forum I'll critique some characters! (Closed till I finish the current line lol)
Started by @CopperQueen
tune

people_alt 53 followers

@CWPoofToxicRush

Name: Rhapsody
Nickname: Bohe
Age: 17
Species: Human
Looks: Long, curly, warm brown hair, tanned skin with freckles, brown eyes, a bit short and scrawny, but she always carries herself with enough confidence to make herself seem much bigger.
Personality: Sweet, loyal to the people she cares about, rebellious, kind, nervous, always worrying about something or other, good at faking confidence, but will do so until she can’t anymore and starts breaking down. The tiered mom friend too young for this bullshit.
What The Heck Is Up With Her: Rhapsody is a Witch. Not only that, but she is one in a long line of witches who seem to follow Apollo and Artemis. Her family had long pledged to protect people. More specifically, their individuality and creativity in the face of oppression and corruption. A family line of rebels. In her generation, the corrupt government banned music, in an attempt to stifle and rebellion, like what had been seen to happen in the past. They did not count of pissed off teenagers having enough of this bullshit. Rhapsody is the leader of these teens.
Basically: Ya girl is a tired teenager with no clue what she is really doing being forced to lead a revolution and a fight she never should have to lead at her age

Annihilate Me

@CopperQueen

So, first off, I like her, but parts of her personality are really underexplained.

rebellious, kind, nervous

Those are pretty contradicting traits. If she is nervous and kind, would she not be scared of rebelling? Leading a rebellion no less?

but she always carries herself with enough confidence to make herself seem much bigger.

Why? Is there any reason she wants people to think she is confident or does she just like it that way?

Rhapsody is a Witch.

Does that have anything to do with something else? It seems kind of thrown in there, tie it more with the rest of the description.

In her generation, the corrupt government banned music, in an attempt to stifle and rebellion, like what had been seen to happen in the past.

Was music specifically used to rebel before? Otherwise, that's a weak motivation.

Rhapsody is the leader of these teens.

Who put her in charge? Why would she be their leader, why exactly is she special? Is it because of her family? does she think it's right she leads, cause you're saying like she doesn't want that.

Basically: Ya girl is a tired teenager with no clue what she is really doing being forced to lead a revolution and a fight she never should have to lead at her age

But who is making her do that? Is she pushing herself? What for?
You're describing her as very tired and done tm but why can't she get out?
The motivation is not properly explained.

Otherwise, pretty nice character, good job!

@CWPoofToxicRush

So, first off, I like her, but parts of her personality are really underexplained.

rebellious, kind, nervous

Those are pretty contradicting traits. If she is nervous and kind, would she not be scared of rebelling? Leading a rebellion no less?

but she always carries herself with enough confidence to make herself seem much bigger.

Why? Is there any reason she wants people to think she is confident or does she just like it that way?

Rhapsody is a Witch.

Does that have anything to do with something else? It seems kind of thrown in there, tie it more with the rest of the description.

In her generation, the corrupt government banned music, in an attempt to stifle and rebellion, like what had been seen to happen in the past.

Was music specifically used to rebel before? Otherwise, that's a weak motivation.

Rhapsody is the leader of these teens.

Who put her in charge? Why would she be their leader, why exactly is she special? Is it because of her family? does she think it's right she leads, cause you're saying like she doesn't want that.

Basically: Ya girl is a tired teenager with no clue what she is really doing being forced to lead a revolution and a fight she never should have to lead at her age

But who is making her do that? Is she pushing herself? What for?
You're describing her as very tired and done tm but why can't she get out?
The motivation is not properly explained.

Otherwise, pretty nice character, good job!

Okay, to clarify some things:
She is always down to rebel. The nerves come from the possibility of failure and someone getting hurt. Gonna admit, that one's on me

She tries to be confident so people won't know how much she is tiered/internally panicking.

Her being a witch does have relevance!!!

Rhapsody is a Witch. Not only that, but she is one in a long line of witches who seem to follow Apollo and Artemis. Her family had long pledged to protect people. More specifically, their individuality and creativity in the face of oppression and corruption. A family line of rebels.

And in the story:

Well, one of generations. Music, mainly. People. Individuals. Creativity. Stars. Moon. Healing. Resistance. Apollo and Artemis. Not quite a priestess, they hadn’t been around for ages. Merely a follower who happened to find herself feeling quite close with the two.

It ends up not only being part of her back story and affects why she's leading this revolution, but it adds a minor conflict of everyone thinking this should be finger-snap and done easily for her because she can use magic, but it doesn't work like that

Music is always tied to rebellion (60s hippies, 70s punks, 80s metal heads, 90s grunge and riot grrrls, ect). The adults in change know this and seen it before, and figured they take the best way of spreading revolution away. Teens are already fed up with their shit, though. Government did not plan for this.

She is in charge because she started this revolution, because it was something she was taught to do. She comes from a line of witches protecting people and their individuality and creativity. Music and the arts is a big part of that. So it's something she knows it right, and knows if she doesn't do something, the likelihood of someone else doing it is low

She is half making herself do it, but most of the confilt is that they are children who had to grow up around the roots of corruption and had the one thing they could always count on to have their voices heard taken away. And they snapped. But they are literal children who are fighting a battle they should never have to fight. She's in over her head, and she knows it, but if she fails, she'll take a bunch of other kids with her.

@CopperQueen

@Oppys-writing-skills-arent-the-best

First of all, she is developed, good job on her! It does seem like a lot of thought went into her.

About the sexuality field, is she aromantic? The description makes it sound like she is, I figure if you didn't know what the word for that is it is aromantic

The glasses are a really nice detail, do you have them as an item separately? They seem important enough to have their own page if they are a sentimental object. If you already have that, link it on all mentions.

Alice's idea of formal is different than mosts.
This was before describing a very normal idea of what is formal, so either this needs to be rephrased or it isn't really correct.

Alice has a very severe case of social anxiety.

She's really smart, witty and analytical, while also being very street smart

Alice seems to be very in-the-stereotype for people with social anxiety, with the way she looks dresses and acts, you have to be careful writing a character like that because it can be annoying for people to see the same anxiety-riddled girl 30 times in different stories. Other than that, you seem to have a good understanding of how social anxiety works and what kind she has, so good on you!

She talks to herself when she's alone and often explains what she's doing to herself.

Is this just a little thing she does or does it have any particular reason? Would she stop doing this/Never have developed that habit if she was less anxious or had more friends? She just seems a bit out of character for the rest of her description.

You know what? She actually just hates chalk in general. Everything about it. The feeling, smell, sound, literally everything.

I don't know if this was intentional, but this seems like she has sensory issues with chalk. You can get that from anxiety, so that might be something to put down/consider.

Other things are I would suggest not having anxiety-related things in the flaws folder, as that isn't a personal flaw as much as it is a condition.
She definitely does need more flaws, and even though the text is long, it is very lacking of any intense wrongs that could set her apart from other characters.

Alice's view on human men has been swerved ever since she ran away from her adoptive father. The years of constant abuse have been engraved into her memory. The only human she really trusts is Samuel, one of her close friends.

This is a nitpick but please clarify if it is humans in general or human men specifically since those are different things.

On the interests and talents, they seem perfectly in line with her and each other, so you don't have to change much about them imo

-Alice is very quick to learn new spells

You say this a lot in different category's, i think once or twice is enough.

"Chips. I frikin love potato chips."
xD wow

That's probably all I have to say about Alice. There is A LOT of text on her and she seems thought through, so overall it is a good character. Just once again, be careful writing a character that is so close to the stereotype because it can get cliche fast

@Kaloobia

Hi! I can see you have a line haha, I hope it's alright if I wait my turn ^^"
Sakchai This is Sakchai, please don't laugh, he's a YouTuber who gets high up in the music industry, in this fictional Hollywood universe of mine. Please, please be harsh with him. Thank you very much!

@CopperQueen

@EWS-SunGod
First off, a lot of fields are blank. Why is there no hairstyle for example?
If it is because he is some sort of mythical strange being, then you can put redacted or impermanent, not question marks, so people know you are sure of who he is in the first place.
Don't put question marks on things. Decide what the correct thing is. It's your character, just say it.

Also, although the background field is cryptic, It does not do a lot to actually explain the character, you might wanna craft him an actual background.

Other than that there isn't a lot in the field to comment on since you haven't written a lot. I would recommend a bit of writing in every column, just for fleshing out.

@Oakiin

Thanks so much for looking at him! ^^
The reason most of the fields are blank/incomplete is because he's literally just a silhouette/shadow, so there's no way to tell. But I definitely see what you're saying, I'll keep working on him!

@CopperQueen

@TakingAPersonalBreak

One, put a units on the weight and height. I understand what you mean but still.
Does she have anything special about her that you may notice when she does not have her power activated? Or is she simply bland?
Nitpick but your mannerisms aren't mannerisms, they're traits. Put them in the correct field and make up actual mannerisms.

That she will never be okay again.

After what tho?

Please also extend the background a lot, you need quite a bit more

Other than that I can't think of much else honestly