forum Anyone here want to help a fellow writer out?
Started by @SherrBear
tune

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@SherrBear

I need someone to help me review. It's a series concept and I need help with deciding whether the episodes are strong/interesting enough.

@SherrBear

where should I share my progress? I have an outline of the first act of the first episode that I could share.

@SherrBear

Okay! Sorry if it's a bit too long.

Episode 01 Season 01: “The Eye Of Providence”

                                                                    TEASER:

The opening- We open on a girl furiously trying to get an old 2000’s home phone to answer a call. She presses all sorts of buttons until one finally stops the ringing. The girl sighs in relief, before being backstabbed by yet another sound; this time, sounding more like a ticking bomb than a phone ring. At the same time, a knock is heard at the door only a few feet away from her. She tries,managing both situations; checking over the message in the phone mini screen, and heading towards the door, reassuring the person on the other side that the beeping noise is coming from the kitchen. She reaches the door and unlocks all five locks before turning the doorknob to open it. The beeping stops as she opens the door, we catch a glimpse of red a blue lights in the background before we return to her: she asks the caller to give her a minute before turning to face the figure in front of her. Her face goes from confused to horrified. We stop time.

END TEASER

ACT 1:

The everyday life- Two adults; KELLY GRACE and DAVID GRACE, are sitting awkwardly across from each other in the living room. They look like a couple just waiting for divorce. Unlike Kelly, David lacks the ability to stay still, and takes the laptop near him into his lap for support. He opens the laptop to find out that a hefty $78 have been spent on two expensive lipsticks. He accuses Kelly, but she denies buying anything and suggests he checks the online receipt. Sure enough, it isn't Kelly's name on the receipt. Buyer’s name: KELLEN GRACE. He apologizes to Kelly, who only rolls her eyes back in response. David turns his head towards a set of stairs, and shouts out Kellen's name. Kelly reminds David that Kellen isn't home since she went out to school. David awkwardly returns to the laptop, where he closes the internet tabs. A strange image is in the cover.

-CUE CREDITS-

We're inside a middle school lunchroom. Teenagers roam around like flies; either getting food on their trays or sitting with their friend groups. We reach thirteen-year-old KELLEN GRACE, the confused girl from the teaser. She’s wearing the same clothes. Rather than confused, however, she’s doing fine and dandy, talking to her friend group with a cheesy smile. Their conversation is interrupted by the sight of the stereotypically hot ETHAN JAMES, who is coming near their direction. Kellen’s friends, ZANA EKA, and JANAE CHANTELL place bets on whether he is heading towards their table or the one where his friends reside. Kellen asks them to stop dreaming and reminds them that Ethan is way out of their league. She is proven half wrong when Ethan taps her shoulder and compliments her lip color, an action so out of character that the nearby tables are in awe. Ethan doesn’t take too long before heading towards his own table, where the primarily male population stare in confusion at Ethan. Before she can hear their judgements, Kellen turns back to her own friends, who are 100% ready to gossip. There’s not much time however, as the school bell rings, releasing the left half of the lunchroom. Kellen and her friends empty their trays, promising to see each other in their next class together. Before she leaves, she takes one look at Ethan, who immediately glares back, causing Kellan to immediately turn around and hurry her friends out of the lunchroom. They separate and go their own ways, immediately turning their cheesy smiles to sighs of relief.

AGNER WEISS, a scrawny patrol officer, is making himself some coffee. He drags. He takes out a crumbled list stating the recommended amount of sugar and so forth. At the top of the list, are four names, none of which are his. He crosses out the last name and gets a cupholder. He delivers the coffee to OFFICER MCDONALD, who is in his office. Agner complains about the unrelated tasks his job entails, such as the coffee job. He states how even interns get better treatment than him. Officer Mcdonald waits until his rant is over to ask him if he’s done being whining. He reminds Agner that he didn’t deserve the job in the first place. It’s a family thing. Before Agner can leave the room lectured, Officer Mcdonald gives him “good news”. He hands him a bookload of file reports. Real work, no coffee preparing. Agner realizes his misfortune and exits the room before Officer Mcdonald can give him any more “real work”. He sits himself down and drops the file reports in his desk; a tiny cubicle. And yes, even the intern has better. Time to work.

It's back to Kellen Grace, who is having a 3am and still awake type of time in her math classroom. Her eyes are fixed on the empty table right in front of her. Instead of MR.VAZQUEZ’S lecture. She secretly takes out her phone, presumably to text the empty desk’s correspondent. She waits for a response, all while trying to ignore the overflow of paper balls flying toward her direction. They aren’t directed at her though, it’s the trash bin. Kellen turns around to face MATTHEW WEISS, who is responsible for the paper balls. She signals for him to stop, but he doesn't pay her any attention. The tip of one off his airplanes hits Kellen in the cheek, the force causes her cheek to bleed, getting the attention of Mr.Vazquez. Matthew is able to hide evidence that he did it, and accuses Kellen of using her phone during class. He did her dirty. Mr.Vazquez retrieves Kellen's phone and thanks Matt, who glares back at Kellen mouthing her a sorry. The lesson continues and all Kellen has to remedy herself is a small Kleenex.

Thirty seven minutes later, the class is over. As everyone tramples over each other to leave class first, Kellen along with a few students, including Matthew, stay. Kellen approaches the teacher, respectfully asking for her phone back. He respectfully asks her to come back with a parent’s signature. Kellen annoyed, exits the room with fury. Matthew notices: he’s impressed.

We’re back in the house. But it’s not David and Kelly we’re focusing on. Instead, we are upstairs, in the pink paradise that is CARAMEL GRACE’S room. We hear David call for Kellen again as Caramel changes into an apron, replacing her pink pajamas with waitress like attire. Her cell phone rings wildly; there are at least ten notifications coming per second. Annoyed, Caramel silences her phone and throws it to her bed, where it lands under her pillow. As she is putting on her cap, a bright red notebook lying right between her closet catches her attention. She throws it in the nearby trash bin, right as David calls for her downstairs. She quickly obeys, forgetting all about her phone.

Kellen Grace is in the locker room. She along with a few other girls, including Zana, are getting ready for a game. Uniforms on. Kellen enters the bathroom, which is only a few feet away to check herself in the mirror. She styles her hair for a second, before being interrupted by a loud whistle coming from COACH NAGAYAMA. Kellen reunites with Zana, and they both exit the locker room together. Cheesy smiles activated. Zana asks Kellen if Caramel is “available” any time soon, to which Kellen “trades” back a question about STACY GERBER, the girl missing from the front seat. Zana admits she doesn't know where Stacy is, and before Kellen can answer her part of the trade, Zana’s own friends approach her, completely ignoring Kellen. It's time to step out into the field.

Agner is at his breaking point. Twenty-seven pages of ass in seat. Just as he is about to get into the twenty eight page, he is interrupted by Office McDonald, who walks in to his place in a hurry. He asks Agner if he wants “real work”. Anger is tired of that. He tells Officer McDonald that he already has real work to do. Before he can get back to filing, Officer McDonald removes the papers from his desk, causing a big line of ink to ruin the front paper. He explains how there was a caller earlier who reported some “very disturbing imagery”. He tells Abner that he'll have to do the hardest job of all. Abner knows what he means by that.

Kellen heads out into the field, alone. Zana and her friends are long ahead of her. Supportive parents and bored teenagers fill the stadium. The opposing team round up. Five minutes to the game. Coach Nagayama calls the girls over for a quick motivational speech. Girls trample over Kellen, leaving her a very little unconventional space. As soon as the speech is over, the game begins. Though the opposing team gets the lead start, the game ends with a 13-16, leaving Kellen’s team the winner. After compliments and a wholesome of snacks, Kellen decides to call it a day. The game left her with a hit to the knee after all. As she is leaving, she is stopped by Zana who invites her to an after party later on the night. Kellen kindly declines, signaling her knee. Zana thanks Kellen for her time, and leaves her alone, heading back to her friends in a nearby car. Kellen continues on the road, Though her knee is scraped, she walks home.

Kellen returns home. She drops her bags in the entrance and heads to the fridge to get some snacks. The setting is the same one; the exact same one as the one in the teaser. Nobody is home, and it’s dark. As Kellen rips the wrapper of her candy apart, a familiar ring interrupts her thought progress. She approaches it cautiously. It’s near the entrance. It takes her a while to realize that it is coming from the cabinet above her, but she gets it right in time. An old 2000’s home phone, unfamiliar to Kellen’s net era eyes. The scene from the teaser plays out exactly the same. She struggles to answer, both the door and the phone. As she unlocks the last lock, Kellen asks the caller to give her a second. She opens the doorknob to find Abner Weiss, locking rather regretful and serious. He asks Kellen if she’s a part of the Grace family, to which Kellen responds with another question; she asks him if he's Matthew's brother. Abner admits he's Matthew's sibling, but immediately switches back to the subject. Kellen admits she's a Grace, and Abner carries on to tell her the news he's been tasked with delivering: Kellen’s mother has been found dead. Kellen takes a moment to let it all in, before she asks Abner if he's sure the news is 100% validated. It is. Kellen tries to close the door on him, but he stops her right in time to ask her if she needs company. She lies: Dad's coming home soon. Abner offers his condolences once more and allows Kellen to shut the door tight. She apologizes to the caller for everything that went on. The caller admits he's got more bad news and apologizes for the timing: Caramel Grace has been found dead. Kellen doesn't allow for the caller to carry on, and hangs up the phone. She drops it in the kitchen countertop and painfully marches upstairs.

As she is about to go into her room, something shining out of Caramel’s bedroom catches her attention. She turns on the lights and blinds herself with the pink overflow. She hurriedly approaches the location of the “shine” to find a phone under Caramel’s pillowcase. A complex ten word password and a friendship collage accompany it. Against her own judgement,Kellen snuggles the phone in her back pocket. With no time to squander, she hurriedly rampages out of the bedroom. Not too far though, a piece of paper catches her attention. It's under Caramel’s bed. She carefully reaches out for it, making sure to be gentle. The Handwriting is messy and rushed, but it's all there and clear to understand. A suicide note. Not a single mention of Kellen, other than a quick family goodbye. Kelly is mentioned repeatedly. Looking closely at the note, Kellen notices something’s off. The handwriting isn't Caramel’s. She tries to find written evidence to make sure her discovery isn't just wishful thinking. Luckily for her, the trash can has the answer. She hesitantly reaches deep into it to take grasp of a familiar red notebook. A myriad of poems and essays, some even written in Arabic. So many doodles. Comparing her English writing to the note, there are more than clear differences. A ripped section of the notebook fits the note perfectly. She takes grasp of everything, all of it is a lie. Arson is most definitely involved. There is no such thing as a coincidence this big. She drops the note in the floor.

Kellen realizes that her dad isn't home. Could he have been a victim as well? What about Kellen? Is she in grave danger? She storms off Caramel’s room and makes it into her own. She forgets to turn off the lights. She slams her door shut and locks it. She marches into her bed and drops herself in it, finally letting the tear fest out. What did she do to deserve all this?

                                                                      END OF ACT 1