forum Let Me Critique Your Characters
Started by @indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog
tune

people_alt 5 followers

@indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog

OK I CAN DO THIS NOW.

Geneva Watson
https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/602666#!

a quick heads up is much of this comes down to straight up preference for me; you're in no way obligated to take my advice, and i will give a summary at the end

Hair colour: "natural red" has too many implications, I would suggest looking up a colour palette to match it better. Otherwise, many people will consider many different shades of "red" to be the natural shade. In hair style, I would also suggest making note of the texture of her hair; coarse, thin, curly, straight. If curly, is it tight ringlets or large curls? Does it mat? Does she have frizzy hair, or is it generally unfrizzed?

Identifying marks: That's not what that category is for; that's where you would want to list things like scars and birthmarks, abnormal freckles, skin discoloration, etc.

Flaws: This is a personal criticism, but don't simply list flaws. Elaborate on them. For example, you call her self-centered. How does that relate to her actions? Is being rude actually a flaw? From my point of view, you found a bunch of negative words and slapped them down. To add some dimension to your character, elaborate on at least a couple of those - particularly the most defining. Flaws are defined by how they alter a personality. Flaw does not equate to negative character trait. For example, she may be vengeful; does that make her careless? Then it's a flaw. If she is still careful and that desire for vengeance does not cloud her judgement, then why do you consider it a flaw?

Prejudice: prejudice =/= dislike. a prejudice is usually something like racial bias, or a bias against someone's circumstances; being disgusted/displeased with people who drink & drive or text and drive isn't really a prejudice. id suggest you either rename the prejudice category to 'dislikes' or make another category for dislikes and move the drivers part to that.

personality type: this should be the bulk of your character tbh, along with personal history. what you give is a very basic idea of her personality; what i understand is 'damaged girl wants revenge on best friend's killer, but is secretly a nice person' which is… horribly generic, if i'm going to be totally honest. her personality lacks any depth and sounds more like a plot device. unfortunately, this is a skill that comes with practice. my suggestion is to find a character trait list, pick out from it, think on how it relates to your character. it'll go a mile in making geneva seem so much deeper and more complicated as a character.

favourite food: i wanna try artichoke hears now thanks for that

education: what degree did she get?

tldr time
so what you've started with is very good; from my point of view, knowing nothing about your story, i have a very basic understanding of geneva. i understand that she is a brash but rude person, i understand she has some underlying trauma, and that's… about where it ends. what you have so far is a very good starting point, but some things i would like to stress:

1) there's no way she's a lawyer with college level education, especially if this story is taking place in a country such as the U.S. or in europe.
2) her personality requires much more detail, whether from points you've ommitted or simply elaborating on statements. if she's still a fairly fresh character, then i understand why there isn't much substance yet. if you're still working some details out, simply hold off on this point until you've solidified more of her character; if what you have is a starting point, then it's very good.
3) rationalize your statements; it goes a mile in adding to the depth of a character.

@indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog

Arthur
https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/526815#!

right off the bat: is there a reason he does not have a surname?

hair style: is his hair thick, thin, straggly, straight, etc? Add more description than 'combed to the side' to add a bit more depth to his hair

eye colour: THIS IS REALLY COOL AND I LOVE THAT IDEA IT'S SUPER NEAT.

skin tone: 'medium' is probably not what you're wanting to use. i suggest looking up a skin tone chart and picking from there.

body type: 'weak looking' = frail (or "frail in appearance"), thin arms/legs is usually lithe (which is "sleek skinny") or lanky (usually "tall skinny" or "disproportionately skinny")

mannerisms: "always has a smirk on so you can't tell if what mood he's in" watch that grammar. "when mad he talks in a low weird voice" try to avoid the use of 'weird' because of how vague it is. other possible words are 'husky', 'breathy', 'flat', 'dead' (similar to flat), gruff (similar to husky), guttural, hoarse, etc. low weird voice is much too vague in my opinion

motivations: 'the truth' ??????????????????????????????????????? wot. if this is a plot-related thing, ignore my series of question marks.

flaws: 'can get angry easily' this is a dichotomy; he CAN get angry easily, but he can get angry EASILY. one or the other. youre either quick to anger, or you aren't. if you're quick to anger in a specific situation, define it. 'quick to anger when talking about politics', as an example

prejudices: just say 'control freaks', we'll get what you mean

personality type: look up a personality chart and add some substance to that. personality type should give you a very good idea of how that character is; think of it like a mini essay. what you have is very barebones, and you need to elaborate.

tldr time
I REALLY LOVE THE CONCEPT OF FLOWER EYES. i don't have much to criticise other than your massive lack of personality tacked onto this poor child. add sustenance to his character. and give him a surname, unless there is a reason he doesn't have one.

@indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog

Elsie Pendle

i have a character named elsie and i ABSOLUTELY ADORE THAT NAME.

hair style: what kind of bangs does she have?

eye colour: sclera is the plural term, not scleras. just a small pet peeve of mine

body type: consider using slightly more descriptive terms than slender and underweight. lithe and lanky are two of my favourite, though lithe most likely works better for you. also consider where she may be extra thin or have a bit of extra weight. bigger thighs, bigger hips (are her hips wide?), broad shoulders, large hands/feet, etc.

identifying marks: only because i absolutely love characters with freckles, are they dense or spread out? really noticeable or more sun-kissed?

mannerisms: you have a dichotomy with 'lazy and uninterested' but also 'feminine and seductive'. you can change it to be "normally lazy and uninterested, but in (situation type) her posture becomes more feminine and seductive/flirty". putting two opposites together in a single sentence accomplishes absolutely nothing

flaws: half of those are synonyms or not exactly flaws. loose sexual morals isn't necessarily a flaw, neither is low self esteem. reckless/unstable are essentially synonyms, and same with depressed/damage. unnecessary words for the same amount of description.

prejudice: @ people who can pull off bangs; is that legitimate hatred or just an 'ugh i wish i could do that too :(' sort of deal?

talents: 'usually doesn't care a curse what people think of her,' ????????? what does this say

personality type: this is very vague. every statement you have could be its own paragraph. 'extroverted': ok what about it? you stated elsewhere she is a party animal. does she love to dance? does she drink? do other… illegal activities? promiscuous: does she go for men, women, both? different species or creatures, seeing as you have incorporated demons? does she go all the way, or only small, no-risk-of-pregnancy stuff? keep in mind you only made her seventeen.

occupation: again, please keep her age in mind.

favourite animal: cats are love, cats are life.

education: is there a real world equivalent you can attribute it to?

tldr time
pretty well done overall. she likes cats and i also like cats. you need to reread and fix some of your grammar, and you need to elaborate and many of your statements, especially in personality type and flaws.

@Joneathan

Thank you so much for this! I'll go look him over and fix some things. Also the reason he doesn't have a surname is that I can't really find one that fits. If you know of some that might work please tell me. Have a nice day :)

@indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog

Lily

quick warning ur a very wordy person and i personally am not a fan of that, so a lot of my nitpicks are on how you describe stuff

name: no surname; if that's on purpose, try changing her name to Lilium "Lily" because that insinuated lilium is her full name, but lily is the preferred. easier to read in the 'name' category that way.

age: ?? ludicrously early? is she 20 years and a month? just say early 20's; using adjectives where they dont belong is unnecessary wordiness

hair colour: this is gonna sound mean but use a colour chart please. freshly brewed coffee is dark brown to the point it's almost black; if that's the colour you're going for use either 'dark chocolate brown' or 'black coffee'. unnecessary description like that will draw the reader away from the character and ngl sounds really obnoxious; its fun to make those kinds of comparisons but their place is not when you are introducing a character to people who know nothing

hair style: i really like the details in this!! most people dont describe texture when they really should

facial hair/eye colour: sorta same deal, just keep it simple. 'n/a' for nothing, and 'silver' for eye colour. keep in mind most of the fields are quick fills, especially in the appearance category.

race: it looks messy to leave a sentence hanging like that. if you're looking to hide spoilers, simply use [REDACTED] in its place. try to not add unnecessary words (in this case, 'obviously').

skin tone: look up a skin tone chart. if her skin is albino, albinistic is the term you want. if her skin is simply super pale, consider the words 'bleached', 'snowy', and 'translucent'

body type: straight is not a body type, and mentioning her sexuality has no need to be there (id suggest make an 'orientation' section if you're desperate for it to be known). try again; look up a body type chart to help you. at her weight and height, she's obviously underweight and isn't going to have a lot of muscle, so terms you may want to consider are 'thin', 'scrawny', 'scraggly', maybe 'lithe' if she has a certain grace to her.

flaws: sarcasm isn't a flaw unless she uses it to the point where it damages relationships and opportunities for her. think about the consequences of her actions when you list flaws; if they are simply negative personality traits, that is not a flaw. however, quick to judge is a very good flaw. i like that

hobbies: you have a dichotomy. either she often listens to music in her free time or when she has free time, she listens to music. you can't do something often but also rarely. also, why did you censor the word shit? just type it lol; if it makes you uncomfortable to do so, just use the word 'junk' or something similar to that.

personality type: you write more than ive seen from others, but you can elaborate on more points. look up a character trait chart to get more ideas on what to say about her. this is just about the only section (along with history, if you aren't avoiding spoilers) that should have sustenance, aka paragraphs

birthday: May 17th will suffice

tldr
you really need to be less wordy. it's exhausting having to sift through unnecessary words you're adding all over the place, with vague metaphors. if it doesn't enhance the reader's understanding, don't use it. less is more, especially in a character profile. i like the idea of the mecha a lot; and space stuff always has a special place in my heart.

Rory

Thanks so much, you're a great help. The character's depression is reflected in her partying and self-destructive behaviour, the age limit for drinking is lower in my world. Also the hatred of people with bangs is supposed to be a comedic part of the story, she is generally quite a kind person but she just completely flips when people can pull off bangs. 'Doesn't care a curse what people think of her' just means she cares very little about people's opinion of her (I unashamedly took that phrase from 'Goodbye to Berlin'). And the fact that the main characters are young and still bounty hunters is some satire. Basically a comic book nerd ascends to have some power in the military through nepotism and makes a secret superhero program, not because of any big threat it was mostly just because he wanted to make his fantasies a reality, and the young people with abilities signed up because they liked the novelty of being a hero whereas older ones know that being a superhero isn't all it's cracked up to be. When the program is cancelled due to sheer redundancy the 'heroes' become legalised bounty hunters for hire and for special use by the government, mostly in order to appease the angry 17 year olds with wealthy parents, and the characters then learn the moral backlash that the life they chose can cause. I'm sorry if this response is too large I just thought i should clear up some questions because I didn't want to put the whole story on my profile.

Deleted user

@indecisiveinvalid I agree that I may have been a bit too wordy, and some of the descriptions are a bit too vague. Also, straight is a body type. When I look for body types, I usually just Google 'body types' and use what I find. Very professional, I know. Perhaps I should've been more descriptive or use a more well-known body type like 'hourglass' or 'pear' (that's not her actual body type I'm just throwing some examples around). I mentioned her sexuality as a joke more than anything, I didn't think of it as unnecessary but I might remove it in the future. Also sorry I left you hanging on the race category. I often leave certain parts thinking I'll get to them later, but I just forget about it at the worst possible moment. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to look at my character's profile, even if you weren't a big fan of my writing style.

@indecisiveinvalid eternal brain fog

Instead of 'straight', you may just want to consider using rectangular to get your point across better. And it wasn't that I disliked your writing style, it was just that what you are saying in certain categories that should have limited words tends to get lost.