forum I will NOT critique, but I will give advice! (Characters, worlds, PLOTS ESPECIALLY, and other stuff. Have a question? Ask))
Started by @Oakiin
tune

people_alt 63 followers

@Oakiin

@Divine-Irish-Potato
Okay, here you go!

I'll go through section by section, so you can get a comprehensive map ^^

Overview
I would recommend you take the time to explain some of her nicknames, just backstory, who calls her what, etc. This will help not only with backstory, but help add depth and realism!
I'll admit I'm a little confused about the description field, as that should be covered in her looks, so it doesn't really seem necessary to me. If it is, make sure you really go into detail, and explain!
Otherwise looks good here!

Story
Okay, I'm just confused here. "Flat" doesn't tell me much, go into detail describing what that means, and her journey, her emotions and thought process.

Looks
Her weight, height, build and body type all are fine, but they don't really match up super well. For example, 140 is a little on the light side for someone who's 6 foot, but not unreasonable. But then you describe her as butch, which is against her being lean and an hourglass figure. It creates a very confusing mental image of her. I picture butch as noticable buff, and lean as thin and wiry. If she is butch, then 140 is definitely way too light! The healthy BMI range for a 6 foot tall woman is 136.4 - 184.3 lbs. While that's a rough range, I would keep it in consideration.
Very cool detail with the six fingers, I like that a lot.

Outfit
All looks good here! Seems like a nice outfit :)

Health
This will need a lot more detail. Why is she nihilistic? Is that a mental health issue at all, or does it belong in nature? And for physical, you've already established th she's athletic, so you're going to want to describe her actual health. How often does she get sick? What is she most likely to come down with? Is she immune to illness, or? This is a great section to explore this kinda stuff, and you can do the same in her mental area.

Social
My big question: Why does an ancient Horsewoman who's existed long before humans created politics have a political opinion? Is she that involved with humans? Or is she detached? If she really cares about humans and the path they are taking, then I'd believe she might get involved in politics, but that also limits her to only America or a few other countries, and if she's a reaper for the world, she would likely have a much more expanded political belief system. Please go into A LOT of detail about that!
Another big question: Why does she have no religion? You mention that she takes the souls to God, but which God then? Are they all the same in your story? Or are you referring to the Christian God? Again, please explain a lot more about this!
Again same thing with the languages. Why only one? If she was involved with earth at all before the modern day, she would at least know some ancient languages. And again if she travels the world, she would likely be fluent in most, if not all languages. Unless there's other death reapers out there? Explain this as well.

Nature
This area is fine, just over simplified and a little 'typed.' INTJ is okay, but it doesn't tell me a whole ton actually about ehr since even those types are individuals and have differences. My basic rule is that you should have at LEAST 300 words in the personality section, in order for people to get a good idea what they're dealing with. With her conditions, same thing. At least 200 words explaining why they have what they have. If you just say she's nihilistic, that gives me no proof, and readers hate taking your word for anything. Make it believable by adding backstory, energy, experiences, events.
Also, try experimenting around with her hobbies. Those are all very physical, active things, what does she do when she's relaxing? Choose some activities that might not immediately seem to fit her and work on explaining why they do, and you'll get a whole new dimension added to her.
Like, as an example, maybe she really likes knitting. Then you'd have to figure out why she does, and you might open up a whole new part to her character.
Really, just keep asking yourself "Why" to everything you write down, and then answer that as detailed as you can. The more words you have in each section, the better.

History
What does "Very high" education level look like for a non-human? Did she go to human college? Some form of school for beings like herself? Remember, she's not human, you have to keep treating her with all her experiences in mind. Where would she get this education? Why? What did she learn? Etc.
"She has six fingers on each hand instead of the normal five. This is why death is unnatural to humans, but not to anything else living." This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. What about having six fingers is the thing that makes humans so freaked out about death? Or am I reading this wrong? Explain further.
I would recommend a minimum of 300-400 words for the background, and for her I would make it higher, since she's so old. Outline important events in her past, explain their effect on her, and what they mean for the story. For example, why is Scarlet Reaper, her daughter, (or son?) is her enemy?
Again you referencing her living in Hell sort of hints that she might belong to the Christianity religion. Make sure you explain this!

Powers
When you say "Very powerful" that doesn't give me any clear picture of what you mean. Very powerful compared to what? Make it relatable to something humans know about, or assign a number system, like from 1-100 and give her power a number!

Stats
These I would say the same as powers. "Very High" and "Extreme" tell me not too much. Also, she's very unbalanced here. here are her weaknesses? Characters that are bad or mediocre at some things are more interesting than those who are good at everything. Go into more detail as well!

General Advice

  • I would really just say to add more to every section except ones like eye color that don't need it. ANything that's not physically descriptive, you can add to. Try to write at least 10 words per field, and keep asking yourself: "Why?" "How?" etc. If you can come up with another question, ask it. Currently, the only thing stopping her from being completely believable is the lack of detail.
  • Remember she's not human, write her as such. She won't have the same standards, thought process, and views/opinions as a human would
  • She's a little 2D currently. All her traits line up towards one direction, make sure to add some variety, even if it seems counter intuitive. For example, I myself am both endlessly patient and at the same time, short tempered. Those don't match up, but hey that's how I am. It's contextual, situational, and depends on the people I'm talking to. This kind of stuff is what adds depth.
  • You also state that she's the original goth a lot. Once is enough, and repeating it makes her seem one dimensional and flat. Add more to her! Goths have lives outside their goth nature. What else is she about? Give her more.

I hope this helped! Feel free to ask questions or bring her back when you update her if you want! Over al, you've got a lot of potential here!

Deleted user

@Divine-Irish-Potato
Okay, here you go!

I'll go through section by section, so you can get a comprehensive map ^^

Overview
I would recommend you take the time to explain some of her nicknames, just backstory, who calls her what, etc. This will help not only with backstory, but help add depth and realism!
I'll admit I'm a little confused about the description field, as that should be covered in her looks, so it doesn't really seem necessary to me. If it is, make sure you really go into detail, and explain!
Otherwise looks good here!

Story
Okay, I'm just confused here. "Flat" doesn't tell me much, go into detail describing what that means, and her journey, her emotions and thought process.

Looks
Her weight, height, build and body type all are fine, but they don't really match up super well. For example, 140 is a little on the light side for someone who's 6 foot, but not unreasonable. But then you describe her as butch, which is against her being lean and an hourglass figure. It creates a very confusing mental image of her. I picture butch as noticable buff, and lean as thin and wiry. If she is butch, then 140 is definitely way too light! The healthy BMI range for a 6 foot tall woman is 136.4 - 184.3 lbs. While that's a rough range, I would keep it in consideration.
Very cool detail with the six fingers, I like that a lot.

Outfit
All looks good here! Seems like a nice outfit :)

Health
This will need a lot more detail. Why is she nihilistic? Is that a mental health issue at all, or does it belong in nature? And for physical, you've already established th she's athletic, so you're going to want to describe her actual health. How often does she get sick? What is she most likely to come down with? Is she immune to illness, or? This is a great section to explore this kinda stuff, and you can do the same in her mental area.

Social
My big question: Why does an ancient Horsewoman who's existed long before humans created politics have a political opinion? Is she that involved with humans? Or is she detached? If she really cares about humans and the path they are taking, then I'd believe she might get involved in politics, but that also limits her to only America or a few other countries, and if she's a reaper for the world, she would likely have a much more expanded political belief system. Please go into A LOT of detail about that!
Another big question: Why does she have no religion? You mention that she takes the souls to God, but which God then? Are they all the same in your story? Or are you referring to the Christian God? Again, please explain a lot more about this!
Again same thing with the languages. Why only one? If she was involved with earth at all before the modern day, she would at least know some ancient languages. And again if she travels the world, she would likely be fluent in most, if not all languages. Unless there's other death reapers out there? Explain this as well.

Nature
This area is fine, just over simplified and a little 'typed.' INTJ is okay, but it doesn't tell me a whole ton actually about ehr since even those types are individuals and have differences. My basic rule is that you should have at LEAST 300 words in the personality section, in order for people to get a good idea what they're dealing with. With her conditions, same thing. At least 200 words explaining why they have what they have. If you just say she's nihilistic, that gives me no proof, and readers hate taking your word for anything. Make it believable by adding backstory, energy, experiences, events.
Also, try experimenting around with her hobbies. Those are all very physical, active things, what does she do when she's relaxing? Choose some activities that might not immediately seem to fit her and work on explaining why they do, and you'll get a whole new dimension added to her.
Like, as an example, maybe she really likes knitting. Then you'd have to figure out why she does, and you might open up a whole new part to her character.
Really, just keep asking yourself "Why" to everything you write down, and then answer that as detailed as you can. The more words you have in each section, the better.

History
What does "Very high" education level look like for a non-human? Did she go to human college? Some form of school for beings like herself? Remember, she's not human, you have to keep treating her with all her experiences in mind. Where would she get this education? Why? What did she learn? Etc.
"She has six fingers on each hand instead of the normal five. This is why death is unnatural to humans, but not to anything else living." This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. What about having six fingers is the thing that makes humans so freaked out about death? Or am I reading this wrong? Explain further.
I would recommend a minimum of 300-400 words for the background, and for her I would make it higher, since she's so old. Outline important events in her past, explain their effect on her, and what they mean for the story. For example, why is Scarlet Reaper, her daughter, (or son?) is her enemy?
Again you referencing her living in Hell sort of hints that she might belong to the Christianity religion. Make sure you explain this!

Powers
When you say "Very powerful" that doesn't give me any clear picture of what you mean. Very powerful compared to what? Make it relatable to something humans know about, or assign a number system, like from 1-100 and give her power a number!

Stats
These I would say the same as powers. "Very High" and "Extreme" tell me not too much. Also, she's very unbalanced here. here are her weaknesses? Characters that are bad or mediocre at some things are more interesting than those who are good at everything. Go into more detail as well!

General Advice

  • I would really just say to add more to every section except ones like eye color that don't need it. ANything that's not physically descriptive, you can add to. Try to write at least 10 words per field, and keep asking yourself: "Why?" "How?" etc. If you can come up with another question, ask it. Currently, the only thing stopping her from being completely believable is the lack of detail.
  • Remember she's not human, write her as such. She won't have the same standards, thought process, and views/opinions as a human would
  • She's a little 2D currently. All her traits line up towards one direction, make sure to add some variety, even if it seems counter intuitive. For example, I myself am both endlessly patient and at the same time, short tempered. Those don't match up, but hey that's how I am. It's contextual, situational, and depends on the people I'm talking to. This kind of stuff is what adds depth.
  • You also state that she's the original goth a lot. Once is enough, and repeating it makes her seem one dimensional and flat. Add more to her! Goths have lives outside their goth nature. What else is she about? Give her more.

I hope this helped! Feel free to ask questions or bring her back when you update her if you want! Over al, you've got a lot of potential here!

thanks! I'll get to work! (BTW, the whole thing about six fingers being the reason death's unnatural, I only said that because people think that other people with abnormalities are unnatural, and freak out over it, like homophobes over LGBTQA+ people, etc. That's what I was implying)
Other than that, Thanks a lot!

@Oakiin

Yes, I sure can! Fire your questions at me, and I may be a little slow, but I'll get to you, I promise <3

@moss

So basically, my story is set in modern day New York and the main character is a high schooler named Tommy. His dad had died a year ago and his mom is struggling finding work and making money. Tommy's a pretty sweet guy but he has trouble controlling his anger and gets into lots of fights. My second character, Nick comes from a pretty rich family but is an outcast. He's not very successful in his family's eyes and he's not the "perfect son" they wanted him to be. He's antisocial and careless and kind of mean. Tommy had recently applied for a scholarship at Nick's fancy school and had been accepted. He doesn't know anyone at the new school and decides to sit at a seemingly empty table that turns out to be Nick's. Yadiyadiaya, they become friends and all and that's where I'm having trouble. I want there to be some sort of conflict in the story but I'm having trouble coming up with one.

@Oakiin

Sounds like you need an antagonist. This doesn't have to be a person, it could be a concept, like social expectations, or a group of people, like a gang. It could be a perspective that one of your two characters has that the other can't agree with, and it drives a rift in their friendship. The story could be about overcoming moral challenges, Nick could face his family trouble and resolve it it some way.

There are a few questions I would advise you ask yourself about this project:
1: How do the characters change from start to finish? (Hint: They don't have to change for the better)
2: Why do I want to tell this story? (Think about your own experiences, if there's anything specific you want to get across to your reader, or what this story means to you. Why is it important? Really dig deep into this one. It could be because you love the characters, but look at why you love them. Use that! Whatever you find, implement it.)
3: What happens during all the "Yadiyadiaya?" How do they become friends? What do they like about each other? What might they dislike or find annoying about each other? How might their social circles react to them befriending each other? For Tommy, what about any friends he had at the old school? Maybe your plot could be that they are mad at him for moving, and so he has to find peace with this, and move on from them? Anything is possible.
Really there's a LOT of material you could use in that simple description you gave me. Tommy's dad's death. That's going to affect his relationships, moods, and schoolwork. His home stress of his mom trying to find work. His fighting.
All you need to do for conflict is just decide: What do these characters need to overcome? And will they overcome it, or succumb to it? If you find those things out, you should have a proper character driven plot. Don't even try to tie their challenges together, if you don't want to. Let them naturally exist together, and watch how they react to each other during different points along their journey.

One last tip I have for you if the ones above are still leaving you lost, figure out what you want the ending to be, then work your way backwards towards the start. I'll use one of my own stories as an example here:

Belphegor: For this story, I knew I wanted it to follow the path of someone going from humble beginnings, to the tragedy of their parents being murdered, to glory, to cycling back to humble beginnings. But then I didn't know how to get there, or where to go. So I finished the book in my head, then went through all my possible ideas, until I settled on this one:
Ending: Dakota abandons humanity and returns to their roots, farming and living alone in the hills where they were born.
Step before: They defeat their antagonists entirely, and have fully embraced the role of Belphegor, yet are unsatisfied, despite their success.
Step before: They discover that their team has betrayed them and are using them, and get. Really. Mad. They build a suit of armor to allow them to destroy their new and old enemies alike, and get to work.
Step before: Dakota finds a team of people who offer them the chance to get back at their parents murders. They join the team as a weapons manufacturer, specializing in weapon mods.
Step before: Dakota doesn't know where to go from their parents deaths. They feel lost, angry, and like there's no way they can absolve the grief they feel over the tragedy they've suffered through.
Beginning Dakota comes back to their farm after school to find their parents murdered and their farm burned to the ground. They run away from the people picking through the aftermath, and hide in a nearby town.

Great! Now I have a story! I have a start, Dakota's parents dying, I have an initial problem for them to solve, their feeling lost and helpless, I have a solution to offer them, a way to get revenge, and I have a secondary conflict, their team turning out to be no better than the murderers, and I have a bangin' finish, Dakota going ape and destroying everything around them, and then I have a conclusion, Dakota learning that revenge and glory didn't make them feel better, and what they've always really wanted was to just go back to the farmer life. So in resolution, they have changed, but the ending isn't perfect. Dakota isn't at all perfect, they're disgusted by humanity, and just want to be left alone. They've found peace, but maybe not the best peace.

So hopefully that method works for you as well. Because of it, I ended up with a much more complex story than I originally could have come up with, and I also have an easy, concise outline now too.
I hope this helps, please let me know if you need more help, or want me to read anything you come up with! I'd love to see what you think up if you're willing to share :D