Form a neat line, now when you make it to the front desk post your characters link followed by their name and ask politely for me to inspect them (not a requirement it's just you're all such darn polite lil dudes) Then I will critique as many as my brain will allow.
Also Film School may not count as a Uni but shut up I wanna make movies.
Kade Tyramine (WIP) - Kade Tyramine
You think you could critique him for me? Thanks in advance.
Hello! If you wouldn't mind taking a peak at my character? I would be very grateful!
hey! if you're not overwhelmed, when you have the chance and if you're willing, i would love it if you'd check out catori!
hullo, could you possibly critique Keyrala? Keyra Lomri
hello! this is Freddie, he's not fully finished but I've had writers block and maybe it would be helpful to get feedback on what I have so far, if you could help that would be awesome :)
Hey, if you're not too busy could you critique Torizume?
Hey hey, Dakota could use some lookin' :)
Kade Tyramine (WIP) - Kade Tyramine
You think you could critique him for me? Thanks in advance.
Okay finally decided to get started. I have you all piled up, now time for the inspections.
first up Kade.
Okay he taps his feet, very cool.
Yo happy thoughts make him cry. This works well if his current situation is drastically different to his current one, usually if people in those memories aren't around anymore, nice touch.
Ok crossing your arms almost always is a little ridiculous unless it's like a situational habit, such as crossing your arms during a discussion.
Use this limited happiness well. Like have maybe 2 or 3 moments where he gets to laugh a little. Each one gaining. Like the first one is barely noticeable, like looking at a meme (not saying he should look at a meme, maybe someone tells a joke) he just smirks and releases air from his nose, maybe like a hm! when you laugh but don't open your mouth. Then the second time could be a fake laugh he puts on for show, so that no-one worries about him. So make it a bit awkward. But then later on release the emotional one. Maybe he's telling a really funny story from his past and while he's chuckling through it, have him begin to sniffle as he reaches the end.
Okay so I just read the background section. Very good and well thought out, especially the early life in terms of how it affected him and influenced his character. His parents couldn't bond well so he's not the best at making good bonds with people. I think you could go a little more in depth, like why was it his father received custody? Was he more well off while the mother was more on the poorer side? Like from an outside view were her circumstances bad?
So later when the dad gains custody he could brainwash Kade into thinking that his mother wasn't going to be any good at raising him due to her circumstances. And what're the other things his father tried to instill in him? Are any of these going to be challenged with his time being lost?
Okay now onto the rest of the background which I'm guessing is going to be your plot. Now obviously you don't wanna spoil your story. But how is Kade's past with his folks going to influence the story of him wanting to find his way back home. Basically I wanna know how his past becomes significant in his overall goal of returning to civilization.
So far I really like Kade, and think he's a strong character, who needs more in depth conflict with his current situation. Like does he reach a conclusion that maybe returning to the world isn't what he needs or is it something else? I guess what I'm saying is how is his time alone going to help develop him?
I think you've done a good job so far tho. You've gotten into whats important about your character and the story being told with him. It's clearer in terms of who he is and what the story is going to follow, if lacking some detail.
Hello! If you wouldn't mind taking a peak at my character? I would be very grateful!
Okay next Jiri (not even going to try to find the special 'i' on my keyboard, I can just never find it and I'll never get this inspection done so we're just gonna move on.)
Alrighty then as per usual I've skipped right onto nature and this one is a bit hard to figure out.
I'll calm your heart rate down a bit. The personality I read about was very in depth and well structured. I got a sense of what kind of person Jiri is. You mention qualities that he uses to assist people especially his friends, pulling strong focus to the idea that this guy is social. Then we get to prejudices and you mention extroverts. Since social energy can be a bit draining for him. This is fine, I know people in real life like this, I think a but more allusion to this in personality could paint a clearer picture.
Then we got to flaws and no detail was skipped (*insert thumbs up here)
You could use those flaws in a way where he is stressing about the deal that was made with the healer. I dunno how your magic works but I was thinking that maybe the favor that is asked of him challenges those flaws, that make him hide his feelings, maybe this challenge not only helps him open up more but sets him on a path to recovery. Or maybe that's just how your story goes. The reason for him completing the favor could simply be that he's going to lose that hand if he doesn't, like it's going all of a sudden be broken and ruined as if it had been for years, resulting in him losing it, so despite the fact he's more injured, because of the plot and journey and whatnot he ends up more healed internally at least.
Bringing in that want vs need. He wants to keep his hand so he can continue being an assistant forger, but what he needs is internal healing. I dunno how you want to continue it's your story, you've probably already done it, but who knows maybe a plot point built around this could be a section of your main story.
But yeah that's about all I can think of, overall pretty interesting character, you've got the who he is very well thought out, I reckon you should feed him into a plot and see what happens.
Hello! If you wouldn't mind taking a peak at my character? I would be very grateful!
Okay next Jiri (not even going to try to find the special 'i' on my keyboard, I can just never find it and I'll never get this inspection done so we're just gonna move on.)
Alrighty then as per usual I've skipped right onto nature and this one is a bit hard to figure out.
I'll calm your heart rate down a bit. The personality I read about was very in depth and well structured. I got a sense of what kind of person Jiri is. You mention qualities that he uses to assist people especially his friends, pulling strong focus to the idea that this guy is social. Then we get to prejudices and you mention extroverts. Since social energy can be a bit draining for him. This is fine, I know people in real life like this, I think a but more allusion to this in personality could paint a clearer picture.
Then we got to flaws and no detail was skipped (*insert thumbs up here)
You could use those flaws in a way where he is stressing about the deal that was made with the healer. I dunno how your magic works but I was thinking that maybe the favor that is asked of him challenges those flaws, that make him hide his feelings, maybe this challenge not only helps him open up more but sets him on a path to recovery. Or maybe that's just how your story goes. The reason for him completing the favor could simply be that he's going to lose that hand if he doesn't, like it's going all of a sudden be broken and ruined as if it had been for years, resulting in him losing it, so despite the fact he's more injured, because of the plot and journey and whatnot he ends up more healed internally at least.Bringing in that want vs need. He wants to keep his hand so he can continue being an assistant forger, but what he needs is internal healing. I dunno how you want to continue it's your story, you've probably already done it, but who knows maybe a plot point built around this could be a section of your main story.
But yeah that's about all I can think of, overall pretty interesting character, you've got the who he is very well thought out, I reckon you should feed him into a plot and see what happens.
Thanks! That was super insightful :) Yeah, I am still working out detail about plot atm, so an actual story is kinda far off, but I'm glad to know you think his character is ready to be used!
hey! if you're not overwhelmed, when you have the chance and if you're willing, i would love it if you'd check out catori!
you're number 3 and I know it's been like 3 days since I posted this but I'm not overwhelmed… honest.
Okay lets take a look here Catori the dumbass necromancer.
Since they died they can see the dead. Can confirm from experience dying doesn't let you see the dead but if I do see a ghost I'll let you know.
Okay that strong moral code that no-one can figure out. Gimme examples, like do people expect her as a ghost/cryptid hunter to be just gun-ho about nailing every fucking one, or in reality does she approach every case situationally? Treating every single one as separate to her past experiences. Or does it lead to annoyance/conflict with other characters who can't figure her out.
Her distrust of dudes over 30 has it got anything to do with her background or relationship with her father? Because so far there isn't really any reason for it unless she just has a lot of bad experiences with similar types of people, in this case dudes over 30. I mean cause it seems to just come outta nowhere.
Also why knives? Judging by what I've read it's not cause she's a complete psycho and wants to carve people up. Is it just cause it gets right to the point? slaps knee for effect
Also I tried searching up GFA I still dunno what it means but I wanna say medical thing.
The light house thing, since you brought it up it's gotta be important now. It can be something as simple as she enjoys the atmosphere like it helps her reach that comfort zone real quick and easy, you don't have to go for the trope of this relates to my hard backstory.
Or maybe it does in a simple way where it's just a spot that's always been there for her. OR perhaps she bonds in weird ways with ghosts she meets like sometimes if she reads them she sees a part of their life, maybe one ghost is connected to the lighthouse and she decides to find it one day and realises it vibes with her really well.
Also this trauma, Bruh you needs more details with this aside from "Traaauuummaaaaa" , I'm gonna guess this is linked to the GFA heart scar thingo and the reason she's good fixing cars. This is important to your character and needs to be fleshed out, like did they have a car accident, straight up die in hospital but got all fixed up then start seeing ghosts and shit?
This effects your background as well. You start off and everything seems normal, then all of a sudden this 19 year old mechanic who can see ghosts is now hunting/helping them. This part makes the most sense but then the cryptids say G'day and it's just a big question of "How tf did your life take this turn?" Like where at point did they go from just seeing ghosts to helping them, hunting them and when did the cryptids get involved?
I think this is important and could help you expand a bit more on your characters personality or if you've already gotten everything down on the personality it'll just help us understand them more.
Also it'll help you figure out where you wanna take this character in the end.
Overall I figured out a fair bit about Catori but was burdened by far too many questions as to how does everything you've put down link and overall make sense? I like the character and I think with such a volatile personality this character has a lot of interesting room to grow.
@JuniperDreams You're welcome my dude, he was a very interesting read and I'm excited to see what you eventually come up with.
hey! if you're not overwhelmed, when you have the chance and if you're willing, i would love it if you'd check out catori!
you're number 3 and I know it's been like 3 days since I posted this but I'm not overwhelmed… honest.
Okay lets take a look here Catori the dumbass necromancer.
Since they died they can see the dead. Can confirm from experience dying doesn't let you see the dead but if I do see a ghost I'll let you know.
lmao no, she was always able to see them, it didn't start after she died. i guess i might have made it seem like that, or possibly put that in back when i made it, before she'd been more fleshed out, but she's always been able to see them
Okay that strong moral code that no-one can figure out. Gimme examples, like do people expect her as a ghost/cryptid hunter to be just gun-ho about nailing every fucking one, or in reality does she approach every case situationally? Treating every single one as separate to her past experiences. Or does it lead to annoyance/conflict with other characters who can't figure her out.
she approaches them situation-ally. ghosts are just passed on people, so they're not inherently good or evil. sometimes they're just lonely, or it's a misunderstanding that led to them being feared, or they're scared. her goal is helping those ones move on, and even when she's facing ghosts intending to harm people, she always tries to talk. if that doesn't work, she will force them over, or banish them. her moral code itself mostly comes down to people. the best instance to show this is the time she beat the shit out of a dude she found out was bullying her friend, sending him to the hospital. it's a tie-up between 'oh, she's doing a good thing' and 'she nearly killed him'. she'll gladly threaten people with knives and violence, but anyone else threatening people needs to be stopped.
Her distrust of dudes over 30 has it got anything to do with her background or relationship with her father? Because so far there isn't really any reason for it unless she just has a lot of bad experiences with similar types of people, in this case dudes over 30. I mean cause it seems to just come outta nowhere.
that's my bad. i should have remembered that i leave a lot of things blank in my public charas, to prevent anyone from stealing exact character ideas? but anyway, it is a thing that happened in her past. her father is unrelated, but she still finds herself having issues trusting him from time to time, which she does her best to work through in the plot of the book, mainly after an incident similar to the past one
Also why knives? Judging by what I've read it's not cause she's a complete psycho and wants to carve people up. Is it just cause it gets right to the point? slaps knee for effect
she just. thinks they're cool lmao. she loves them, mainly because when she was a kid her mother got her a small ceremonial dagger as a gift. it was placed out of reach until she was old enough to be responsible with it, but she still loved it with all her heart, and that partially lends to the knife thing
Also I tried searching up GFA I still dunno what it means but I wanna say medical thing.
hgdfghdfgh it's the working/placement title for the book. it stands for ghost fuckers anonymous, an inside joke with a friend of mine
The light house thing, since you brought it up it's gotta be important now. It can be something as simple as she enjoys the atmosphere like it helps her reach that comfort zone real quick and easy, you don't have to go for the trope of this relates to my hard backstory.
actually, you're not wrong! it is important, if only because it's part of a fun little fluff bit i wrote when i was writing too much angst. basically, her friends are at one of their houses playing poker and realize she's taking forever to show up. then one of them points out the news story on the tv, and lo and behold, she's climbing up the side of a lighthouse. to be fair, it was to rescue a kitten no one had realized was up there, but she started hanging around lighthouses more after that, and they did become a bit of a calm space for her
Or maybe it does in a simple way where it's just a spot that's always been there for her. OR perhaps she bonds in weird ways with ghosts she meets like sometimes if she reads them she sees a part of their life, maybe one ghost is connected to the lighthouse and she decides to find it one day and realises it vibes with her really well.
Also this trauma, Bruh you needs more details with this aside from "Traaauuummaaaaa" , I'm gonna guess this is linked to the GFA heart scar thingo and the reason she's good fixing cars. This is important to your character and needs to be fleshed out, like did they have a car accident, straight up die in hospital but got all fixed up then start seeing ghosts and shit?
the cars are, unfortunately, unrelated. however, the trauma is both because of what happens in the book(the cause of the scar) and what happened when she was a kid. this poor child has been through so much and that's kinda my fault
This effects your background as well. You start off and everything seems normal, then all of a sudden this 19 year old mechanic who can see ghosts is now hunting/helping them. This part makes the most sense but then the cryptids say G'day and it's just a big question of "How tf did your life take this turn?" Like where at point did they go from just seeing ghosts to helping them, hunting them and when did the cryptids get involved?
I think this is important and could help you expand a bit more on your characters personality or if you've already gotten everything down on the personality it'll just help us understand them more.
Also it'll help you figure out where you wanna take this character in the end.Overall I figured out a fair bit about Catori but was burdened by far too many questions as to how does everything you've put down link and overall make sense? I like the character and I think with such a volatile personality this character has a lot of interesting room to grow.
thank you so much for this! it's helped quite a bit in fleshing her out and realizing any character holes i left. i'm sorry her backstory wasn't more explanatory, but again, i try not to put too much of that out there. besides, what fun would it be to possibly pull this book off a shelf one day, and suddenly realize you know this character and everything about her?
to try and makeup for that a bit, i'll give you a little bit.
her mother was killed. tortured, actually, alongside her, though only one of them died, and that was her mother. the reason why sucks, because it was all a misunderstanding, but catori has spent her whole life believing that her mother's ghost is out there somewhere and that if she just keeps looking, she can find her. her father has too, but only one of them has seen ghosts, the other just believes in them.
that's part of why she helps them, because she knows it's what her mother would do, would want her to do. and she's done not-so-great things in the process of becoming who she is, and she tries to balance that out at least somewhat.
Can you critique my child
i'm sorry if these are closed, but do you mind critiquing Ivan?
If you don't mind can you review my new and improved Sophie Sophie Kāne
Okay in response the 3 new requests, yes I will review yours when I get around to it, just know that film school started up sooner than expected. I thought I might get a 2 week break, turns out it was a 1 week break but I'll still find time in my day to pump out more inspections. But due to the fact I'm back at film school sooner than I thought, this will be closed now.
hullo, could you possibly critique Keyrala? Keyra Lomri
Okay number 4 out of 10. lets a go.
Playing with the daggers as a stress relief, this is a real thing for people who've experienced combat, the adrenaline of holding the weapon or recreating that environment is oddly calming. I know I bang on about detail but this subtle one is good that it tells me this person has seen/done some shit previously even if it was recent.
Personality type: Ahhh the elaborate shadow homie. Okay I like this but here are some thoughts based on what you put down. Just to sort of organise it and space it out for the story. So you mention that this person distances themselves a lot from people, they distrust them a lot and are very analytical about almost everything. I haven't read anything on Queen Veda but I think you could use this character to bring out those positive qualities of indirectly helping people. Like maybe Queen Veda challenges Keyrala's analytical take on the world and allows her to open up in her own way. Which brings in the whole helping people out without them knowing thing.
She's made that active change but doesn't let people know despite the fact they do notice and admire her character a little more subtly for it.
Okay that's actually about all I have for you. I think this character is very clean cut and well structured, and is interesting in that they have the ability to become a 3 dimensional character as their story continues.
Hey guess what uhh more delays, sorry my Nanna just died so I gotta work with my family dealing with that and still do Film school stuff.
I'm so sorry to hear that :( Take all the time you need, don't worry at all. Take care!
oh my god, i'm so sorry! take whatever time you need, real life always comes first!
Okay been a while but I'm back in action, I had class and the funeral 4 days ago.
So Freddie is a difficult one since I swear to god I've done him before, like ages ago. Also I think the permission has changed @"betsy.cant.write"
Alrighty Torizume is next till Freddie is available,
Okie doke mannerisms, Holy shit they have wings to flap!? It's creative that you've taken that physical feature and utilized for their personality, I recommend you use it subtly, don't draw too much attention to it but still use it cause it's pretty cool.
Okay for motivations you've written "Willing to do anything…" this is good cause this can help with you character development in terms of the Need vs Want. This can be a flaw in your character where they neglect some of their morals to become the winner they dreamt of but they realise it's ruined everything that's really important to them. So you could have the character pull a 180 on this to become a better person. Now obviously this sort of stuff has been done but you could do a unique take on it.
Like maybe yes they want to win the race but for their own selfish wants but maybe they realise it's about more than them, that it helps someone else more if Torisume wins. So you really need to decide if you want Torizume to win the big race or not becuase that is the physical representation of the characters journey if I've ever seen one. You have a goal which is the finish line that means success or failure in it's truest form.
Back to the need vs want you've even mentioned that their worst fear is losing their family and friends. Maybe due to their actions that sort of loss is on the table and is a very real threat.
Lesbian. Okay since you brought up the sexuality there is a romance plot. Make sure if it's a subplot that it's well done and isn't too short or too long. Because if it's too short it's somewhat unimportant and boring unless it's fresh and exciting. Or if it's too long it takes away from the rest of the story that seemed to be the main focus. But word of advice romance subplots sometimes are thrown in by studios because they think it makes the story better.
So if you are going for the romance make it not subplot but a huge section of the plot. So then it's a romantic story with the racing and other themes thrown in I dunno action, adventure or drama I dunno. Like think about how awkward romance subplots are usually they make people annoyed or confused and leave them wanting more from the rest of the story.
Now on a political level be very careful, you have two bad sides to avoid. The Netflix standard of Gay being a personality, then the Feminazi standard of Women and homosexuality being the new master race compared to white dudes. You wanna avoid ALL of that.
Write like you would a natural story. Don't make it about being better or being the only personality there is. Look at I'm not okay with this. I have plenty of LGBT+ friends and this felt very natural in having a good plot about the trials and tribulations of discovering homosexuality.
You don't have to do trials and tribulations but make it feel natural like any other romance in a movie. Disaster movies are shockingly good at this. They usually suck at all other levels of character development but have some of the perfect examples of homosexual characters.
The Core, Independence Day: 2 all treat the romances like they would any straight one. So yeah I think you have a lot of routes and options, for your character but these are all very general I would've liked to read about your world and story to see how your character plays their part in all of it.
But for what you gave me, you presented a lot of possibility for the future development of this character so go nuts.