forum Can someone critique this please?
Started by @Questionable_Who
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Questionable_Who

I started this story about a week ago, and I have another section about the same size as this one, but I feel like there's something missing or wrong with it? I can't tell, so please read and help me!! Also, any grammar issues, please point them out. Most of the time my inspiration comes at random in the middle of the night, so.

People assume that everything in the past is set in stone. It happened, there's no changing history. But, as always, people can be wrong. The past can be changed at any given second, not that you would notice. Most of the time, it's the little things that people want to change. Maybe they realized that they didn't want to be a scientist, so they go back and get rid of whatever made them take that career path. Maybe they just wanted to go back and pass that one test in school.

No matter how small the change, it could affect history greatly. That doctor who changed his career? He would've discovered the cure for breast cancer. That test the student ended up passing? She got into a better school, but her lecture was interrupted by a shooter, and she died. She would've given birth to the President who would get America out of debt. Everything could set off a butterfly effect. These decisions matter.


Charlotte woke to the sound of her alarm playing All of Me by John Legend. She turned it off before any other songs could play. She'd rather listen to Havana all day than to hear the same 10 popular songs on repeat, and that was saying something.

Sighing, she looked at the time displayed next to her. 8:01. She started training today, not something she was looking forward to. She heard her mom call her from the kitchen.

"Charlie! I know you're up! Come and eat!" Charlotte got up, not willingly, knowing her mom would come and drag her down if she didn't go. She walked out of the room only to walk right back in so as not to be run over by her younger brother running down the hallway.

"Slow down, Johnathan!" Charlotte called. The boy just turned around and stuck his tongue at her, not slowing down. She walked into the kitchen to see her mom putting pancakes onto a plate for her. "One day, John, you're gonna fall running down the hall, and I'm just gonna walk past you."

"Be nice," her mom scolded. "Are you ready for today?"

Charlotte looked at her as if she had two heads. "No. Why do I have to be an Agent? What if I wanted to do something else?"

"Because, the Agency needs people they can trust won't abuse the power. They know you, and they know every other kid, no, young adult, who is training."

Charlotte rolled her eyes.

"Stop that, you are 15. It's time you act it." Her mom finished the last batch of pancakes and sat down at the table with her children. "Finish your breakfast and get your bags in the car."


The drive to the Agency wasn't long, in fact, Charlotte thought it was too short. They lived close so her mom could get there quick if she was needed. The ride was still short even after they dropped John at the elementary.

When they got there, they were met with the Director. "Hello, Charlotte, Mia. The other two trainees are already here. I'll let you get settled and we'll start later in the afternoon."

"Thank you, Al. Charlotte, I've got to get to work. I'll see you later." Charlotte barely hummed in recognition before her mom disappeared into the building.

Al showed her the dorm, then left to let her get settled in and to know the two strangers she would be forced to live with for the next nine months. The door closed behind her and she set her bag down, taking the place in. The front room wasn't much, just a burgundy settee with a matching chair, and a glass coffee table. The walls were white, and at the opposite wall was three rooms, which she assumed were the rooms. Teams at the Agency were always made up of three persons. That's when she noticed that she wasn't alone.

The girl in the chair stood up and walked over to her. "Hi, I'm Kristain, but most people just call me Kris. Over there is Aaron." The boy gave her a two fingered salute.

"I'm Charlotte." She shifted awkwardly. "Do you happen to know which room is mine? I think I'll just take a nap, had to get up early and all." She knew she was lying but she really didn't care. Her mom was one of the only people who lived close, the rest being able to do a majority of their work from home, and she really didn't feel like having them know she was the Assistant Director's daughter at the moment.

"It's the one on the left. And I understand, my mom wanted me here early." Kris said, going back to her chair. "We can talk later, yeah? We have lunch at 1."

"Thanks," Charlotte said. She picked up her bag and headed to her room, stopping to wave back at the duo in the room so she didn't seem rude. Once inside her room, she noticed that the furniture was definitely not from 2013, not that she expected any different. It looked like it was only from a couple years in her future, so nothing too different. The colors were simple, grey and white. She vaguely wondered if the other rooms looked the same.

Reaching into her pack, she grabbed her iPod and turned on Dear Evan Hansen. Her mother once brought her several DVDs of Broadway shows, including Hamilton and Heathers. Of course, most people didn't know about the shows. She looked at the time displayed on the screen. She had about 3 hours before she had to come out of her room.


Two and a half hours later Charlotte decided it would be best to start making herself presentable. She pulled her brown hair into a ponytail, leaving her long bangs where they were at, not feeling like doing anything with the defiant curls. She looked into the mirror one last time before walking back into the front room. She figured she could be social for once.

"Hello," Charlotte said, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Aaron, who was reading a book. Kris looked up from whatever she was drawing and smiled.

"Welcome to the land of the living," She joked. Charlotte smiled in return. Aaron seemed to notice her presence and looked up from his book.

"Hello," was all he said before going back to reading. Kris rolled her eyes.

"He's been like that all day, it's not just you." She told Charlotte. "So, where you from?"

Charlotte didn't want anyone knowing why she lived so close. The only houses for miles out were for people who were higher up in rank. She didn't want them to think the Director was playing favorites choosing her. She wished she hadn't been chosen.

"I live here in the state." That wasn't a lie. She's off to a good start, she figured. "What about you?" She could be nice, at times. When she had to.

"Oh, live in New York. My mom only comes down here about once or twice a year, at most." Kris responded.

"Yeah, my mom doesn't come down here often." Okay now that was most definitely a lie. She leaned forward, a very important question suddenly coming into mind. "Have you ever had tea?"

"Of course I've had tea," She laughed. "My mom was right, southerners are serious about their tea."

She wasn't wrong. The Agency was centered in North Carolina, about fifty miles from where North Carolina, Tennessee, and Georgia meet, and although she mostly hung around the more regular people at the Agency, they were still very southern. She suddenly found herself wishing she'd gone to a normal school instead of being homeschooled, her mom's reasoning being "I'm to busy to drive you all that way." She had a feeling that wasn't the whole story.

Kris' voice brought her back to Earth. "'Course, I prefer mine unsweet, sugar makes it taste weird. But maybe it's just-"

"I'm sorry, but unsweet tea is illegal here. Besides, it only tastes weird because you don't brew it sweet." Charlotte cut her off before she could go further. She didn't believe people could actually drink unsweet tea. Kris looked over to Aaron.

"Where are you from, then?" She asked him. He looked up to find both girls staring at him.

"Georgia." He said. "Why?"

"Kris doesn't like sweet tea." Charlotte said plainly. She reached into her pocket to retrieve her iPod so she didn't have to talk to anyone anymore. To be safe she chose songs from that year. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Aaron put his book down and stare at Kris. She loved the South; no matter which southern state you're from, you have to like sweet tea.

Deleted user

It's great, and I barely saw any grammatical mistakes. I will point out this small one though.
"I'm to busy to drive you all that way."
The first "to" should be spelled "too" but it's small. I'm not good at giving help on word flow, so I don't know how to help ya' there.
I'm from the south, and surprisingly, I hate tea. Doesn't matter if it's sweet or unsweet, it's disgusting to me.

@Questionable_Who

It's great, and I barely saw any grammatical mistakes. I will point out this small one though.
"I'm to busy to drive you all that way."
The first "to" should be spelled "too" but it's small. I'm not good at giving help on word flow, so I don't know how to help ya' there.
I'm from the south, and surprisingly, I hate tea. Doesn't matter if it's sweet or unsweet, it's disgusting to me.

Thanks for the feedback! Now that you've pointed that out, I don't know how I didn't see it. As for the tea… true. Mine has to be made a specific way with a specific brand or it's disgusting.

Deleted user

I'm a grammar nazi, if you think you have some spelling mistakes, ring me up.

Zoe

Hey! I love this it's beautiful!

If you want me to ill elaborate more on anything

A couple things:
1.) Coming from someone from a family with a lot of kids, the family described was too perfect. Most mother figures cannot make food for the children while maintaining a job as busy as described. Brothers and sisters are usually mortal enemies. This was the steryotypical family. Although that is not impossible, it is unlikely and usually something readers will not want to see
2.) our family, although i hate saying this, is in the top percent in terms of finances. I do not know what the director's work is, but if it is as busy as described it would be incredibly stressfull for the parents. My parents work most of the time when I see them and we have to make most, if not all, of our meals ourselves. I don't know if there is a father figure in this, but if not then the stress doubles.
3.) Charlotte did not get ready in the morning. Not a big deal, just something I saw. She just rolled out of bed then left. Most 15 year old girls (especially in the top percent) ususally care a great deal about their appearence.
4.) idk the policies but if you intend to publish be carefull with song titles and brands

Awesome things:
1.)I'm writing a book and I noticed how you said "Hi, I'm Kristain, but most people just call me Kris. Over there is Aaron." and in my draft it literally says: "Hi, I'm Abigail, but most people just call me Abby. The sad boy over there is Nathan." and i thought that was really really cool
2.) this is like J.K. Rowling good in terms of writing. No word seemed overused or stressed. Nothing was repetative and it flowed like silk. I'm usually insane when it comes to things like that and I really really really liked this.
3.) the word choice is excelent. like omg yes. and the backstories? I need to know. Honestly this read like a published book.

I really, really, really liked this piece. Tell me when you publish it so i can buy it! (10/10 would tbh) sorry my grammar and stuff is bad (like it progressivly gets worse grammarly is yelling at me) its inhumanly late and im v tired.
byeeee

@Questionable_Who

Hey! I love this it's beautiful!

If you want me to ill elaborate more on anything

A couple things:
1.) Coming from someone from a family with a lot of kids, the family described was too perfect. Most mother figures cannot make food for the children while maintaining a job as busy as described. Brothers and sisters are usually mortal enemies. This was the steryotypical family. Although that is not impossible, it is unlikely and usually something readers will not want to see
2.) our family, although i hate saying this, is in the top percent in terms of finances. I do not know what the director's work is, but if it is as busy as described it would be incredibly stressfull for the parents. My parents work most of the time when I see them and we have to make most, if not all, of our meals ourselves. I don't know if there is a father figure in this, but if not then the stress doubles.
3.) Charlotte did not get ready in the morning. Not a big deal, just something I saw. She just rolled out of bed then left. Most 15 year old girls (especially in the top percent) ususally care a great deal about their appearence.
4.) idk the policies but if you intend to publish be carefull with song titles and brands

Awesome things:
1.)I'm writing a book and I noticed how you said "Hi, I'm Kristain, but most people just call me Kris. Over there is Aaron." and in my draft it literally says: "Hi, I'm Abigail, but most people just call me Abby. The sad boy over there is Nathan." and i thought that was really really cool
2.) this is like J.K. Rowling good in terms of writing. No word seemed overused or stressed. Nothing was repetative and it flowed like silk. I'm usually insane when it comes to things like that and I really really really liked this.
3.) the word choice is excelent. like omg yes. and the backstories? I need to know. Honestly this read like a published book.

I really, really, really liked this piece. Tell me when you publish it so i can buy it! (10/10 would tbh) sorry my grammar and stuff is bad (like it progressivly gets worse grammarly is yelling at me) its inhumanly late and im v tired.
byeeee

Thank you! I actually did notice those couple of mistakes in the morning scene, and I'm in the process of fixing them. I'm also very picky when it comes to word flow, which is why it takes me days upon days just to write a few thousand words, no matter how planned out my book is.

Zoe

Yea, you did a really good job though, it's amazing! Yea word flow is one of the things I'm most picky about too.