forum Some Critiuqe on Espen please?

Started January 17, 2018 by @Nor

tune

I'm still working on him but would love some comments on what I can fix or change, or add.

Is the content public? When I click on the link I get redirected to the notebook.ai home

It's private :( If you make it public I can help too!!

how do i make it public, i've looked all over and can't find any button to do so

Oh! So if you click on the character's name, you'll see a little three-dots-triangle sort of thing. Click on that, switch the character's name to 'public,' and then it should work! :P

Thank you! Here is the link now that I've done that.

Yay!! Okay here we go…

Top down…

For starters, I think it's really interesting that you're using a fire-wielding satyr as your main character! THAT I have not heard before. However, it would be helpful if you were to devote part of your description (or a section in notes) to describing his satyr-ness. I can picture his human half, but I can't really picture the satyr part. Also, does 'low bangs, low hair' mean long? That's just a technical thing, though.

Ohhhhh dear. Big problem here. His flaws and motivations are totally in order (although I would argue that some of the flaws aren't ACTUALLY flaws), but… there's nothing else. At the very least, give me a personality type! I know that he wants to help people, and that's it. What is he like? What does he like to do? How does he treat people? These are SUPER IMPORTANT details.

I do like the details put into his social page! Those paint a bit of a better picture, but personality is still the most important, by FAR.

Oh. Well. Background has the same problem as personality. It's just so short! I learn nothing about the character here. ALL of a character's hopes, dreams, flaws, prejudices and motivations should stem from the backstory, but all that you have is 'it was fine.' It's okay to have a normal past, but, as with all main characters, something has to happen to motivate them!

So. Overall: the basis is fine, but without any details, I really can't get to know this character. You started off with an awesome concept that I want to know more about, but you really have to support that! If you're struggling, I would start with background. It really sets up everything else!

I hope this helps you!! :DD

Thank you! I'm still filling out his story as much as possible, and I'm glad to receive some suggestions! I'm sure they will help me along the way! I'll take what you said into serious consideration, and I agree with you on all of the points actually <3
Thank you again!

I've updated Espen some more so if anyone else has some time on their hands I would love to hear your opinions! <3

Ooh yay!! I have, like, endless time on my hands :P

In the classic fashion, we will be going top down…

Ok, even on the intro page, we get a little background! Yayy!!!

The looks page is SO much better! I can actually see the character now!

Interesting prejudice! I like how he's just dead wrong. Usually, 'separation' would end up with 'tear down the wall!!' so I like how you did the complete opposite! Also, I'm really starting to love this chico's canned beans. It's just so cute!! Hobbies really offer more insight. I'm seeing a pure character forming here!

Okay, so politics and birthday and things like that–AWESOME!! Everything has its own little background blip. And yet… still not much of a backstory. Even if not much happened in his past, TELL ME!! It offers such valuable insight into a character's mind. I've learned a lot more about your character, and everything more or less fits, but there's no source. What made him insecure about his weak magic? Why does he shy away from intimidating people? Why does he hate the wall? There is ALWAYS a reason!

Overall? VAST improvement. Everything is falling into place! Once you get a backstory to tie it all together, I think you've got an awesome character!!

I hope this helps!! :DDD

I'm glad it's improved :D
Thank you for taking the time to look at it ahhh <3
I'll be sure to work hard on the backstory so it all comes together nicely!

Wrote some backstory, not done yet bc my wrist is dying ahhh
plus I have to work at school but I'm not
hehe
eheh
eh
he

ok first off, what a bean! He sounds super pure and lovely. Now to ripping him apart:
-you have a lot up there but his personality types and nature still seem a little flat. You said he judges which is an awesome start, but at least in my personal experience (maybe I'm just cynical who knows), no one is really all good. Even those people who are super sweet and good are more complex when you get to know them as well as a reader does in a story. I hope that was helpful!
-M

It was helpful! Very much so! I'll work on giving him more of a fleshed out personality! Thank you!