forum Can Someone Give Me Tips For My Writing Please?

Started May 04, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

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Hey! If anyone wants, I can post part of first chapter of this story I'm writing. Of course, if no one comments, I won't post anything :P

I can critique it if you want!

Yay! One sec, I'll get the thing on soon

It's more of a prologue to the story. Here it is!:

I hung up my call and turned around, only to see a girl looking at me. I froze and hoped she hadn’t overheard my conversation. I had been talking to my last client, telling them I had done it.

“So, you kill people for money?” she asked.

“Listen, it isn’t what you think,” I hastily said, “I-“

“Will you kill Tom Sontly, miss?” she looked up at me with sad eyes, “I have three dollars and forty-seven cents. Is that enough?”

“Who is he and why do you want me to kill him?” I crouched down to eye-level with her.

“He’s my father and he,” she hesitated, “he hurts me and plays games with me and I don’t like it. So, will you please help?” she handed me her small My Little Pony purse with her pocket change in it.

“Of course I’ll help,” I handed her the purse with her money in it back and handed her my private phone number, “I’ll call you when I finish the job, can you call me in about fifteen minutes with the phone you want me to call when I’m done?”

She nodded, “Thank you miss!” she ran away.

“Now, to find this ‘Tom Sontly’ and kill him.”

Isn't this a pinterest thing?

Yeah, that's where the idea came from

I had writer's block so I looked for story prompts on pinterest for ideas

That is honestly one of my favorite prompts, and I think you did a marvelous job of writing it

Thanks :3

I love the little details, like her purse and the fact that the protagonist immediately agrees with no hesitation whatsoever. The only thing is that I would add a little more context as to the girl's description and the protagonist's character, but other than that it's really good! I love this prompt, it's also one of my favorites, and I'm excited to see your interpretation of it!

Thanks for the feedback! It's really helpful! :D

Hey! I liked your excerpt! Little grammar notes:
You need a period in this sentence:
“Listen, it isn’t what you think,” I hastily said, “I-“

it becomes:
“Listen, it isn’t what you think,” I hastily said. “I-“

you do leave that period off a lot, replacing it with a comma. Because the dialog with the dialog tag is a complete thought, you need to close it off with a period before continuing on to the next sentence, even if the next sentence is dialog.

also, i'd put a hyphens in here:
“He’s my father and he,” she hesitated, “he hurts me and…"

it becomes:
“He’s my father and he-” She hesitated. “-he hurts me and…"
because it's dialog being interrupted by a complete sentence.

I hoped this helped on the grammar side of things!

Oh, ok! Thanks! :D