I am writing a new book and this is only the prologue but PLEASE DON'T HOLD BACK! Write as much CONSTRUCTIVE criticism as you want! (Please write the criticism in the comments here, since you only have viewing access on the document!) Also, I know this is a character section, but nobody would respond in the other sections (oof).)
Link- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pt7lzjaJ28hPLmrn3MxMAmAS6V0LQlFFwd0VDqgzhmw/edit?usp=sharing
I really like the story and your writing style! Do you think you'll continue the story? I'd love to read more. The only critique I have is that you use the word "said" a lot. Maybe try switching it out with other words. There are some lists of words to use instead of "said" lots of different places online. I hope I get to read more of your story sometime!
This is good. You have an idea of how to construct decent sentences and paragraphs and use interesting words.
I'd recommend explaining things a bit less. For example, the first paragraph talks about how the broom bristles fall off. This can be done in a way that's smoother to read. It's a bit like you're tripping over words when you do this. Another thing about the first paragraph, you use the word 'tirelessly' but it's clear the character is very much tired of sweeping. You have the right idea but it's a bit contradicting.
I think you rush some parts a bit. Some more fleshing out of the environment and what the character feels between moments would be good. For example the transition between the problem of sweeping and then the problem of being chased happens too fast and makes it harder to follow easily.
The part talking about her hair undoing itself also has too much information. We don't need to know why it was put up, the only important thing we need to know is the fact that it had undone itself.
The dialogue I find a bit unbelievable. It moves too fast and doesn't leave enough room for character development around the dialogue. Dialogue is much more interesting to read when it isn't just lines upon lines of talking. Also, some of the things they say seem a bit odd and unnecessary like asking if the Aram is male or female. It's not really necessary and is something that can be introduced without dialogue. It feels as if you're using the characters talking as a way to give the reader information which feels forced. I think this is an area you can improve on a lot.
I'm sure I could point out a few other things but these are the main things that jumped out to me. I hope I wasn't too harsh.
If you apply these things to other scenarios in future writing that would be good too. If you make progress I'll be happy to help out again
I think you should vary your sentence structure more. Most of the sentences seem to start with I, he, or she then a verb.
SO GOOD!! You have to keep writing that story. The amount of character development in just the prologue is amazing
It's very intriguing, and you sound like you have a good idea of what's going to happen later in the book. I like your overall writing style, and most of your sentences are well-constructed and interesting. You do have some unnecessary descriptions and a few typos, but all in all, it sounds like it has a lot of potential. You did a great job of introducing the characters and the story, so kudos to you! Can't wait to see what else you've got. :)
So this basically turned into an essay even though I mostly avoided things others have mentioned already. I apologize.
To begin with, and something no one else has addressed yet: The whole opening part is pointless. The broom, the sweeping, the unseen mother. 'Begin as close to the end as possible.'
That opening doesn't do that at all. The first interesting thing we read is 'I've been coming here to study X creature for days'. Maybe mention aching muscles from sweeping, but that should be told, not shown.
Two, don't mention her hair coming undone unless it's going to be plot-relevant, like obscuring her vision and causing her to trip. It's pointless. (There's so much pointless fluff that can be culled from this to tighten it up.) While mentioning that she's been here specifically to watch the creature, how about giving us a general description of it? Is it four-footed? Bipedal? Does it have scales or fur? Vaguely feline, or is it dragon-shaped? Remind the character of a hunting cat in its grace, or a hunting dog in its determination? Like a bear in its temper at attacking a human in its territory?
We get none of that, just that 'it's a flash' and then chasing her and we have nothing but a big black spot in our mind's eye.
The creature hisses, making my recoil.
This needs run through Grammarly, Spellcheck, and then put in a different font, upsized, and reread by YOU to catch the baseline errors.
Prologues are meant to be short and sweet and give the reader information that couldn't be gleaned from the main storyline because it happens too early or too far away or too inconveniently, they're not just a Chapter Zero.
I see no reason for this to be a prologue instead of Chapter 1.
The creature lets out a sigh, giving me chills.
"I will only tell you my name is a curse," it says.
[Personal aside, both I and my characters are unrepentant smartasses and all I can hear is Leo in the back of my mind going, "Good! All the information I need. From now on I'm calling you Fuck."]
Why is this 'high, greatest being' answering questions from an impertinent human child? Why does it seem discombobulated or out-of-sorts at all? Or is this a hint that it isn't so great? Because that would be decent foreshadowing.
Where I stand I am finally able to get a good look at the Aram
YOU'VE BEEN SPECIFICALLY OUT HERE WATCHING THIS THING FOR DAYS.
You repeatedly have one character's actions on the line where another character speaks.
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
my backyard
What time period is this? Because that is a very specific and modern terminology which is especially confusing because the opening gives the impression of a tavern wench.
Research when to write out numbers and when to use numerals. Make sure you have a good grasp on it.
My heart aches without the presence of the Aram
Why? It insulted you and demeaned you and you were actively offended by what it said.
Why were you in the forest; nothing good comes of it
Question asked without a question mark.
"Your brother, Taku, is home from school."
Unless the main character has more than one brother, this isn't how somebody would talk about someone they both know, they'd just say 'your brother' or just the brother's name. This smacks of 'As You Know, Bob'
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AsYouKnow
Mother says as she gathers kindling
SERIOUSLY WHAT TIME PERIOD ARE WE IN?
The 'prologue' (chapter) should end when the main character gets home or when she's sent in to wash vegetables. Reader-fatigue is setting in and we haven't been given a break to think about the huge revelation of talking super-creature. We've had set-up, rising action, confrontation, denouement (with the mother hugging\scolding) and it feels like it's severely dragging out at this point.
"Taku is allowed to whoever he wishes."
Allowed to WHAT whoever he wishes?
Into my fate.
This makes the previous encounter with the beast make no sense. You could have her out in the forest for two hours looking for it and still have the exact same confrontation with her parents. I would suggest making the encounter with the beast into the second chapter. (Surprise! There ARE beasts in the woods, but they're intelligent! That makes for a good reversal of expectations.)
Overall: It needs a lot of work. It's very much a first draft, though the bones of the plot are there. The world seems interesting, the execution is just very raw.