on the emotional value of the sweater– if it was something Character's mother gave them, anything, it would be better and make more sense with the minutia.

Also, I would suggest against using this particular scene as the prologue –that or obscuring who, exactly, has died– because your audience now knows not to get emotionally attached to your character's parents because they'll just die later anyway, and that lessens the effects of the deaths themselves.

Also, I would suggest against using this particular scene as the prologue –that or obscuring who, exactly, has died– because your audience now knows not to get emotionally attached to your character's parents because they'll just die later anyway, and that lessens the effects of the deaths themselves.

hey, this prologue takes place before the rest of the book. The book is written about 2 years after this event and her parents are already deceased. This 'chapter' is an insight to the characters background :) Thanks so much for your feedback!

Hey, i think this is pretty good!
I would say maybe some more emotion (her parents are dead, she's devastated and mad and upset and her emotions should be completely messed up. she should be practically hysterical)
Also, I was confused about the torture thing because it kinda seems like its happening for no reason. This might be revealed later in the story and you might have done it purposefuly in which case its probably ok, but they bad person doesn't say anything like "now will you cooperate" so its kinda weird.
Other than that its really captivating!
But definitely work on the emotion i think.

hey, this prologue takes place before the rest of the book. The book is written about 2 years after this event and her parents are already deceased. This 'chapter' is an insight to the characters background :) Thanks so much for your feedback!

That information alone makes the whole SO MUCH BETTER! It gives it context and framing, though in that case I suggest making the emotions even more prevalent because the next time we're going to be seeing them is after two years of distance and coping (or not-coping, depending on the character). Are they still raw and torn up when they think about their parents? Is it a wound bleeding grief, or have they hidden away from the sadness inside anger and the need for revenge?