forum Willing to Critique
Started by Deleted user
tune

people_alt 4 followers

Deleted user

Just attach a link to your character (And make sure you made them public) and I'll try to critique them. If you want something specific critiqued, just tell me. I'm pretty much always available, so go nuts.

Deleted user

  • Her appearance is really good, but you use way too many semicolons. This makes the passages really hard to read. Either use commas to list things or make them into different sentences. You actually have this problem throughout her sheet.
  • In the mannerisms section, you include several things that aren't mannerisms. A mannerism is something you do unconsciously like biting your lip when you're stressed, twirling your hair when you're bored, or randomly humming. You include things like 'playing piano' which is a hobby, 'petting her cat' which is a general thing you like, and 'being too curious for her own good/being easily spooked' which are personality traits. (There are more than this, so I suggest you look over it again)
  • Being jealous of a certain group isn't a prejudice. A prejudice is a preconceived idea about another group that causes harm to said group.
  • For the talents section, you can just say necromancy, you don't need to add a label saying 'Paranormal activity'

Aside from these kind of nitpicky things, she looks great! Good job!

Deleted user

Actually, that page is private. Can you make it public so I can view it?

Deleted user

Looks really good alothough i don't see alot but what i did see was good.

Deleted user

Thanks for helping @🦇🕷👽🎃👻HALLOWEEN_LOVER🦇🕷👽🎃👻( Or Hallowbot), but I actually have a few critiques of my own.

So here's what I have to say:

  • Your character is 14 and had a tattoo, which definitely isn't normal behavior. If she got it because it's a cultural norm or something you need to do for an initiation right, you need to explain that.
  • For weight, you need to add a unit. I know it's a little nitpicky, but it's definitely something you need to list otherwise people get confused. Is she 68 pounds, 68 stone, 68 grams, or some other weight?
  • You mention Genesis having rare fae powers and accessing a different form, but none of this is explained in her backstory. These seem like pretty important thing in her history and they deserve to be included.
  • On the note of backstories, you don't really explain how Genesis was used as a weapon.
  • Finally, this is a 14-year-old girl and she's an assassin. That doesn't seem plausible in the least. 14-year-olds are emotionally unstable and small enough to be easily dealt with. Also: Your character has only had 4 years of training, most adult mercenaries (Which I'm going to equate with assassins for now just to make things simpler) need a crap ton of training to get good at what they do.

With that said, she looks very interesting, and I find her interesting. Honestly, her story seems awesome and she looks great. I hope you have a lot of luck with her! :)

Deleted user

@AJ, here you go

  • Be a little more detailed with her hairstyle. Is her hair straight? Curly? How long are the tails? DO they fall to her waist? Her shoulders? Drag on the floor? How long are her bangs?
  • For the race, you just listed 'White'. I'm guessing this is an original race, but you may want to explain that a little further. What do 'Whites' do? Are they immortal? Do they have fantastical powers?
  • You didn't do a very good job detailing her body type. Does she have an hourglass figure? Slim hips? Is she muscular? Does she have a large upper body? All of this needs to be explained.
  • In motivations, you put 'her own desires', which is way too inspecific. What are her desires? Does she want to regain lost honor? Avenge a friend/family member? Protect loved ones?
  • In flaws, you gave her a list of flaws and good points. You don't add the good parts because that's not what the category is for. Instead of "Good at improvising, but not so good at thinking things through" say "Can't think things through very well". Instead of "Brave, but reckless" simply say "Reckless"
  • If you want to write a character for a book/story series, you need to have a more detailed personality than "ESFP-A: Slytherin Primary, Gryffindor Secondary" You can use what you put in the flaws section of your character to weave a much more workable personality. For example "Mara is incredibly loyal but easily becomes possessive over loved ones. She's brave and good at making things up on the fly, but she's ao reckless and impulsive, almost never thinking things through. She's selfish and immature, although she loves her friends and does her best to keep them happy."

Everything else looks amazing, and I hope you have good luck writing. I'd b really interested in reading her story.

Deleted user

@Darkblossom

  • You mention Spirit Kats a whole lot but give no explanation of what a Spirit Kat is. I'm assuming they're a cat-like creature, but you really need to explain the race with more depth
  • For hair color, you may want to explain that white patches. Are they large blobs of white? Tiny speckles? Are there any patterns?
  • Most of her nature is pretty shallow and seems to boil down to 'soft girl who's timid and shy'. Give her more than this two dimensional cut out of a character. Is she a coward? (Flaw) Does she get irrationally angry/sad? (Personality type) Does she try her best to be happy but fail? (Personality type) Does she want something more than the life she is living? (Motivation). Expand her beyond the few characteristics she has at this point in time
  • Prejudices are based around groups of people. Instead of 'her abusive father' broaden the category to 'Men who look like her father'
  • What is the 'basic education of any Spirit Kit'?

Overall, she's a bit lacking in detail. With some polish and a bit of tinkering, she could become a gem of a character. Good luck.

Deleted user

  • You should put his full name in the name section, not the nickname section.
  • In the flaws section, you repeat things. For example: instead of saying "he is very blunt and often tactless or at least was when he was younger but has improved over time. he is still sometimes quite blunt and says whatever is on his mind." just say "He's blunt and says whatever is on his mind" Instead of saying "he is very proud as a leo. he holds himself to very high standards with his work and himself. this means he is often stuck in his own head thinking about how whatever he did could have gone better." just say "He holds himself to a very high standard, one he cannot always reach."
  • You say 'He is a prodigy' but don't explain what he's a prodigy at. I'm assuming music but I have no idea
  • dancing and acting in school productions is a hobby, not a talent. If he's good at theater, say ' Good at theater' Speaking Japanese isn't a talent either.
  • As I said in @AJs critique "If you want to write a character for a book/story series, you need to have a more detailed personality than '(ESTJs)'" In fact, you could probably just repurpose your flaws section. Copy and paste it in and then add the good parts of his personality too.
  • Believing in tarot cards isn't really a religion, so you might want to put that somewhere else (Probably a miscellaneous category)
  • Unless this guy is an assassin or the protagonist in a fantasy story (Which you should probably put somewhere on the character sheet if he is) he shouldn't have a favorite weapon.
  • What is auskick? This needs an explanation.

This seems like an interesting character, and with a bit of polishing, he could be great. With a little elbow grease, you'll have yourself a character worthy of an amazing story

Matthias

Thanks for the feedback and i agree with what you have suggested. But there are a few things i would like to say to clear some things up. Yes he is a character in a fantasy series or at least book that is why he has a favourite weapon. as far as personality goes i didn't put more in because i wanted to limit the amount of text but in hindsight i needed to have more info. I presume your not Australian sorry if your are but as far as Auskick goes it is an AFL thing kids in Australia do. Sorry if you did know what it means I just to the question literally. one thing i do not understand is when you said to explain what being in year 9 means. could you explain that in more detail. Thank you again and i am glad you think with some polishing he could be a great character.

Deleted user

Well, thank you for the feedback on my feedback. The year 9 thing is just me being dumb because I'm an American, I haven't really heard of it. I'm actually taking it out of the critique. Good luck with him.

Matthias

thank you and don't worry about the year 9 thing i just wanted to make sure i wasn't missing an opportunity to improve my character. i wasn't thinking when i sent it to you so i didn't think about the aus and usa differences my bad.