Yeah I didn’t wanna clog main chats with my shit. Ummm
TW for lots of swearing and just me being really angry and childish and sad. Feel free to comment if u want ig, I’ll take this down if I need to also but I do. Desperately need a space
Leaving this first post empty if you need to leave but I will post my first vent shortly bcs WOW am I going thru it
Remember when I moved to ao3, and I was so excited to get my work out there? Yeah, starting to regret that now.
My fandom happens to be a fucking war zone by now. Because of course that happens to me. At least here, people didn’t have to know what I was writing about to give me encouragement. Now I get even fewer comments than I did on my old notebook thread. To quote what I said on Spacehey—
Literally none of them pay attention to the content I actually put my time and passion into. They’re all here for my silly goofs, which is fine I suppose, but still extremely demotivating.
And they’re all so gross and weird, so nobody wants to touch my little passion project with a 50 foot pole because eewww it’s on the gross website. Grow up or something
I know people like me. I know they like my content. But none of that fucking matters because all I have to post my work that is ACTUALLY IMPORTANT TO ME is the “hellsite.”
I hate JashAO3 with every single fiber of my being because it’s ruined my social media presence. Jash13 and Dem have FUCKING RUINED IT FOR ME. I put my whole heart and soul into my work for NOTHING and I’m really fucking tired.
Sometimes I consider dropping fd entirely because it just feels so pointless. Nobody would miss it
Gods I hate people.
Basically, shitty people invaded the one fandom space I have to post my work, and now nobody is here to care about what I make. And with my people pleasing brain and my need for instant gratification, it’s a fucking nightmare.
And I feel like shit because I’ve been yelling about this everywhere but I feel like my only true supporters are here. And I abandoned you all, so I don’t know if I even have that anymore.
I love writing, but I don’t love being overlooked. I don’t want to drop fd but sometimes I’m scared I might have to.
Idk it just feels like the forces of the universe are against me I suppose.
Oh hi it’s been a while
You thought I got better didn’t you . Muahaha
Ok here’s a poem
I’m angry.
I’m hateful.
I scare people off.
I bare my teeth at my own peers
Because I’m alone and I don’t know
What I’m doing.
I’m scared
And I bite the hand that feeds me.
I’m shallow
Yet I care too much.
Caring hurts me
So I pretend I don’t care
Which hurts others.
I’m stubborn because I’m scared
To lose myself
And now you’re mad
Because something I think is incorrect.
I can’t form my own opinions
Because when I voice them
Even if they’re mundane
I’m suddenly on the wrong side
And I’m embarrassed.
I’m wrong to one side
Yet I’m also wrong to the other,
I don’t know where I’m
Supposed to be.
Do I even belong anywhere?
Or am I trying too hard?
I want to create.
I want to impress.
But everyone’s afraid and now
They don’t care and honestly
I’m always so close to giving up
Because I don’t see a point anymore
And I’m trying
I’m fucking trying
But maybe that’s the problem.
When will you realize that I’m one of the people
You’re so afraid of.