Hi lovely writers!
I've been working on my main character's page, trying to get him believable, likeable and ready for the story. :) I would really appreciate some outside thoughts on how Ben is as a whole. It's another mountain of words, so I apologise in advance.
Overview:
-I like the thought you put into his name!
Looks:
-Really good, I have no critique.
Nature:
-The mannerisms that you have are great, but you could add some more. What does he do when he's (insert emotion here)? What are his tells?
-For prejudices, is magic illegal in your world? If so, then anyone who uses magic is breaking the law. Maybe expand this to "all magic is dangerous/unnatural and shouldn't exist."
-What kind of "unusual problems" are you referring to, and exactly what skill does he have that allows him to solve them? (Lateral thinking, critical thinking, etc.)
-He has magic powers but is anti-magic… interesting.
Social:
-Why does he only follow his parents' religion for tradition's sake? Is he questioning his beliefs or does he just not feel that strongly about it?
-"Despite his mother's urging to make a bar of soap his closest companion" :)
History:
-This is really good!
Ben's a believable, interesting, and relatable character. You did a fantastic job developing him, and I would say that he's ready to star in your story.
-The mannerisms that you have are great, but you could add some more. What does he do when he's (insert emotion here)? What are his tells?
Thank you! That's a good idea. I've added a few more mannerisms directly related to his emotions.
-For prejudices, is magic illegal in your world? If so, then anyone who uses magic is breaking the law. Maybe expand this to "all magic is dangerous/unnatural and shouldn't exist."
Yes, magic is illegal (going on about 16 years), and that's a good point. It's hardly a prejudice if it's a fact.
-Why does he only follow his parents' religion for tradition's sake? Is he questioning his beliefs or does he just not feel that strongly about it?
I actually hadn't considered that, but on closer thought I think he's questioning his/his parents beliefs. I've updated his page to reflect this.
-This is really good!
Ben's a believable, interesting, and relatable character. You did a fantastic job developing him, and I would say that he's ready to star in your story.
Thank you! My last few main characters (from oooooolllllddd stories) were a bit flat and all introverted passive types, and I really wanted to write from a more rounded perspective than that this time. :)
I really like your ideas. My only issue was when I was reading I kept getting hung up on names. I tend to avoid long names now because of this, but I don't see why it couldn't work. I think introducing a pronunciation guide would be good for some of the longer names. I am not sure but I slow down really hard on Bennadan Othanban and almost thought is to be Othanaban at first. Seems to roll better. Is it Benn ah dan or Benn ah dawn? Curious as to how that would sound. :)
I want to know more about magic and its relation to the headaches. I look forward to reading this. Also I like how you put him in direct conflict with magic and his opinion and use of. That if handled really well in story will provide for some amazing drama and conflict. :) Great job, I can't really think of anything else, I would have to see more and the over all piece and the world to get a better grasp on how to provide more feedback.
I took a look at your magic system soul and spirit being the same in our world and connotation I am curious how they would be differently defined in exisitance. This could provide an issue down the road since the names are similar and the reader may mix them up if not defined well. You have your abilities well linked and defined but what are the planes themselves? Are they definable as in touchable, seeable, or visitable? Or is this something that isn't understood and just known.
I really like your ideas. My only issue was when I was reading I kept getting hung up on names. I tend to avoid long names now because of this, but I don't see why it couldn't work. I think introducing a pronunciation guide would be good for some of the longer names. I am not sure but I slow down really hard on Bennadan Othanban and almost thought is to be Othanaban at first. Seems to roll better. Is it Benn ah dan or Benn ah dawn? Curious as to how that would sound. :)
A few of my characters have long names in their pages, but in the story those will rarely be used and they'll be called Ben, Ghil, Queen Amiri, etc., or "Bennadan, son of Othan" as opposed to using the non-English version of last names. I will definitely include a pronunciation guide in the book. Do you think a link to one would be helpful in my character pages?
I actually agree with you on adding the extra syllable to Othanban, and as a matter of fact that would make last names fit better within the stress-pattern of my language, so that might be something I'll implement across the board.
It's benn-ah-DAHN, with the -dan like the Han in Han Solo. :)
I took a look at your magic system soul and spirit being the same in our world and connotation I am curious how they would be differently defined in existence. This could provide an issue down the road since the names are similar and the reader may mix them up if not defined well. You have your abilities well linked and defined but what are the planes themselves? Are they definable as in touchable, seeable, or visitable? Or is this something that isn't understood and just known.
While I have all the theoretical laid out in the magic page, I doubt much of that will be explicitly stated in-story. It's mainly so that I have consistency when I write about characters using magic. The realms are kind of… coexisting, all in the same place at the same time. (The way philosophers in-world describe it is as three layers of the same garment, with people/animals/plants/etc. like embroidery on the cloth, with threads travelling through all three layers - but I'm not going to have my characters theorise about this.) These realms can be experienced with the senses, but most people have all their senses 'shut off' to the soul realm, bar one (for users of Light magic, it's sight, for Dream magic, it's sound, etc.).
For some reason I've grown up with spirit and soul having discrete definitions, but I just looked them up and whoa, like you said, they're basically synonyms. I might need to rename the 'middle' realm where magic comes from, especially if I do end up mentioning it in-story.
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate you taking the time to look over my work and tell me your thoughts. :)
A few of my characters have long names in their pages, but in the story those will rarely be used and they'll be called Ben, Ghil, Queen Amiri, etc., or "Bennadan, son of Othan" as opposed to using the non-English version of last names. I will definitely include a pronunciation guide in the book. Do you think a link to one would be helpful in my character pages?
Can't hurt.
Glad you liked my advice and that it help. Thumbs up Looking forward to hearing more about this!