Hi lovely writers,
I have another darling ready (I hope) for some feedback. I'm not sure if it's just me and the fact that he's been cooking in my head for so long, but I'm worried that he comes across as a little… boring. I would definitely appreciate some other people's opinions on him!
Here he be: Prince Ghilandar
Hey, I'm back!
Overview:
-I already commented on this with your other character, but I love that you put this much thought into the name.
Looks:
-Cool tradition; stuff like that adds something to the culture and make it seem more real and interesting.
-No real critique; good job.
Nature:
-A flushed face usually shows more anger or embarrassment than nervousness (when nervous, most people will actually turn paler). If you want your character to be different, that's fine. However, people are used to a red face being embarrassment/anger, and in your actual story, if you write "his face turned red," that's what they're going to assume unless you explicitly say he's nervous or add other signs of nervousness, such as sweating palms or mild nausea.
-Also, he would probably do something more for fear, such as tensing up (since I'm assuming he wasn't always completely in control of his magic).
-Do his prejudices also work the other way around (educated people must be good; poorer people are/are more likely to be criminals)?
-Overall, amazing job with this; I feel like he's really well developed personality-wise.
Social:
-Could you explain Bridge? (This is just a question for me; I'm sure you'll explain that in your story, but I'm interested!)
History:
-I like the thought you put into the way your world measures months/days.
-Maybe expand on his backstory just a little? How did he discover his powers? Why did the gardener look after him when his father could have hired a trained governess?
Another fantastic character! Really well done!
If you're worried about him being boring, think about Ghil's dreams, fears, life philosophy, etc. You can always develop a character further.
-I already commented on this with your other character, but I love that you put this much thought into the name.
Thank you! Names mean a lot to me, and I find that getting them just right gives me a solid base for developing my characters.
Nature:
-A flushed face usually shows more anger or embarrassment than nervousness
Thank you for pointing that out, originally I had Embarrassment/Nervousness there and changed it to just nervousness, which isn't correct as technically nervousness is mild fear. Edits made!
-Do his prejudices also work the other way around (educated people must be good; poorer people are/are more likely to be criminals)?
Yes, that is correct. I have updated that section to reflect this.
-Could you explain Bridge? (This is just a question for me; I'm sure you'll explain that in your story, but I'm interested!)
Sure! To be honest I'm not sure if Bridge is going to be its proper name, at the moment it's just a placeholder name for a religion I have a vague idea of. I'm working on a religion page for it at the moment - I'll link it to you when it's ready. :)
-I like the thought you put into the way your world measures months/days.
:D Waaaaaaaay too much thought. I could tell you the phase of the moon on the day he was born and how many years it has been since the weaving of the world, but I figure that information is pretty irrelevant!
-Maybe expand on his backstory just a little? How did he discover his powers? Why did the gardener look after him when his father could have hired a trained governess?
Ooo, good idea! Thank you for this suggestion - I hadn't actually considered how he discovered his Fire magic. Edits made!
Another fantastic character! Really well done!
If you're worried about him being boring, think about Ghil's dreams, fears, life philosophy, etc. You can always develop a character further.
Thank you so much for your in-depth feedback, not just for Ghil but Ben too! I really appreciate hearing your thoughts and critique. I actually found that expanding Ghil's backstory showed me a little more of his personality, since I was looking at 9-year-old not-quite-as-balanced Ghil and not basically-an-adult Ghil.
Glad I could help!
If I could return the favour in any way, please let me know! :)