forum I'll critique your characters! (Closed for now)
Started by @vidari-is-tired-in-advance group
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Name: Yoon-gi Park. Calls himself ‘andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)’ at school because it’s what his dad wanted to name him, and the other kids find Yoon-gi harder to say/memorize. (Well, they never tried.)
Age: 18, junior
Gender: Male
Looks: Korean mom, white dad. Curly black hair swept to the side, golden brown eyes, and some dark freckles dotted around his face. Pale skin, but it was later tanned by his superhero activities. Silver ear piercing on one year- got it for a dare back in his sophomore year when he was drunk and regrets it so. Much. (His Korean mom chewed him out for it later, but he’s just glad that he didn’t get a tattoo. Unfortunately, his overprotective mom found out who was with him and acted super icy to those students the rest of the year. Now, he has no friends.) He’s usually pretty snappily dressed (good fashion sense, so everyone wrongly assumes that he’s gay). He also wears Harry Potter glasses. Kind of short for a guy (5’4), but his hair makes him 5’5.
Personality: Optimistic, cheerful, supportive, can become quite loud when riled up, will fight you if you hurt someone he cares about. Ambivert. Can flirt when he wants to, though he’s not quite a pro at it. Will not say “fight me” and will not actually fight you. A bit reckless, definitely not the voice of reason.
Power: Chlorokinesis (plant creation and manipulation)
Backstory: His mother is the principal of the school, who married a specialist in biology and chemistry. However, he is unpopular because everyone believes that whatever they do, he will report it back to his mother. Not bullied, but not accepted, either. His dad’s never around (in the third book, it will be revealed that his dad was the one who made Formula X). Middle class.
Other: He's short-sighted (hence the glasses), amazing at old arcade games (Pac-Man, Mario Bros, etc) but it turns out that doesn't tend to pop up in everyday life much, a fan of Marvel (he loves Spiderman). Allergic to cats. Used to have a crush on Ophelia, then Dara. Ends up dating Ophelia. Originally didn't want to ask the people he rescued for money, but after Dara threatened- I mean, persuaded him to.

Name: Dara Gilchrest
Age: 17, junior
Gender: Female
Looks: Dark brown eyes and dark skin (really dark brown, like carob), 5’8’ and flat chested. Short, curly black hair cut short between her chin and her shoulders and pulled back in a short ponytail, a heart-shaped burn on her hand from trying to make ramen when she was younger.
Personality: awkward, spacey, makes a lot of badly timed jokes, dark humor, anxiety, laughs at inappropriate times, enthusiastic about things she loves, spontaneous, witty, very very intelligent. Dara's emotional intelligence is extremely low. She's extremely grounded and relies on science and hard facts, not emotions. Introvert. Likes to think of herself as the voice of reason, but can be very reckless.
Power: Originally, none. But later in the second (third?) book, she takes a fatal bullet wound to the stomach and nearly dies. Ophelia saves her by giving Dara some of her power and Dara’s wounds begin to close up much faster. (Although Dara has the power of emotion control, all people who are affected by Formula X live longer lives and get enhanced senses, strength, healing, speed, reflexes, etc. They also do not have to sleep or eat/drink as much as normal humans.)
Backstory: Dara was raised in a strict, abusive household. She hated emotions in general because her mother and father taught her to not let emotions rule her, but lashed out in anger and fear at any given moment. She taught herself to shut off her emotions and delved deep into science and math for a distraction. However, when she became a teenager, she began to develop anxiety. She rushed through her homework, got perfect grades, but couldn’t seem to find anything else to occupy her time (no money for extracurriculars, too many people at clubs). The only thing that helped her was spending time alone. That didn't do enough, though, and now she avoids people as much as possible. But with the help of andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer), now she’s recovering from her emotional trauma and becoming the passionate debater she always was. Lacks the ability to be sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. Lower-middle class.
Other: Does andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)'s homework, but only if they split the money he gets from hero work.

Name: Ophelia Rembrandt
Age (high school junior or senior): 17, junior
Gender: Female
Looks: Lightly tanned skin, wavy golden blonde hair hanging halfway down her back. Bright blue eyes. Light brown freckles scattered across her cheeks and nose, is a messy blusher (turns bright red). Soft, pink lips normally covered in vanilla lip balm or strawberry Chapstick. Uneven dimples. Eyeliner is on point. 5’3’.
Personality: Laughs a lot, very good at pretending to be happy/being very put-together. An extrovert, easily flustered, a physical-contact sort of friend (hugs, cheek kisses). Therefore, she clashes with Dara a lot. Very motivational, the emotional support of the group. Cheerful, ambitious. She doesn’t care about popularity but is popular herself. She doesn’t get very good grades (mostly B’s, a couple of C’s), even though she studies so much. Has dyslexia. Will not say "fight me" but will fight you. Optimistic.
Power: Technically, power absorption or the ability to give away her power. But now the power absorption is gone (ever since she touched the right-hand man), and now it’s pyrokinesis. After she gave some of the essences of Formula X to Dara, she can now only make smaller flames and light her hands on fire (not launch giant flames like a flamethrower).
Backstory: Lives with her mother and father, who dote on her and spoil her now that her brother is at college. One day, while she was at the mall, a group of terrorists stormed in and held the mall hostage in exchange for all of the jewelry and money inside. In the midst of her panic, her powers started to form. Just then, the terrorist’s superpowered right-hand man found her hiding inside the changing room. He tried to forcibly drag her to the food court, where everyone was being held captive, but she accidentally burned his arm with her bare hands (third-degree burns) and was about to burn down the entire store when the sprinklers came on. Coincidentally, the police arrived, at the same time as andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer). Since the right-hand man’s power was pyrokinesis, the terrorists fled, believing that andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) had captured the evil pyrokinetic. Now, Marianne has to deal with her newfound powers and learn how to become a superhero. Upper class.
Other: Has a giant golden retriever named Yardstick (has three feet), left-handed, has an older sister (punk) in college. She likes ice cream (anything vanilla, but fruit flavors like sorbet is also nice), warm (pink, yellow) pastel colors, the sunrise, Victorian poetry. Dislikes drinking, smoking, large crowds, strobe lights, the electric guitar, stereotypes, heavy metal music. (clashed with her sister so much) Used to be andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)’s crush.

@vidari-is-tired-in-advance group

Wow, your characters are really detailed! Your descriptions feel lively and clear, so good job buddy!

For andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer): How does he decide to become a hero? Is simply getting his powers enough for him to want to be a hero? Or does something happen to make him want to help others with his powers? Also, does his strict mother affect his ability to superhero? Does he find it difficult to keep this secret from her? Another question I have is that does where he lives affect his magic? For example, if he lives in a big city, does he find it difficult to use his powers?

For Dana: What does Dana think of her new powers? Does she use them to help with her anxiety and introversion? What does she consider the limit to manipulating the emotions of others? (How far is too far?)Does she have any specific hobbies or activities that calm her down?

For Ophelia: With her pyrokenisis, how much control does she have over it? After obtaining her powers, does it affect her interactions with others? (scared of touching others, etc) What is motivating her to want to become a hero? A sense of responsibility? Morals? Is she arrogant from being spoiled by her parents, and if not, how did it affect her?

Overall, I really like all of these characters! These are just my quick thoughts on them. I hope my critique is helpful!

Deleted user

thank you!!

for andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer):
haha, it wasn't really his decision. he wasn't even the first one to find out! dana's kind of a superhero geek because she moved to andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)'s town (still decided where i should choose) from the biggest superhero city in the US (New York City) and she recognized the symptoms of getting superpowers long before anyone else did. she just kind of hyped it up like "oh my god you're a superhero what's your codename going to be can i design your outfit" and he just went with the flow because honestly? dana's kind of terrifying when she's passionate about something. i mean, he does hero-worship the crimson dynamo (because of his mini crush on him) but even if he was the first to know, he would still be like "sweet i can make a new aesthetic".
his mom found out right away, obviously. she's scary observant. but she knows that once this boy has put his mind to something… not even she can stop him. one time, he nearly got killed in his hero form and she was going to his bed to tell him off and confess that she knows but then she hears crying from inside the bedroom. it turns out that a young child died in his arms at a bank robbery, and he couldn't even save her. it was the first time he saw death in his career. she quietly backs away from the closed door and decides to make him his favorite comfort food, dduk guk. (savory rice cake soup) from then on, the mom helps him in subtle ways, like giving him hints on how to defeat a villain "if only __ remembered that zombies can be killed by fire" or assigning the teachers to give the class a project on mapping out different parts of the city to make one giant blueprint.
and andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) lives in a pretty suburban area, so he's fine. and he doesn't really want to move to new york to meet the other supers, but thinks central park would be pretty cool.

for dana:
her new powers come towards the end of the second book. by this time, she had become more of an ambivert and become more outgoing with andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)'s help. but now that she can sense other people's emotions, she retreats back into herself and starts walking on eggshells, terrified that one wrong move might make them hate her forever. she is constantly bombarded with emotion and the natural response for this… would normally be to let the emotions surrounding her be channeled through her body and go with the flow. dana, however… bottles them up inside, becoming more silent, because she's scared that if she opens her mouth, all the hateful words and awkward feelings (lust, spontaneity) would come pouring out. this is her emotional struggle in the third book, which she is the main character of.
dana also has zero sense of boundaries. sometimes, in her scientific curiosity, accidentally prods too far into someone's emotions and completely leaves them wrecked when she's done. she's also terrified of pushing people too far - so she tries not to use her power as much as possible. however, due to this, she's slowly becoming mentally unstable. (think winter in lunar chronicles)
to calm her down, she just runs her fingers over whatever she's touching and tries to just focus on the texture and black everything else out. if it's a really bad anxiety attack, she'll start counting fibonacci sequences in her head.

for ophelia: zero control, at first. she has to get some help from dana on how to control her emotions - because they're normally so strong, her fingers can light up at just the slightest glance from a crush. she likes touching cool skin - it helps her calm down, with warm/mildly hot skin, the fire inside her starts reacting to the other person's warmth and wants to burn the other person.
sometimes she forgets and squeezes andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) or dana's hand when she's nervous, and then they'll get a mild burn. they have a lot of burn medicine on hand. and andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer), thankfully, is good at growing aloe.
although she's never going to admit it, she felt this exhilarating rush of power the first time she used it. it was like being high, except with clear-headedness and it's slightly less addictive. she never wanted to be a superhero because of the life of constant danger… but for that feeling, it's all worth it.
due to her being spoiled by her parents, she sometimes catches herself asking others to do menial tasks or to complain about something trivial. andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) does his best to gently nudge her in the right direction, and it usually works. but that''s not really the thing that changes ophelia… surprisingly, it's dana. dana has zero patience for bullshit. anytime ophelia says something out-of-bounds or arrogant towards andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer)… dana shuts her down flat.
ophelia: "ugh, i'm so tired… i had to go to dance today…"
dana: "piss off. andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) went through an extra three hours on his shift because you had to go to your re-scheduled dace class, or whatever."
i mean, it's not as if ophelia means to be cruel, or hurtful. she's just very ignorant sometimes of her privilege in society. but she's trying to get better, and that's what really matters.

@vidari-is-tired-in-advance group

@Kohaku, this is my third time writing this critique, because it keeps getting deleted! I’m so sorry this took as long as it did!

One thing I think it would be helpful to add is how exactly Natory got the position of king’s advisor. Did the king notice him when Natory was friends with his son, and keep an eye on him to give him a possible government position because the king saw his intelligence? Or did Natory have to interview for the job and compete against others for it? This can be a pretty big part of Natory’s backstory, and can determine his relationship with the king, so I would add in a bit more about that. Also, in his prejudices, it says that he believes nothing really matters, but further down, it says that he cares about his wife and children. This seems a bit contradictory to me. Maybe replace the prejudice with “Few things actually matter to Natory, except for the people he feels he must protect”?

I hope this was at least vaguely helpful! Overall, I really like Natory! He feels like a solid, fleshed-out character, and one whose personality and reactions make sense with his backstory. Good job, and have a nice day!

@Your_Local_Scrivener

How do i add a link?

If you go into your character tab and click on a character, what should pop up is a small button that looks like a triangle without a bottom, with round dots on each of the three points. Click on that and it will say, "Share (character name)" and give you an option to make your character/universe public. If you don't want your entire universe public, just click on the character's privacy setting. Then a link should pop up just beneath the "Share (character name)" button. Copy that and paste it into a reply.

@Friendlyglittery7 group

Oh hey! I recently got done polishing my character, Vioetta so would you like to critique her character? Vioetta
She's an anthromorphic wolf (They're called Alillians in the story) and she's an anti-social bandita who got heavily influenced and drugged by another bandit.

P.S. Even though she seems better off as an antagonist, Vioetta honestly does some good in the story.