forum Tips for writing romances (romantic or sexual relationships) as a ace and or aro person

Started September 25, 2022 by Tati

tune

Hi. I have characters in romantic relationships but have no experience personally. I also am thinking I might be a-spec. Any tips for writing authentic romantic relationships?

I can only comment on romantic love myself, but do you mean the experience while being in a relationship or romantic feelings in general?

I can help with writing romance! I'm asexual myself though, so don't ask about that xD. So, any specific questions? I'm asking because I'm better at narrowing down instead of trying to explain such a broad topic. If you could make a little list of doubts, that would be great!! I'll be glad to help you"

I can only comment on romantic love myself, but do you mean the experience while being in a relationship or romantic feelings in general?

General.

Ok! For example, when you(as in I, or in many others' experience) meet someone you end up becoming romantically attracted to, you want to hang out with them and know more about them. It feels like you're always waiting for them to message you, or talk to you. Some people feel jealous of their close friends or s/o (if they have one) for no apparent reason. When you realize you have feelings for them, body language and speech plays a part; compliments and little greetings, waving, laughing. You want to be physically and emotionally close to them, and you think a lot about their words and what they think. If there's anything else in particular you wanted to know, I likely can answer that as well :)

One of the best tips I've seen in regards to writing compelling relationships was called "the kiss test" or something like that, and the basis of it is this: if the characters have to actually, physically kiss (or make out or have sex or whatever) for you as either the reader or the writer to realize that they're attracted to each other and/or in love with each other, you need to spend more time developing the relationship. It's fine for the characters to not realize their feelings until they kiss, but as the writer you should be putting down clues for the reader to pick up on beforehand.

Thanks. This is all great advice.

Ahhh I remember the kiss test, it’s a good thing to keep in mind.

Ahhh I remember the kiss test, it’s a good thing to keep in mind.

It helps me a lot when it comes to determining relationships in stories that have shifted over time; like I'll do the Kiss Test in my head and go "wow maybe these two shouldn't be together just bc they were together in the original idea five years ago" lol

Im here Im queer and Ill answer your request rn but Im on my phone so I cant really put aposthrophes (or however else its written) without it being a hassle, so sorry for the lack of formatting and abundance of typos, I SWEAR I CAN WRITE OK

Oh well, lets go. First of all, as I said, Im asexual myself (apothisexual or sex-repulsed to be exact) so I wont really be of use for this topic, but I can help with romance. First of all, I think a grear way to convey romance is to just write down how the partners see eachother. Doesnt have to be in a sexualizing/objectifying way, just in a way that conveys what they think of their partner, specially if its a descriptor for "unimportant" or less obvious details. For example, the sound of the other's laughter, the way they walk, the little mannerisms they get when they excitedly tell their partner about a good thing that happened at work or whatever. You get what I mean? It doesnt have to be a physical description. Its honestly quite tireding to read all these stories who focus on how "beautiful and how the guy loves the girl's curves and how the girl loves the guy's muscles" and yadda yadda, I mean, for fuck's sake, that tells me nothing about their relationship other than that theyre horny!

Ok, I'm on my PC now so back to writing normally xD. Since you're aro, I'll try to explain how it feels like to be romantically attracted to someone. For the sake of brevity, AA = Aesthetic Attraction, PA = Platonic Attraction, RA = Romantic Attraction, SA = Sensual Attraction, XA = seXual Attraction. It's not inherently tied to AA (as in finding someone pretty), but it might overlap sometimes, just know that to be RA to someone, you don't have to find them pretty necessarily. The biggest divergence between AA and RA is the emotional aspect, when you're romantically attracted to them, you want to get closer emotionally, and unlike PA, it's a "stronger" desire to do so, RA is one step above in intimacy. While with friends you might enjoy spending the whole day together, you likely enjoy the space left by living in different homes, you enjoy the degree of separation, with a romantic partner you usually want to live with them, to be with them all the time, or at least most of the time. In online romantic relationships, this physical space is bridged by a much more intense amount of communication, which is also an aspect of romantic relationships, overall we tend to crave a good talk with our partners, even if it's about stupid and trivial topics! A fun aspect of RA is how it makes you appreciate the small details the the other, as I mentioned, like small mannerisms, specific words they use, the way they pronounce certain stuff, the way they move in certain scenarios. I'm avoiding the physical aspect because it's a really personal aspect of relationships that I personally dislike, but usually, RA and SA go hand in hand, even for ace people like me! To make it clear, SA is not the same as XA, SA is about a desire to practice physical intimacy without sex or sexual interactions. For example: holding hands, hugging, kissing and cuddling fall under SA, while sex (of all types), kinks, fetishes and "sexual touching" (Idk how to explain but like… touching…. the parts….) falls under XA. Usually romantic relationships include all the 5 attractions, but for us queer folk it can definitely differ, in my case, initially I only presented PA towards my partner, and overtime I developed RA, and a bit later on AA but hardly any SA (I hate most touch but I'm ok with kisses and hugs), and as a sex-repulsed ace, XA is 100% a no-go. Some allo people present first and foremost XA and AA, and then RA (example, developing feelings for a one-night-stand, or "that hot person in class"). Some people start with PA and then RA (example, childhood friends to lovers). Aspec people can go AA to RA. The possibilities are endless in which order the attractions develop, and which of them develop at all, mixing and matching them in the timeline is what gives relationships so much diversity and so many dynamics. For online relationships, AA might not be relevant at all sometimes, for ace people, XA is not as relevant, for people with certain traumas, SA might not be relevant, for casual relationships, PA isn't as relevant. When you're RA to someone, you also tend to try to please them and be less ironic, for example, if your friend says they don't like your favourite band you might just say "lmao fuck you bro" and they know it's not a big deal, while romantic partners might be more open to try to listen to it and even if they dislike it after all, they'll try to convey that in the least conflicting way. This is not a requirement at all, I'm really ironic with my partner and vice-versa, and yet we never had a single fight! It's all a question of boundaries. What I mean is that in RA, you care more about what your partner thinks of you, you try to fit in with them better, or at least you're typically willing to try things out to please or understand them more than you'd do with friends.

Thing is: all I said is valid for "healthier" relationships. Too much or too little of all of these lead to relationships that can be either explosive or abusive. For example: A couple that never EVER gives up things for the other will fight a lot more (like those husbands who miss their fucking child's birth to go "watch a football game and drink some beers with Da Bois^TM"), while a relationship where someone changes themselves too much for the other becomes abusive QUICK (like housewives who are super submissive and allow their husbands to dictate what they can or can't do, and the wife's desire to please her partner becomes the partner's "free pass" to control her). Again, too much or too little leads to dysfunctional relationships, of any kind. Too much jealousy (possessiveness), too little jealousy (uninterest), too much communication (suffocating), too little communication (impersonality, distance), too much maleability (gap for power imbalance and control), too little maleability (stubborness, incompatibility), etc etc etc etc etc… Relationships, specially romantic ones are extremely diverse and it's hard for me to narrow them down to text, there are as many relationship dynamics as there are people in relationships, some healthy, some not, but I hope this was somehow helpful!

This was very helpful! I appreciate the detail @Wykie, and mentioning the different types of attraction is definitely an important point ^^ I definitely employ a lot of AA, PA, and SA in the romances I write, since that’s some of the only types that I understand the most hahah

This was very helpful! I appreciate the detail @Wykie, and mentioning the different types of attraction is definitely an important point ^^ I definitely employ a lot of AA, PA, and SA in the romances I write, since that’s some of the only types that I understand the most hahah

I second that! Very helpful