forum Want to know more about depression? Service dogs/horses? Anger issues? What it's like to be easily overwhelmed by senses?

Started January 18, 2020 by @Oakiin

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All that plus what it's like to be an optimist and have all of that going for ya.

I'd like to know a little more about depression since I have a character who has it. Specifically, what is it like? Like how does it affect your day to day life?

Hey! Great question, this is where most symptoms of depression get missed! I'll bullet point it or you, so it's not as hard to read xD Big chunks of text are the worst ^^ This is long, so sorry for that, but it's stuff that's everyday for me, stuff I always have to be thinking about to make sure I'm caring for myself.

• Day to day, it's just sort of 'there.' It depends on if I'm on an upwards mood trend, or a downwards one. I have Major Depressive Disorder, so it would be different for people with say, dysthymia, which is a low-grade, president feel of depression. (I recommend you look this one up, because people try to write characters with depression and often end up writing dysthymia instead. This article has a short description right at the end if you scroll all the way down: https://www.health.com/condition/depression/types-of-depression)
• But for MDD, or 'clinical depression,' it's something that doesn't ALWAYS affect me 24/7. I have days here I'm feeling great, perfectly neurotypical, and I have days where all I can do is sit there. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't. I'm generally pretty aware of how my mood's going, I try to keep tabs on it a lot, that way I can tell if I'm going up or down. Once you have depression for a while, you can generally predict your mood swings based off how you're feeling in a certain day.
• These trends are pretty slow to act, so it's rare that I'm fine one day, and wake up suicidal the next. Usually if my mood starts to go down, it'll fluctuate up and down a little bit as the days go by, but I'll be able to see an overall degradation. Same with up, it'll happen over the course of days, creating a wavy line that might slowly creep up. (Or quickly!)
• One important thing I've found, is that having depression is like having a separate set of mood from your usual moods. And those two sets can be doing wildly opposite things. Sometimes my depression is kicking me pretty hard but I feel fine, emotionally. So it can be hard to distinguish how you're actually feeling. In other worlds, emotions and depression aren't the same for me. Usually they follow the same trends, but sometimes they just do their own thing.
• People have two misconceptions when it comes to depression. One s commonly known, and it's the 'they're always sad' misconception. We're not. I'm sure you know that xD But the other one is the 'everything feels like nothing 24/7,' which is also not true. Most the time it's fatigue and exhaustion that makes us feel so blank, but it's not feeling 'nothing.' It's just that the max amount of energy we can exert is spent talking, blinking breathing, eating walking, etc. Emotions require energy we just don't have.
  -The other end of that is we also have a wide range of emotions we express through depression. I for instance, have an explosive anger when I'm depressed, and it can be at anything. It makes me lash out at loved ones, myself, anything.
• Another thing that's pretty commonly a problem for me, is when I have negative emotions that aren't signs of my depression. It can be hard, when I get angry for example, not to think that it's my depression coming to bite my butt. But sometimes, it's just normal emotional responses. The problem there, is I have so many coping mechanisms for my depression, it's hard to move on from regular emotions, because I automatically set up my defense structures, which usually means I'm in for the long haul, when I should just say 'eh. It's whatever' and move forward.
• Memory loss is a big one, but not how you might think. My memory fluctuates, both retrograde and anterograde. That's because having a mental disorder means your brain's energy is focused on other things, so it takes away energy from less important functions, such as memory. It's not permanent, and my memory is normal when I'm doing okay. Other times, when I'm feeling terrible, I can't even remember a single thing I just said, or anything that happened yesterday. I always tell my therapist that I have no idea what my week looked like when I've been doing badly. Sometimes I can't even remember how I was feeling the week. It's like "I have a vague idea of my moods, a vibe, an aesthetic if you will…Could I rank my mood on a 10-point scale? Nah, bro. I don't know what I woke up feeling."
• The last thing I'll mention is triggers. Depression has triggers just like anything else, and they can be WEIRD, lemme tell ya. For me, some of mine are:
• Hitting my head on things
• Listening to very specific songs
• People who I adore, but I have associations with them and certain thing in my past
• Not being productive
• Sleeping in

And a few others. These triggers vary in how triggering they are based off my current mood. For example, if i'm feeling fine, I can listen to those songs as much as I'd like, but if I'm on the fence mentally, I have to avoid them to avoid a major depressive fall. Sometimes I trigger myself on purpose, if I'm feeling especially hate myself-y. Hitting my head is never good, because that's my self-harm method. But if I'm feeling fine otherwise, I can usually grin and bear it.

OKAY!! that's the basics of it! This is all stuff that affects me every single day, in some way shape or form. There's more, but this is getting really long, but if you want, I can sure continue. Some of the things I left out are:

• Self-hate
• Family relationships when they know about the disorder
• Going out in public with it
• Friendships, irl and online
• Coping skills
• Why someone might NOT want to go t therapy, which was me until very recently.
• Ideation
• How it affects my college work

If you're interested in any of that, let me know! If you want me to read anything to fact check, or if you have any question at all, I'm open to talk about anything!

Wow, thank you for such an in depth response! I think that about covers most of what I needed to know, but if I think of any other questions I'll definitely come back.

yw, glad to help!! <3 <3

Memory loss is a big one, but not how you might think. My memory fluctuates, both retrograde and anterograde. That's because having a mental disorder means your brain's energy is focused on other things, so it takes away energy from less important functions, such as memory. It's not permanent, and my memory is normal when I'm doing okay. Other times, when I'm feeling terrible, I can't even remember a single thing I just said, or anything that happened yesterday.

Can I just say that I am so happy to find someone else that also experiences the memory issues. There have been times when I have been having a conversation with someone and I have forgotten something that I said not two seconds ago.
Although for me, it affects me constantly no matter what mood I am in.
My depression has gotten to the point where I'm even forgetting who I am sometimes, what my biological sex is, what day it is, things that I should really remember (and I'm hoping that my medication will help to sort that out).

Memory loss is a big one, but not how you might think. My memory fluctuates, both retrograde and anterograde. That's because having a mental disorder means your brain's energy is focused on other things, so it takes away energy from less important functions, such as memory. It's not permanent, and my memory is normal when I'm doing okay. Other times, when I'm feeling terrible, I can't even remember a single thing I just said, or anything that happened yesterday.

Can I just say that I am so happy to find someone else that also experiences the memory issues. There have been times when I have been having a conversation with someone and I have forgotten something that I said not two seconds ago.
Although for me, it affects me constantly no matter what mood I am in.
My depression has gotten to the point where I'm even forgetting who I am sometimes, what my biological sex is, what day it is, things that I should really remember (and I'm hoping that my medication will help to sort that out).

Yes, I can feel you on that, memory loss is a real pain in the butt. I'm really sorry to hear it's gotten so bad for you in the past. But good for you, getting medication! That's something I'm still debating on myself. I wish you the best of luck with it, I hope it helps you! And thanks for reaching out and sharing <3

@HearToday Here you go lovely :)

Hey- service horses are a thing??

They sure are!! And they're a great alternative to service dogs, especially concerning mobility centered disabilities. Miniature horses have been experimented with for guide and mobility work since 1999, and they've performed really well. In fact, besides dogs, they're the only other animal the ADA allows to perform as a service or assistance animal!
Horses must be between 55 to 200 pounds, and of course, like service dogs, have a level temperament and be trained to the highest standard. They live a lot longer than dogs, and have a 20+ working age. Service dogs, however, are often retired at age ten. Mini horses can live up to 35 years, and are reportedly very smart and quick to learn. They've been shown to have dedication to their people and be remarkably good at keeping them safe.
Downsides to this options are:

• There are only a few places that offer service horses, vs the hundreds of places that train service dogs.
• They require more care than a dog.
• I can't even imagine the backlash some people get over them. People like to harass service dogs enough, I'm sure services horses face the same difficulty.

But I recommend you look them up, it's a really cool idea, and it's fun to see all those little horses doing their jobs so proudly! xD
And happy birthday, btw!!

@KHS-SunGod Hey, that's very well researched and well-written. I was unaware of some of it. I'm sorry it's a thing you need to deal with :(
I would be interested in topics you left out, like "Family relationships when they know about the disorder"… "Friendships, irl and online" … "Self hate" …

Thanks! It does suck to deal with, but I'm glad my experiences could be used to help others. And of course! I'm happy to answer your questions :) Thanks for asking! This one's going to get long again, sorry sorry!

• Family relationships when they know about the disorder:
  This can be very difficult to deal with, since everyone has their own views on depression, different household members have different relationships with me, and some people are easier to talk to than others. All of this is true outside of families, but since most times you deal with your fam on a day to day basis, this becomes more accentuated. For example, everyone in my house is, (as far as I know), aware of my diagnosis. However, I rarely talk to them about it, because I don't want them to be involved in that part of my life. Why? Because my depression isn't me. Online, or with friends I see more rarely, it's a lot better to talk about this stuff, because their interactions with me aren't day to day. With family, I don't want them thinking me as just my diagnosis, even if they don't intend to. Plus, it can be hard to wake up and talk to people normally after having a heart-to-heart the night before! It's not a bad thing, just really hard to do constantly. Depression is constant. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes, I feel awful. But regardless, I still know that I have condition that isn't going away. Your family will want to inquire after you and follow up, which can be really uncomfortable, for me at least. I just told you my entire life-sob-story, don't ask for more details! xD
  Another thing that happens with family is they begin to tiptoe around you, and treat you different. I don't want that either. I want to go about my day, have fun, and be treated normally. Family has a heck of a time with that.
  Other things that impact family relationships are, as mentioned, views on the illness, and the relationship you had with that person prior to their knowledge of your condition. For example, having a parent roll their eyes, or sigh, or even as little things as just shift their position into one you recognize as "here we go," can all be very invalidating things, even if the parent says they support you. (Another reason why it's super hard for the family to then not tiptoe! There's no way they can know everything they do that can be hurtful.)
  On the flip side, having a parent talk as if they know your struggle, and be pushy to you about getting help, or dealing with it as fast as possible can be very stressful too. They might over talk you as you're trying to explain things to them, and jump to conclusions based off what you've said.
  And depending on if I was emotionally close to the person before, I may not want to broach the subject at all.

• Friendships, online and IRL
  These can be rough! Here I can't speak for everyone generally, I have to stick to my own experiences, because everyone's different.
  Real life friends are a lot easier for me to manage, even though they can still be a challenge. Online, I get bogged down and tired quickly, then stressed out as I fail to reply quickly to those I really enjoy. This creates a negative feedback loop that makes me delay the reply longer, then get more stressed, then delay it longer, etc. I've gotten a lot better at this, but it's still really hard!!! It makes me feel like a bad friend, among other things.
  For irl friends, the hard part is summoning the energy to actually go to the planned events. Any number of excuses can hold me back: "It's too late, I have to get to bed!", "It's far away I don't want to leave overnight/drive myself that far.", "I'm too busy, I'll have to go next time.", "I'm too tired, I wouldn't be any fun." ect, ect.
  Or, similar to online friendships, I'll have trouble communicating via text to people. I love social stuff, but sometimes, it almost causes more stress than it solves.

• Self-deprecation
  This. This is the one everybody talks about, but actually, it's not as big a component as many think. Sure, it is big. And I do mean BIG. But honestly, for me, I haven't experienced it so much. My self hate comes more from circumstances not to do with me directly, and anytime I've been suicidal, it's been much more about "I can't handle 'life' anymore," not "I can't handle 'myself' anymore." Self-harm is actually more to do with self hate for me. But that's a different topic, really.
  Self hate stems from events that make me look bad, things I mess up, stuff like that. Even if no one else cares, some stuff matters that much to me, especially socially. But more often now a days, I get mad at other people, not myself. I think this is a product of therapy, as it's definitely making me deal with my disorder more confidently, and those successes build up my self esteem.

Well, that's about it!! If you want to know any more, please just ask!

Wow, that must be tough … and I appreciate you articulating so well on these topics! I think you're amazing. You say you feel more confident about dealing with the disorder…it sounds like you've worked hard. I can see that you are determined to make progress and will keep trying even if the pace of healing isn't as fast as might be desired. Do you agree? I don't want to make any wrong assumptions. At any rate - I believe in you!
What other topic would you say was one of the most important for you regarding all this?

Okay, sorry for the late reply! I'm back now however :)
I can't really say weather I'm "determined to make progress and will keep trying even if the pace of healing isn't as fast as might be desired" or not. When stuff gets hard, my depression will always make me want to give up. Often times, it's someone else dragging me along, and I'm not doing much at all xD
As far as what else is important to me, it would definitely be the fact that a lot of times, depression is kept super hush hush and there's a huge internal stigma in those with depression of isolation. The joke is always "Haha I feel like killing myself, no one cares, I'll just go be alone and suffer by myself." The amount of times I've seen something like this is terrifying. It's (from personal experience), a horrible mentality to spread, because people like young depressed me, can see it all over and think, "okay, that's just how this is. No one will listen, no one cares"
It's dangerous to hide depression, and was a big part of what stopped me from getting therapy for so long. Mental health needs to be talked about in a hopeful light, that makes is valid, but not something impossible to overcome. Privacy and mental health do not go hand in hand healthily in my experience. While there shouldn't be any glorifying of mental illness, it should be commonly spoken of reframed in a positive, hopeful light.
You can get help, you can learn to cope, it does get better. Isolation is not going to help you get help, learn to cope, (in any healthy way), or get better. Talking openly to people and therapy does. So. Much. Good.

You are good at talking about this and I am glad you are my very good friend. I'm sure many other people are as well. <3