@Divine-Irish-Potato Okay, here it goes:
DOC ONE:
Okay, when I read the first part of the page I was confused what was going on. You didn't describe when people came in, when they did anything, they just talked. It also moves very, very fast. It also doesn't have the smoothest flow when you say what each character looks like without pairing an action with it. Like instead of saying, “You rang?” Lucifer asked. Lucifer looked like a cliche blonde busty secretary from a porno. It made sense; Evil is attractive." Try
“You rang?” Lucifer asked. She twirled her blonde curls, bored. Bored was a good look on her. Every look was. It made sense; Evil is attractive. "
I like how you used the God and Lucifer characters and used it to your advantage, like I thought it was hysterical when they said;
“Goddammit.”
“I’m right here.”
Its good to have humor in stories like this.
Also, I applaud you for this line. Its amazing XD
“Don’t call me Lucifer. You let your son die one of the worst deaths in history, and my daughter is the literal Antichrist.”
There is a LOT of dialogue. Though its good dialogue, I have a hard time envisioning whats happening because of the lack of description.
"As God and Satan were walking down Main Street, New York, Azrael appeared."
I have a couple of questions about this. First of all, are they in some sort of disguise or something? Why are they there? Why are they together? Who even is Azrael? Instead of jumping headfirst back into the dialogue, slow down and try to explain the scene.
“I can’t eat.”
“Why?”
“Because that would be like killing my creations.”
“Oh please, you’ve killed a lot of your creations before. Besides, everything’s fake nowadays.” And so they went to go grab some burgers.
This paragraph is GOLDEN. But your kind of just telling the story from a distance. That's not what readers want to see. They want to know; What happened while God and Satan went to get burgers?
Also, this line:
“Hello, Master,” The Summoner said. The Summoner was a woman.
Should probably change. Its not a big deal that shes a woman, so you don't have to announce it. It kind of throws the reader off track of the main point.
This might work better:
“Hello, Master,” She said.
Simple and still informational. Chef's kiss
After that, I'm kind of lost. I'm not exactly sure what I'm reading.
“That's not important. Here, have a giant eyeball with a mouth that’s perpetually screaming.” Vozreal snapped his fingers. The eyeball with a mouth appeared. The eyeball’s mouth was part of the eyeball itself. It was roaring like it was in pain.
I read that over and over and over again and my whole brain was screaming, WHAAAAAAT? Try to clear things up a little bit.
Chapter 4: Back to Narrator
That title is kind off… I dont know, obvious? Saying "Back to Narrator" is kind of messy. You can do better than that.
Okay! Time for doc 2!
I was walking to class when Madison walked up to me. We talked for a bit. That night, I had a dream. In the dream, there was a woman in a dark room. In the room, was a pentagram. She was trying to summon someone or something.
Okay, okay, slow it down, girl! I've been reading for 2 seconds and a whole day has already passed.
“Hi, my name’s Faith. You probably don’t know me too well, but I have a major crush on you. Wanna go out with me?” she hesitated.
“Sure. I’m going swimming in a minute. Wanna join?” I remarked.
“Cool.”
1st of all: What thoughts are going through Allison's head? Does she mind being asked out by another girl?
2nd of all: WHYYYYYYYYY? Her just saying "sure" is like the last thing someone would actually say. Its as if shes just brushing off the fact she just got herself a date.
3nd of all: Did they send each other some kind of telepathic message of WHERE they are going? Like they just know where and when the date is going to be. Thats a little freaky.
“This is my girlfriend,” I commented.
JUST BC SHE ASKED YOU OUT DOES NOT MEAN YOUR OFFICAL! Sorry, I'm a little tired right now its one in the morning uwu
*“Cool. MADISON! MAX! FAITH!” I shouted. They came over to us.
“Tell us,” we said to Chris.
“Okay! I’m… I’m—” He fretted.
“Gay? We know.” He sounded relieved.
“How did y’all know?”
“The way you act.”
“Oh.”* That. Went. Fast. I mean, dont get me wrong, Its cool about how all his friends are supportive, but its still really wied how they just straight up call him gay even though they dont even know what he was going to say. Also, are all the characters freaking lesbos and gays? I mean I love all LGBT+ peeps, being asexual myself, but not everyone should be gay... *I was going down to Hell itself to have a chat with War & Death. They’re nice people if you don’t anger them. I can’t go there by myself. I mean, I could, but I’d become a corrupted Halman. A Halman is a half-angel, half-mortal hybrid. But, I can go down there with a Horman or a Demgel. * That. Also. Went. Fast. One second she was splashing her friends with water the next she was on her way to meet a demon. Readers need some time to process that, if ya know what I mean. One week later, I was walking in the mall, when I bumped into Death.
“Hi,” I said. Wow, okay. So your going to waltz in and bump into death and then just say HI??? What kind of crazy world is this? What I really don't get is that everyone thinks its so normal to have a conversation with DEATH. (PS. I hope what Im saying doesnt sound rude or offense you. Its one in the morning and I'm halucinating a lil bit) Im going to stop right there because I read the rest and all I can say is im really confused. I hope this was helpful :D!
