forum Please critique this one
Started by @sharkfinn_ey
tune

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Deleted user

hi i did him!

  1. "As his sister's name Meena means fish and stone, this shows even more how he's using and manipulating her." how does this show how he's using/manipulating her? "stone worker" doesn't relate much in that way to "fish stone".
  2. "lose" –> loose "sigarette" –> cigarette
  3. threathening" not really a body type. the other stuff you've put is fine - does he have a threatening demeanor? in which case it might be a mannerism. (habitual way of speaking/behaving/looking)
  4. more physical identifying marks - how would someone recognize him in a crowd or group photo?
  5. "Likes to wear 'nerdy' sweaters, those with a collar from a blouse under it." i think those are argyle vests, layered with a dress shirt/blouse.
  6. "Usually he will see these 'visions' while working out. " why? that seems so random. is it because of a heightened state of effort?
  7. "Sometimes accidentily spills random moments" do you mean he accidentally tells people about their future?
  8. "Fidgetting around with a sigarette, always looking around for exits and holding his belt; he keeps his knife in it." so is he suspicious/mistrustful? that might be a good personality or flaw detail.
  9. "Stuck in the loop." what loop
  10. "Doesn't give off warnings; gives away what he's up to." this is totally contradictory. if he doesn't give off warnings (for what), he won't give away what he's up to. it's normally one or the other, unless you mean he doesn't give off warnings for violent outbursts. also, is he reckless?
  11. any other hobbies? or whenever he gets free time just he drive around?
  12. "as a way to manipulate" who is he manipulating and why? is he good at it? that would be a talent. if he does it too much, he's manipulative, which is a flaw unless it's always for the safety of others.
  13. "Negative;
    Abusive, mostly emotional to the people close to him (Meena), but also physical when angry.
    Will ignore triggers and say hurtful things.
    As he has visions and sees frightening things he can be a bit jumpy afterwards. Doesn't trust people and even doubts himself.
    Scared to change the future, tried this once and that killed his best friend. Time and future is set in stone.
    Paranoid, control freak. Has to do things himself because 'only he will get it right'." THESE ARE ALL FLAWS!! so: doesn't trust people, mistrustful. why does he doubt himself because of what he sees? if he's paranoid and a control freak, chances are he will try to change the future. will ignore triggers/say hurtful things: on purpose? he's mean. spiteful. if he just doesn't care, he's insensitive. if he's abusive, does he have trouble finding an outlet for emotions? does he have anger issues?
  14. "morning bird" early bird lol
  15. "Gets claustrofobic when swimming in the ocean. The water surrounding him and not seeing far makes him panic and feel like he's trapped.
    Though he does love the ocean, it's depth and animals frighten him. " so claustrophobic isn't really the right way to explain it, unless he's afraid of small spaces and/or the dark. and, how can he love the ocean if he's so afraid of everything about it? does he just like the smell? sound? sight? does he just like water/swimming?
  16. "Once set a police-car on fire." why, and why is this really necessary? it's not a problem tho just wondering.
  17. "Soft blues like pacific oceans." ocean blues aren't really soft - they're deep. also there's only one pacific ocean lol
  18. "Fries with steak, medium and a beer." do you mean the steak is medium? just put a medium steak
  19. "iron skulls plated" i'm confused now too… it sounds right but a bit wrong… maybe embellished? gilded? idk.
  20. "gets in contact with Jaden and friends, orders a kill that lincoln has to do. Lin fails and he comes after them in rage because this puts him in a tight position. " i'm confused as to what this means. do you mean, he gets in contact with his friends (Jaden and Lincoln) to order them to kill someone, but they fail and he comes after them in a rage because the person being alive is a liability?
  21. "Jaden decides to end this quickly by killing him, by this is drug business collapses as well as he has no people fit to take it over." so Jaden decides to kill Mason and then Mason's drug business collapses due to no one seizing the kingpin role?
  22. more on his early life. what turned him into the person he is today?
  23. "Doesn't have a lot of belongings as he is a lot on the run. " do you mean he often runs away from home? why? why does he come back?

so that's all!
good luck and good job!

@sharkfinn_ey

Thanks for all the things you noticed! I noticed some things sounded confusing haha. I'm updating him now, but there's still a lot of work.

  1. she's a stone and he's a stoneworker name-wise.
  2. fixed it lol
  3. it's indeed demaenor, but sometimes body's look kinda threathening by itself to me.
  4. still working on those
  5. No not really those, https://nl.pinterest.com/ArtNouc/cats-whales-and-murder/mason/ more like the sweater on this/his board.
  6. visions during working out because his mind is at ease here.
  7. Sometimes accidentily spills random moments. This means he slips a few words during the vision.
  8. he's very aware of his surroundings and indeed doesn't trust the people around him.
  9. the loop is something i'm still working on but might not really include. His sister gets shot a couple of times because of him and loses her hand. He'll probably try to prevent this from happening.
  10. i used the ; to show as to why he doesn't give warnings haha, this may look confusing. He doesn't give them because they give what he's up to.
  11. so far he just drives around in free time or works out.
  12. he manipulates his sister and friends, but also people who are also in a drug business. He has a reputation for it and people warn each other about the slick ways he manipulates the deals.
  13. ignores triggers etc. because he's just a mean person and doens't care about others. has anger issues.
    He doubts himself because the visions are never clear; when or where are often left vague and this worries him about his own well-being.
  14. oops i always said morning bird haha
  15. Claustrophobic for me personally gives the same feeling, so i put that as i'm still looking for the right word. He loves to sounds mostly.
  16. I put this down as a way to remind myself that setting the car on fire with his friends may be a way in to get him into the criminal life. Still working on it :)!
  17. Thanks i'll change that as well.
  18. steak is medium in how it's made.
  19. I think it's embellished! thanks!! (words can be awfully hard right?)
  20. that person has tried to kill his sister and puts his business in danger (maybe some links to the police i'm thinking?). So it's anger and self-preservation.
  21. Yes, exactly like that, or at least for now haha.
  22. still completely figuring that out oops
  23. he usually lives in old buildings that will be torn down soon (the city is under a lot of re-construction and there are a lot of buildings being build). So he has to move around a lot, but this also keeps him under his rival's radar.

Again, thanks a lot! this brought me a lot of things to (re-)think about haha