forum Send me characters to "critique"
Started by NOpe
tune

people_alt 7 followers

NOpe

Overview- Why is he called "Gladiator"? because he has a sword and a shield? Also, Rogues Gallery? You know what that is right? Who would name their group that?

Looks- "Athletic" What does that mean? No such thing as too specific. He is very light.

Nature- Why does the world hate them? More hobbies, does he spend all day playing ice hockey lol. Talents needs more too, more character-defining things are needed I guess. "Far too empathetic" is a weird thing to put, I think what you mean is he is controlling, which you just said so this line is unnecessary. Save the world from what? The whole describing what he does when he's angry or whatever is mostly fine but more, MOOORE. Energy shield? What? Like a force field? Where did that come from? Okay, he has powers.

Social- Energy blade… Okay.

History. Okay, Neo-humans. Lots of complaints here, First of all, this is more of a history of the world than him. Second, this is against what I just said because I want less about the history of the world and more about Caleb but why do Neo humans exist? What are they? Why do they have powers? Why do people hate them? "because after the age of heroes the world was broken a bit?" What does that mean? Was the population destroyed? He left for an adventure, chill Bilbo lol.

Summary- I may have been a bit too critical on the whole power thing and the Neo-human thing because I've seen so much of that kind of stuff on this site and other places. But it's not a bad character, my advice would be, ironically, focus on your characters, I know I kinda ranted about the world history thing but as long as your characters are interesting and play well off each other no matter how cliche your story is you can make it work. 6/10

No seriously why "The Rogues gallery?" that's like the dumbest thing ever lmao. Cool character, a lot of potential here.

Caboose

Yes I know what a Rogues Gallery is but in the story they all get arrested at some point by this one guy . I know the whole story/universe thing is hard to follow but you can't really put all that in a character profile tbh. With Neo-Humans tho I really wanted a simple way to make people who are just born with powers. They are a different species of human who straight up develop powers at a random age. Okay so for the world being broken think like the first mad max where it's not the full apocalypse but it's close. Also the name has just been in my head for years and it's stuck.

NOpe

Okay. Okay, that was my exact poorly explained point, you can't fully explain the world in the character profile, you should add more characterization in the history slot instead of just explaining the lore. I don't really care about Neo-humans, its fine.

NOpe

Overview- How do you say Nyir? Reminds me of Ymir from Shingeki no kyojin, Is it like "in-year"? "nyear"? "Nyirr"? Not a complaint just curious.

Looks are good.

Nature is strange, you describe her as a good leader and detail her "hanging out with chasers" or "debating with Tyfer or spending time with her son, amazing leader, a good conversationalist and cares too much for others but then you say she doesn't give anyone any respect. That's very contradictory, respect is vital to leadership and social "relationships" even with children to some degree, just a strange thing is all.

So, why is her husband's death a failure to her and humanity? She couldn't protect him? How does humanity play into that? Does she blame humanity?

"Nyir is a chaser, she observes beyond the limit, collects samples, battles dragons." What is the limit?"

History- I understand most of this but I don't. Aside from the (purposely?) rushed relationship, I guess you can't explain all the lore in history but this gave me more questions than answers lol. But that's not important to the character so I won't ask.

Why is her birthday N/A? wut

Summary- Good character, not much to say, this feels like dragon snk and Nyir is Eren Yeager lol. Anyway, she's a nice adult protag and its refreshing to see a character not shined up by the "beauty standards" a lot of people use when writing. Just could use a bit more insisght into her background, what was her life like? What was the process from the "bliss" to the dragon hunting? You got this.
8/10

@WriteOutofTime

Thank you! Nyir is pronounced similar to Ymir, but with less emphasis on the first syllable. Somewhere between "Near" and "Ny-ir." I'm glad you picked up on the snk stuff, because it is loosely based on it, at least thematically. You don't think it's too close to it, do you? You can peep my universe if you're interested.

Yeah, the nature thing does need some clearing up. Basically, she doesn't…sugarcoat. Or use fancy titles, or pay attention to respect she's expected to give. Basically, she's extremely no-nonsense and extremely against respect that isn't earned.

Her history/the limit are all explained in the Universe and the locations. It's too in-depth to put in each character profile. If you're interested, please do take a look. The birthday thing is also explained, I think… but just in case it isn't: no one observes birthdays anymore, or even months passing. Time is separated by days and years. Birthdays just kinda…lost their relevancy. Celebrations are reserved for graduations, mostly.

Anyway, thanks so much for the critique! You've been a huge help!

NOpe

Ok
Looks: So if the Gelfs are a species that I'm assuming all have those ears, his ears wouldn't really be an "identifying mark" he is also very light.

Nature: Listing bipolar disorder as a flaw is a bit weird.

Social: You describe as him being against the human systems and whatnot but he's Christian?

Background: questions
What exactly did they do to cause him to create an alternate personality? I'm not asking for gory details or whatever it just seems like a strange thing. Also, how did that help him escape? Also, how did he become a legend? Did he fight off the horrible humans? Or fight crime? If so it needs to be explained. And then he somehow returns to being "sane" again. how? Okay up until now you've described him as aloof and light and charming but now he is depressive and isolated? I get that characters have more than one personality trait but the way you put it seems disjointed like you are talking about a different character.
Side question: Can Gelves literally not have children before 1000 years old?

Summary: Interesting character, just needs to be explained better.
6/10

Rin-

Look- he is Avatar's other personality but they look different?
nature- everything seems to just be explaining how dangerous he is, I get it he isnt supposed to have no personality, do more of what you have in mannerisms explain what he does, he's been out for 300 years or something, there has to be more than that.

Nature- I think it's a bit strange that he has no interest in politics but is interested in god lol

History- The mind fracturing was on purpose? Could be explained in Avatars profile as well.

Summary- A bit shallow. Again yeah that's the point but there are better ways to explain it, you can do it.

5/10

@Kinarymo

Thx for the critique!
As he is now he sounds like a mess ;-;

  1. Looks: yeah, ur right. If they're a specie then that isn't a identifying mark.
  2. How is bipolarity a weird thing? If you're saying it's not an actual character flaw, then ok, i can agree :^
  3. Social: first religion that came to my head ;-; sounds stupid, ik ;-;
  4. I'd say his alternate personality wasn't created on purpose. His survival instinct was telling him to fight back, but his conscience was against harming anyone so he's stuck in a dillema (weak stuff, ik). As for the escaping part, the experiment failed rlly bad and gave him an opportunity. I'll cut the legend part out, it's a little silly tbh. He becomes sane again after getting some help from a person they meet. I described him as a nice person in general, because back then he used to be a nice guy; it's only after he loses his family that he turns depressive (he still is depressed in the current time but in the end he goes back to normal after making peace with himself - it's his backstory, his background, i didn't think of including the most recent things that happened to him because i felt i only had to explain his origin story)

  5. And no, they can't have kids until they're 1000, that's why children are so important to them. Time moves different in this world (not a satisfying answer but it's all i got ;w; ). It's messed up ik :')))

  6. Yeah, he looks different… A little strange, i know, but i'm working on it. The guy isn't just a personality anymore, he turned into an alter ego over time.
  7. His nature is soooo painfully plain i don't even know what to trow in there. He's more like Saitama saying "ok" no matter what happens. (i changed this part now, made him not-so-dangerous anymore, he sounded ridiculous)
  8. It truly is weird. I need to change that
  9. Like i said, his mind fracturing was an accident, no one saw it coming
    Thx for the rating, now i know just how bad the problem is :'))))

NOpe

Rie-
Looks- if 163lbs of her weight is her muscle, how much do her bones weigh? Its a joke by the way I get what you mean by that.
Nature: Why put "further explanations" in Notes instead of the tab for them? It's good stuff, just wondering why.
I don't have much to say about it. It's a good character. My only complaint would be taking all that stuff you have in notes and putting it in the tabs it's explaining.
8/10

NOpe

Oria-
Nature-
Mannerisms look like a prequel to Personality type. More detail into how she interacts with the world on a personal level. Meaning expand on all of the bullet points.

Talents- What? What's this? Also, why is knitting in talents if she has a negative point?

Personality type- Explain. By explaining I do not mean putting the definition of ISTJ. Honestly, I don't like when people use them here, but, if you explain how it works for specifically your character it is solid.

Background- The district bit threw me off. I thought this was a Hunger games fanfiction for a second.

Decent, but simple. Could use more characterization in the nature category.
6/10

NOpe

Narion-

Nature- Motivations are a bit lacking. But I suppose you are framing her as that kind of person so it could work if you portray it properly.
Personality type is solid. I'm personally against the INFJ and all but you explained it well.
Background-
History is great. Nice simple, explains where she comes from and a bit of her motivations. All I could complain about is a lack of understanding of how she relates to the plot I don't know about lol.
Great character. Love her.
8/10