I would love some critiques on my girls and hopefully, they're not too bad. You also don't have to critique all of them, just do as many as you'd like! Thank you in advance!
Ayana: Ayana {Baker} Bowyer
Fjola: Fjola
Jasmine: Jasmine {Whitbread} Granger
Karla: Karla Smith-Bowyer
Lily: Lily {Trueman} Bowyer
Talia: Talia Swift
OKAY! cracks knuckles I'LL GIVE THIS A SHOT! From top to bottom!
Ayana: Wow, she's really young for the main character! That's interesting! Is she skinny or boney? Since she's 7 I imagine she's still a bit pudgy. Also I think the word you're looking for with her eyes is Heterochromia! Maybe elaborate more on why being tender-hearted is a flaw. Also, being the main character add more details into her personality! An idea for a favorite possession could be like a stuffed animal or something, or even a blanket or doll! Try to think of what was important for you as a child! Oh my gosh… her backstory's so sad… That would really leave some trauma with her, so maybe add that into her character, like flinching when someone raises their voice or when they come at her a little too quick. What if she talked to her reflection in the mirror like it was Opal, cause they were twins- OH GOSH THAT'S SO SAD!!
Fjola: Ohhh wait, is Ayana not the main MAIN character? If not maybe use secondary protagonist for them and protagonist for the main MAIN character just to clear things up. Very ticklish is more of a personality trait/flaw in my opinion than a mannerism, same with won't hurt any animal, but the rest are good! What kind of dancing? Is she too shy to do it around others or does she like an audience? And just like Ayana, add some more details into personality and flaws! It'll make that character feel more real! Since she's older, she probably does have some political views, so maybe think about that! Also, even if she may not have like a real job, how does she make money or get food? Now background! Why did she forgive the Dark Being just like that? Is there a reason, or does she just have a forgiving nature? Did he/she/it ask for forgiveness? What was she doing when the Dark Being was defeated? More details in her backstory will make it easier to understand her!
Jasmine: Wooh! Character number 3! Does Hunter only call her sweetheart? Maybe write "sweetheart and other endearing pet names" or something. Since he's her husband I'm guessing he uses Babe, Honey, Sweet, Love, ect. as well (but that's just really nitpicky). Also maybe put "Mom" in there, since she has a kid! Dirty blond may be more the word you're looking for with her hair, and, once again, more details with personality! Just like Fjola, she probably does have political views and an occupation, even if it's just a housewife or something! Maybe her favorite possession could be her wedding ring, or something else with sentimental value! Did she knew who Hunter was when she saw him, or was it love at first sight and they just needed to meet! All in all, maybe just make her background a little bit more clear!
Whew… I've got to go now but I'll be back for the rest!
@ThiaL
Thank you so much!!
I went back through and fixed what I thought I could and the rest I'll address.
Ayana: She's more on the skinny side! She was pretty boney in her old home though. The reason I feel she wouldn't have anything is she didn't back at her old home. She only really cared about her twin and Mom. I also added her being jumpy when people shout and her talking to her reflection, thank you for those ideas!
Fjola: It's ballet! She'll dance whenever really. She lives in the wild, like a remote area, so she gardens and looks for food. (I added kinda what some of her home looks like in the gallery if you wish to see it) She's just really forgiving and knows that hating them won't bring back her race.
Jasmine: It was love at first sight! If you don't mind me asking, is there anything specific in the background?
I do hope you critique the other 3, it really helps!
No problem! Glad I could help! I'll happily help with the others! Some details in Jasmine's background you could add are: do they talk about Ollie's death with their daughter? Or do they barely mention him at all? Since they pretended her strange white-patch wasn't there, I'm guessing they still really loved their daughter and didn't want to actually believe she'd bring the end of the world, but as she grew older they started becoming more and more scared of her?? That's a part you could clear up! And the part where she meets Hunter, since she didn't know who he was, maybe write is as, "She did but see a boy off lazing about and waved at him," and don't refer to him by name until she learns his name is Hunter! It'll be easier to understand what she knows and doesn't know if you reveal information to the reader as she learns it, and explain how she felt about at the time! And it'll also be good for you because it'll help you know your character even better! Hope that makes sense??
But now to Karla!
Karla: Why does she not like the name Kary? Also, what do mean by Skinny-Fat? Wow, a red-head with tan skin! The lucky-duck! As a ginger myself, most of us have super pale skin, that never tans just turn bright pink so we look like a piece of bubble gum all summer. But back to critiquing! Now, the Before-she-got-her-scars thing, I don't really feel it's needed unless something dramatically changes for her, otherwise it's a bit repetitive. Or you could write it as, "Pessimistic, bad temper when someone speaks ill of her daughters, enervated, used to be very loquacious, but ever since receiving her scars acts distant, and is hostile when people ask about her scars." Annnnd just like the other three, add some more personality traits and flaws! Maybe add where she got her scars…? I don't see it in her background?
Lily: What does "slight" mean? And "Always wants to be physically close to someone" is more of a personality trait than a mannerism. Feel bad saying this with every character, but more personality/flaw traits! She's got to have some talents! Maybe calming down Ayana when she's upset? Or is the best at tag? Doesn't have to be anything exciting! What happened to her eyes? How old was she when that happened? Make sure you add that into her background! And like Ayana, she had something really sad happen to her as a child, so no doubt that'll affect her as she grows. She literally saw her mother completely break, stop caring to the point of giving up her only child for adoption. Because of this, perhaps whenever Karla acts slightly sad she completely freaks and begins to worry that she'll give her up again, just like Ivory did. Or, she could barely let Ayana or Tristan out of her sight because she's worried they might randomly die like her brothers and father did. Also, seeing as Karla adopted two very traumatized kids, it might be interesting to see how she reacts or parents them. Does her heart break the first time she sees Ayana talk to her reflection? Does she constantly put on a fake smile so Lily doesn't worry? Stuff like that will make the family seem real!
I have to go again but I'll be back for THE LAST CHARACTER!!
@ThiaL
Thank you again! I fixed Jasmine up. It's hard for me just to look at something and know what I need to correct so telling me some things helps a lot!
Before I get into the specifics for Karla and Lily, the way they got their scars is going to be explained in the story I'm writing and it starts almost right after they get them. Also, I know all of my characters could use more personality traits but most come as I write them so I add them I as go! If you wanna know how they got their scars, I could tell you, as I have no idea when I'll be finished writing the story and actually making it into a comic. Also, those last things you were saying about how Karla, Lily, and Ayana would act, I'm definitely putting some scenes like that in the story!
Karla: I fixed that, now it's just a nickname. It means she looks skinny but hides some fat. With her, it's around her stomach (I added that beside of it). I'm going to leave that for now because for some reason just I need to have it organized like that. I don't really know why but I can't write it any other way.
Lily: Slight means thin, not very tall, and not looking very strong (I added that beside of it). I changed that to "Holds on to people she knows" so hopefully that sounds better! I put her talent as being able to calm Ayana down.
Again, thank you!
If you wanna critique my other characters, just let me know. And I'm not making you! Only if you want to.