Suggestions for writing a gay character dealing with some self ingrained homophobia
Started June 23, 2020 by walter

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walter

June 23, 2020

Suggestions for writing a gay character dealing with some self ingrained homophobia

@Young-Dusty-the-Monarch-of-Dusteria

June 23, 2020

Sorry about this * dumps a heap of potential personality traits with little thought or explanation*
Anger issues, insecurity, critical of others without realizing that they actually share the same 'flaws', heavy denial, overthinking their own behavior, obsession with the topic, but at the same time verrrrrry touchy about the idea of being gay, pushing away other people of the same gender, fearing or hating other gay people for no good reason, believing/spreading stupid lies about the queer community, crying in their room late at night due to frustration and confusion and low self-esteem.
(These are mostly based on some personal experiences last year, which weren't exactly related to being gay or homophobic but something similar. Sorry if they're inaccurate/not very helpful ^^;)

@kittycalyx

June 25, 2020

internalized homophobia could maybe lead to things like self-loathing, denying their sexuality to others or to themself, not opening up to people or just not being honest with them, avoiding someone they have feelings for or actively being rude to that person, avoiding and distancing themself from the queer community, and stuff like that

@ccb

June 26, 2020

personally, what stands out to me the most while remembering my struggles with internalized homophobia is how "predatory" i felt/was made to feel, like my attraction to other women was innately disrespectful to those women, no matter how innocent it was. here's a couple excerpts from a piece i wrote on the matter a couple years ago, but tw for mentions of self-harm and sexual assault (and homophobia obviously):

Spoiler - click to show.

But the reason “cute” made me fall head over heels was also the second unreported and important reason that I had started engaging in self-harm. I felt like “too much,” in a lot of ways. I am 5’10” now, and at the time I was already at least 5’8”. I had strong opinions and a big personality, at least up until that year, when I decided I didn’t want to be loud and boisterous anymore: when I began to understand what people thought about me, as a bisexual woman. You see, not only are LGBTQ+ people seen as sexual objects, we’re also seen as sexual predators—yet another stereotype that I had internalized. A girl who has feelings for another girl is violating her, no matter how quiet she keeps those feelings, no matter how many men have done the same thing and gotten off scot-free. I had a frenemy back then who used to talk about how she was “afraid of lesbians” because she thought “they would rape [her].” When I would tell her that was not only blatantly homophobic but also deeply offensive to rape victims, not even bringing my own bisexuality into the equation, she would say “it’s just a joke,” but to me it wasn’t. It made my ears hot and my heart drop. It made me hate myself. It was shit like that which made me need to punish myself, tone myself down, tear myself down if I had to, wallow in my own sensitivity and vulnerability just to make myself smaller, less of a threat, less gay.

Spoiler - click to show.

The first time I tried to come out was at my friend’s birthday party in sixth grade. It was early December, it was snowing, and we were all outside in her hot tub. We were playing truth or dare, and I was still an exuberant tomboy then, still a fearless kid who wanted adventure and didn’t quite know what it entailed, and I was feeling crazy and invincible after doing 5 cartwheels in a swimsuit on snow covered ground. I think that at some point during the game we must have started talking about boys, and I guess I figured that if we were collectively progressive enough to talk about our attraction to boys we were collectively progressive enough to talk about attraction as a whole. I don’t even remember what or who I was saying it to specifically. I just remember saying “I think I’m bisexual.” It was quiet for a minute. Then it seemed to sink in for Eliza, who promptly said “Ew, stop looking at me!”
I hadn’t even been looking at her, which is how I know it was just a knee-jerk reaction of disgust for what I was. She said it like I was a spider who had crawled onto her shoulder, and she realized after a split-second that I was there and had to bat me off. So I backpedaled, hard. I acted like it was a joke. And after that I acted like it never happened, but the way she said what she said echoed in my mind every time I liked a girl until I liked Marty, who seemed to at least kind of reciprocate. Who thought I was cute, somehow, even as I felt like the most overwhelming thing in the world, even as I desperately tried to shrink myself.

hope that helps even if it's basically just stylized rambling about my mental health issues as a young teen lol

Deleted user

June 26, 2020

Allow me to dump my bucket of trauma on you and hope that helps.

Okay, so I am not gay but I am queer and a lot of my experiences can also apply in other contexts.

So not all of my family is supportive of my identity and that… hurts. A lot. Honestly a lot of my internalized queerphobia manifests as worrying I'm not "good enough" or "queer enough", I set impossible standards for myself and others and as a result tend to alienate people with stereotypes forced on me at a ridiculously young age. My church was a toned-down version of the Westborough Baptist, and most of my family left it after me and my (close) cousin came out although some of my family still attends.

I learned from a young age how to act and not act, what was "ladylike" or "sinful", and so on. A lot of internalized queerphobia is gender roles being forced upon you and you trying to accommodate for them in your identity as well as "growing up too fast" which in my case meant getting sexually assaulted at like, 7-8 years old and then thrice again during high school and college for being "strange".

I still remember getting blisters from these nice, formal modest heels I wore to church every day after I'd turned 13. I hated those heels, they were absolutely impossible to navigate in and I sprained my ankles more times than I can count I swear to god (I love wearing heels now and expressing my queerness in so many different ways but then was… different). I was a "young woman" and people were really fucking weird about it. I didn't even begin menstruating until 15 (late bloomer much lmao) and even then that's hardly "womanhood" but everyone treated me like I was an adult and "boys being boys" was like. Legit said to me more times than I can count and I still have to stop and orient myself when I get harassed (happens less now but still) and actually call them out for it (if I'm safe in doing so that is).

I learned a lot of unhealthy meanings behind my queerness and like. My total disinterest in boys (and anyone for that matter) was seen as pure and holy and shit at first but after a while my aunts kept pressing me to marry (my mom was the crazy old woman of the church and is incredibly supportive to this day, she got them to knock it off. Love you mom!) and it suuuucked.

Look, I am 19 years old now, 20 in September. They were telling me to plan a goddamn wedding and pick me a man at 17 which doesn't seem that young but like. I was so uncomfortable.

Honestly I still have plenty of life to live but I currently struggle most with balancing who I am and who I want to be and my hopes and dreams and stuff with what's "expected" of me.

I just kinda force unhealthy stereotypes on myself. "I'm aroace, I can't have feelings! I can't fantasize or read/write erotica! I can't have a sex drive and certainly not act on it! I'm not sexually attracted to people! What if I'm not really aroace? But like I don't ever want to be with another person in any way besides platonic and-" is something I still struggle with telling myself and going in circles over. A way this could translate into your writing might be "being too gay/unmasculine-and-or-feminine" or "not being gay enough". I still get mad at myself for not being androgynous enough despite being genderly weird, despite the fact that I love presenting all over the spectrum! Honestly it's up to you but queer people seem to have a huge bundle of mental health issues by virtue of existing, it's only the white neurotypical able-bodied middle class cisgender gays and lesbians that are well off and not even them! It hurts!

There's no one way to write a gay character struggling with internalized homophobia and people's experiences are very different. I recommend listening to people tell their stories and let queer voices talk about these things. Just make sure it's not falling into "not your story to tell" territory and you're fine.

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