forum I'll critique for you!
Started by Kat
tune

people_alt 20 followers

Kat

Sorry for the delay!
But I'm back now, so let's dive right in.

@Celestial-B
So, Harmony. You say that she's 'oblivious' and 'often walks straight into danger' but then say that she's good at recognizing 'when something is a trap'. This is a little contradictory, don't you think? Also, I don't know if loving a person can be called a hobby? Maybe put that one in another category, like history or something. Other than that, I don't really have anything.

And for Keon, I honestly can't think of anything.
Both your characters are really well developed, and the premise is really interesting. Good luck!

Kat

@traditionalartist

I really like this whole list format. Nice.
You should definitely figure out a proper origin story for Danny. 'Something happened' is not enough. Also, it seems a little weird that right after he becomes a superhero he meets four other superheroes. Are superheroes normal in this world? How does the public react to these powered individuals? Is there ever any distrust or panic because they're 'different'?

Also, you say he has a job. What does he do? Does his occupation interfere with his hero work? How does he keep his identity secret, if that is a thing that he does? His motivations are to protect Gabriel and help out Patricia. How does he accomplish these?

Overall, he's pretty well developed. You just need to add a little more detail to his history and his present life and you'll be golden. Good luck!

Kat

@Libraleap

One big question: how common is immortality, and how did Asmodeus become immortal? What is his 'origin story', per say?

Other than that, my main concern with Asmodeus is that everything in his personality, history, motivation, etc. is centered around Herne. He's a 1000 year old vampire! He should have so many experiences and encounters with so many different types of people over his 1000 years of existence that should be reflected in his character but aren't. Like, imagine all the people he's seen grow and then die. Wouldn't knowing that you're going to outlast all your friends affect the relationships you make? And having seen the rise and fall of literal empires would give him foreknowledge that no one else would have, right? All these things should definitely have an effect on his character. Plus, you can also use it for comedic effect, where every time someone talks about a figure from the past Asmodeus can be like, "Oh yeah, I knew that guy." Anyway, I'm just spitballing at this point, but it's something for you to think about. Good luck!

Kat

@Joneathan

What you have for Lune is pretty good, though you should add a little more. Her personality, flaws, hobbies, talents, and history are a little bare. You do have a bunch of spelling errors which bothered me, but that's just me being nitpicky. Overall, I don't really see a purpose for her? She doesn't have a long-term motivation or goal and I can't see what role she plays in the plot. Just flesh her out more, is all I really have to say. Good luck!