forum Please critique our characters!

Started March 15, 2018 by Blue Duck

tune

Hola!
We are a group of writers who want some character feedback. Anything would help us!

Please bare mind that Prabjhot is unfinished, and everywhere at the moment

Thank,
-The Blue Duck Team

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Okie dokes!

It should work now

https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/358788#!

Let us know if it still doesn't work!

With Lilith I would love to learn more about her past. For example, what spiked her interest in the medical field? What was her relationship like growing up with her parents? But overall the descriptions were fantastic I can easily picture her in my mind.

With Sammy I'd love to know where her and her brothers love for music came from, what happened to her parents? How old was she when her sister left with her husband? What kind of illness does she battle? Great character though I can't wait to see what she blossoms into.

Theo has a very solid backstory though I'd be very interested in knowing what happened to his mother, I'm guessing Brenda is his sister and since his father threatens to give the family business to her there is more than likely some tension. Has he always battled her for attention? Has he always had to prove his worth to is father? How did he end up interested in music? Was his father ashamed of having a son who played the viola?

Hey I like what you do so if these helps at all then awesome haha:

• Lilith: Instead of 'mix' for her race maybe putting Biracial would be better? Just a thought.
  The mannerisms aren't finished, and what do you mean by she turns into a turtle?
  From her flaws she sounds like an over thinker, same haha.
  For religion, even none has a name. I mean, if she doesn't particularly care or she isn't completely sure, then she would be agnostic. If she doesn't believe in god, then she's athiest.
  I think that's all I can add for her haha, sorry, but she has been developed very well.
• Prabhjot: Very good idea with the hair style, but maybe describe it in more detail?
  Asian, but could you be more specific? Same with Lilith.
  Besides that, awesome!
• Samantha: spelling mistake on gender.
  What's the shape of her birthmark?
  More motivations maybe?
• Theodore: since his motivation is to impress his father, yet he does all of these 'chaotic' things, I think it would be more specific to say that he wants his father's attention more than his pride.
  Besides that, love him haha

Alright let's do this imightnotdoallofthemimsorry update i did all of em

Lilith- @ talents that's a mood okay so why is she agnostic? Has she always been agnostic or did she grow up in a religious home? Also this isn't particularly necessary, but politics can often be general and play into how someone might view a small group of friends. I've also got a character who isn't affected by politics, much less is aware of it but it's easy to guess her political stance based on her personality. Just to make it extra detailed; why is forest green her favorite color? Same goes with all the favorites; just answer why and boom an even more fleshed out character! also do you have a year with her birthday or are u still working on what year the story is set bc i relate,, also, the opening sentence in her bio is confusing but that might just be my inability to read it properly!:))) Why couldn't her parents handle her anymore? Were her parents incapable or was she too much? (or both lmao) and this is minor,,,,it's not like you've already mentioned it, but hey she went to university at 16! that sounds stressful so that might have an effect on her (unless she really is organized and smart, and a machine at work, maybe im just easily stressed hAHa,,,) cool that's all i can think of good job i love this girl

Prabhjot- that nickname is amazing also ayE it might help to just explain the hair (you can keep the percy jackson though,,,,n i c e) but also what kind of blue does he have? sky blue, greenish blue, deep blue, etc.? @ motivations wow i relate but it might help to add a few more motivations haha, along with the talents (which,,,,dang that's a lot of cookies in just 30 seconds) obviously the nature tab is lacking enough as it is, so just make sure to fill in them all! along with adding a few more hobbies, but hey Yoga is quite a good hobby. Also what brought him to his religion? did someone introduce it to him, did he find it on his own, was he raised in a home of that religion, why did he decide to believe/keep believing this religion? Also it might be neato to explain why he's a baker! Is this another family thing? What made him interested in baking? Also don't forget to flesh out this boi by adding a reason to all the favorites! Obviously the bio is missing so i understand he's under construction haha alrighty very nice gr8 character!

Samantha- Good to make her weight average! But it helps to specify what her weight is. What shade of grey eyes does she have? I don't quite understand the "Puts feet table" mannerism, but again that might just be me lmao, and she should have a few more motivations! And maybe a few more flaws or reasons why those are her flaws, and ofc to create a personality for her haha. if she has no religion, that would make her either agnostic or atheist. Why is she non-religious? @ politics hey same but again it might help to still specify how she would lead a group of her own, (Tip: religion can play into one's political beliefs). And when filling out the favorites, ask yourself, "why?" and then answer it with the favorites. And with the bio, idk if it's just me, but i don't think a doctor would say "nothing's wrong, it's probably just asthma" it's either "nothing's wrong" or "it's probably asthma" and give her an inhaler to use. (but then again some doctors are >:( so) nonetheless i love the character! whatta cutie

Theodore- @ prejudices LMAO waY to call names i love it also add a few more motivations (unless impossible, those are really good motivations so i understand.) and maybe some minor flaws? and also add and flesh out his character more! he seems very interesting it'd be nice to know some little things bout this boi. also,,,believing in satan is having a religion haha, and again answer 'why' to all the favorites. why didn't his father like pets? and especially dogs? also boi i sure hope prabby is a capable therapist LmaO

alrighty i love these characters and the universe they each set up separately! very nice i wish u good luck on developing them

@blue Duck,
I love you characters and they are very interesting and I can't wait to see what you end up doing with them.
Some concerns I have though are:

Samantha

• How is her current state?
• Do they know how long she will live?
• Does she only have one motivation? Is there anything she wants todo before she dies?

Lilith

• Why did her adoptive parents take her in? Just because?
• How did she learn her many languages?
• Does she only have one prejudice?
• Who is this "team" that is mentioned?

Prabjhot

• Like Percy Jackson movie or book? (The book is WAY better.)
• How does the body type have to deal with a characteristic?
• Why is his only motivation cookies?
• Does he have any other hobbies?
• What about his personality and flaws?
• What about his mannerisms?
• Does he have a item possesion?
• Without a history it is very hard to know and critique this character.

Theodore

• Is there a story behind him being afraid of ducks? Will that play into a story?
• Does he wish for something other then his father's position?
• Why is Brenda hated?
• Why does he have trouble adapting? Will this play a role later on?
• Why does he have the tattoo and why on his neck?

Overall, these characters were amazing and i look forward to what they will turn into and how they will play a part in whatever they are being used for.
Great job on them and I wish you luck!

@TheMusicalVampire
Your critiquing is very appreciated, we would like to clear some things up
Mainly the fact that you asked what the team was and by that we mean all of the created characters.
As well with Prabby, his hair is book style (because the book is better)
Sammy doesn't know how long she has to live, but not very long
We want to keep the mystery alive regarding Theo's fear. If you have ever read TMI or TID, think Herondale fear. Brenda is respectively a female dog (I don't like to swear).

Thank you so much!

-The Blue Duck Team

@blue Duck
That makes a lot more sense. Thank you!

I am so sad.
I had typed up a huge thing for each character, talking about strengths and weaknesses, and I was super proud. But, unfortunately, for some reason, it didn't send. So this will be my SECOND time critiquing these characters. So I may come off as a little rude and/or short with some of the characters. Just know, I don't mean to sound rude, and I honestly think these characters could develop into something amazing. Now, onto the show.

General: All of these characters are relatively unique to each other, so putting them into and story and having them interact would probably work well. However, they are all a bit cliche so watch out for that. However, there is one serious concern I have about these characters. They are all severely underweight! I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't know what you envision healthy human is when only one of them even cracks 200. That's not also the worst of it; they are obviously some sort of agents that do missions right? So naturally They would be fit and able to fight and run, so they should be even heavier because muscle weighs more than fat! All of these characters are unhealthy stereotypes, which in real life would be malnourished and underweight. Maybe you could get it to work with Samantha because she is sick, but still, not cool.

Samantha: Hmm… This is a fascinating character. Inetavable death and coming to terms with one's own mortality can provide excellent character growth. However, While I feel like her background is spot on, I feel like her character traits and motivations are very… Strange, to say the least. While being super energetic, i.e. living life to it's fullest is a great, if not a little cliche way for a dying character to be likeable, it does pose some problems. The entire character could suffer from Chekhov's gun, which is the idea that if something is introduced into the story, it must serve a purpose and come up later. The reason I bring this up is that of Samantha's illness. I have a strong suspicion that the disease will be brought up multiple times in the story, and if she does not die, or get close to death, because of the illness, it will just feel like a cheap literary device used to make people like the character. Now I'm not saying to kill her off; I'm suggesting to at least have the disease make an appearance. She gets bedridden, starts getting a lot weaker, etc. The only problem with this is that being bedridden or weak will not mesh well with eh character you have fleshed out. So really think about how she works into your plot, and possibly rework her personality.

Lilith: Yes, Lilith. Lilith is quite possibly the character with the most potential. She has the start of a character that can become a fantastic part of the story. However, a lot of things really need to change. For instance, she eats when she get's stressed, but when she starts working she forgets to eat? That doesn't make sense, get rid of the stress eating. And from the character you designed, she should be a lot tougher. Actual people who have suffered the same things she has are often harder and stronger. So the getting attached thing would never work in a real story. Maybe for cheap rp's, you could get it to work, but in a story it would be so much better for her to push people away, to not trust them. Also, I don't like that she wants to help Samantha with her pranks. She seems very no-nonsense, and Realistically she would be indifferent. Much like how you put she is in politics. And I know that I'm talking alot about realism, but making a character that has a personality that is believable, and relatable, makes them feel more real, and more fleshed out, instead of being 2D. The Youngest, but most mature is a common trope but will work well for the character. And I like the motivation for being a doctor; she wants to save people, medicine makes sense to her, it's a simple cause and effect reaction. But either that cousin needs to be super close to her, like the only person she trusted, or you need to find a different close friend or family member to die. And why would she be afraid of going into debt? She got herself into medical school, without ANY help, she is driven and understand what she needs to do. The final thing is her favourite possession, the glass dog. This is beautiful, and honestly just a stroke of brilliance. Her adopted mother, who she doesn't trust, gave her her most prized possession. I feel like a great moment, would be that throughout the book she keeps the dog hidden, in a drawer in her desk, her pocket. But by the end of the book or series, she has learned to trust a little bit more, and now displays the dog in clear view. I know it sounds like I am just hating on this character trying to change everything about them, but it's just because I feel like Lilith has the most potential of any of the characters. Her details are secure, an A grade for sure. But the core aspects of her personality do not mesh well with… anything else about her. I know you're probably very proud of this character, and you should be. But don't let pride blind you to creating a better character. Right now, she has no direction and feels very thrown together. But you have the start of something great.

Prabjhot: I will not be doing this character. As someone that is Asian myself, I take serious offence from this character. Like, really? He has a mole on his cheek; he's called crabby prabby, he does yoga, he loves ramen, and he has a freaking pet octopus?!? Might as well rename him token Asian guy! But, he is in development, so all of this could mean nothing if you flesh him out well enough, or intigrate the steriotypes into the story as a sort of joke.

Theodore: A little… ok A LOT cliche. Like, everything about this guy just screams edgy. Tons of scars? Check. Quick to anger? Check. Cocky? Check. Wants to prove that he's the best? Check. And what is the deal with his flaws? Why does he have so many, is he even a functioning member of society? Look, I'm sorry If I'm coming off as a little mean because in truth he isn't that bad of a character. Just, dial down on EVERYTHING about him. If you're going to use the duck thing as some humour to lighten the mood in the book, keep that, but for the other flaws, cut that list at least in half. The easily angered is ok, but throw out cocky, unless you trash the "hating people that don't care" thing. And his favourite animal is the shark? Like, really? If you want the shark to be his favourite, then you have to be waaaay more specific. Say Bull shark because it's aggression, Make because of it's adaptability, Thresher because of its tail it can use as a stunning weapon, Hammerhead because they always have info about their surrounding because of their excellent vision and tracking abilities. And why are you making him seem so confident and smart with his description, and then saying he's terrible at heists. Either make it, so he's always been the underdog, or he's always been the best. Pick a lane PLEASE.

Anyway, that is my critique of the character, hope it helps, and hope it wasn't too rude, sorry, I'm a little done after typing it again.

I'm gonna provide links to sites that might help you.

Henry Jack Toben
Overview
How does he support Sam?

Looks
Is his hair naturally straight or curly? Just wondering. Do strands stick out of the bun in a messy sort of way? Are there any hair groupings that didn't get into the bun because they weren't long enough? How 'well built' is he? It's fine to keep that vague in the story itself, but might be a good idea for you to know exactly what he looks like. Is the birthmark shaped like anything?

Nature
This entire section could use more. What other mannerisms, motivations, flaws, talents,and hobbies does he have? Build off of them, and give examples (not really needed, but it helps).

Social
From Favorite Color to Favorite Animal can be further explained. Explain why for these.

History
Looks pretty bare-bones here.

James Tenni
Everything but his Looks and Notes sections look good. The looks can be built up more. As for the notes, I have to ask how he is forced into doing bad things.

Lilith Galen
I'm first gonna say that, as a fan of Supernatural, I love her first name!
Looks
According to https://www.rush.edu/health-wellness/quick-guides/what-is-a-healthy-weight her height and weight are accurate for a person of her size. I feel that you could possibly describe her skin tone better with the use of the following site: http://writingwithcolor.tumblr.com/post/96830966357/writing-with-color-description-guide-words-for As for her body type, I have to ask just how athletic she looks. Is she toned, or a bit more masculine? How'd she get her scar?

Nature
The fact that she stress-eats is nice. Considering her body type, it seems inconsistent that she normally wouldn't work out/exercise. Are there any other ways that she acts childish? So, if she becomes introverted when sad, how is she when she isn't sad? Is she normally upbeat? Taking a look at her personality type and taking this into consideration, I think that it would be nice to add in that she's an ambivert (a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features) to her personality type. Explain how she is ambiverted.
Her motivations seem somewhat solid. Is there anything else that motivates her? Lilith's flaws look decent, yet could benefit from some elaboration. Why would she look for reasons to be stressed out about things? Other than moral support, how else would Lillith be dependent on others? What other talents does she have?

Social
Why is she agnostic? Why does she like noodles/noodle dishes? What kind of artillery, and why? Why does she prefer that over guns? Why is her favorite animal a bunny?

History
Lilith's education and parts of her background are important, and should be noted. That being said, I do have to ask what the other reasons she chose to study medicine are? Did she take an early interest into the subject matter at a young age, often playing doctor to her stuffed animals and others as a child?

Prabhjot Charles-Grigg Jordan
Looks
His hair style, race, skin tone, and body type need to be elaborated upon.
Nature
The entire section needs to be elaborated/added on.
Social
Explain what his religion is,for not everyone knows what that is.

Samantha Hailey Toben
Looks
The average healthy weight for a woman of Sam'sage and height is 131-135 pounds, so place her weight some where around these numbers.

Social
Is she agnostic? Why?
History
Her past looks grim, and I feel sorry for her. You could add 'to live life to the fullest' as one of her motivations due to her not knowing how long she'll be alive, and say that she is reckless with her choices and actions as a resulting flaw. Maybe even have her be overly attached to people due to losing her father.

Theodore Licata
Looks
You could even describe his body type as 'lean'.
Nature
Add that he's cocky as a flaw…. In what ways his he cocky?

*Helpful Sites
1: https://www.rush.edu/health-wellness/quick-guides/what-is-a-healthy-weight
2: http://writingwithcolor.tumblr.com/post/96830966357/writing-with-color-description-guide-words-for
I couldn't really find anything for hair styles and body types, yet I can and will suggest using pinterest for this.

Lilith

• Is her hair naturally wavy or does she use something on it?
• Does she have any talents other than eating fast and reading fast?
  • Examples: athletic skills, intelligence skills, technology or engineering skills?
• What's she like when she's all by herself? Does she act differently or do different things than when she's with other people?
• What year was she born?
• Does she have a middle name?

---

Prabhjot

• Does he have other flaws besides "too chill"? or is he just Mr Perfection?
• Does he consider Octavian as a possession or a friend/pet? Because it's under both.
• What makes him want to be a baker? Is he any good? Does he have secret passions or desires? Who is he?

---

Samantha

• Is there a more specific number to her weight or is it kinda self explanatory?
• Are her highlights lighter brown or blonde or what?
• *Shoulderlength (you spelt it wrong sorry)
• Is her hair naturally wavy? Does she ever do anything else with it or is it always one way?
• I think flexible toes would go under identifying marks
• What's the birthmark of? How big is it? Do people notice it when she wears flip flops?
• Is she had any weapon to choose from what would it be?
• what does she do with her life that makes it worthwhile until her inevitable death?

---

Theodore

• Does he keep his hair up in a ponytail or down, or something different?
• I like how he's afraid of ducks
• I don't have much to critisize him about he's really well made

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I have a couple other things that are kind of general.

1. Why are the guys so tall? I don't know a lot of men that tall, or I know a lot of men about 5'7 to 6'0 but not usually higher
2. Everyone seems to be really fit with no explanation
3. What years were these people born?
4. Not a lot of flaws, not a lot of specific motivations

Other than all that, I love these characters! Keep working on them!