I'd love to critique for you~ [JUST OPENED!!]

Hello! I used to be very active, but I sorta dropped off several months ago. I can promise long and comprehensive critiques with everything from logic to opinion to suggestions. I look hardest at a character's backstory and personality, so be ready for that! I really will try to help. :D

@Suspicious_Reptiles

yo do you think you could look at Nat?

@CinnamonRoll

Ok, here we go with Nat! Top down…

Nothing wrong with her looks. She sounds cute!

Under nature, I’m very impressed with how well you worked in ADHD. Impulsiveness is an aspect of ADHD many forget. However, you never really SAY that she’s impulsive until the end. A lot of her personality traits can be traced back to impulsiveness—falling in love too easily and not thinking before making decisions are perfect examples. I wonder about her motivations, as the universe is called SCREAM! —do they change later on in the story with an important event? If so, note that! It’s ver important. I would also flesh out exactly how her ADHD affects her life, since her main motivation is doing well in school and ADHD can often interfere with that.

Okay, history! It looks pretty solid, but there are a few issues. One, the “never got in trouble” thing. If she goes off her impulse most of the time, it’s pretty likely that she’s done a few things wrong. Maybe not a lot, but there should be enough to make her imperfect. Two, the good student thing. Yes, kids with ADHD can definitely succeed, but from what I understand it’s just difficult, given focus issues. It’s thrown in casually, but I would think she would have had to work hard for her grades. This also helps her motivation, because she CAN’T be motivated by something she already achieves easily. That’s unrealistic and, frankly, boring. Three, I would just put the fact that she struggles with long-term connections under flaws. That’s definitely an issue, and if you’re writing a romance plot/subplot, it can be a big deal!

All in all, you did a really great job!! I would just strive for a bit more realism with a few key details and you should be good to go!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@AloeVera MentallyImInACottage

Aye, this boi is my most developed, but I'm still hoping to polish him up, so show no mercy haha, thank you!

@CinnamonRoll

Hi Aloe Vera—I actually typed up a response, but my phone killed it. Yay. I’m busy now, but I just wanted you to know that I’ll post the full critique later today/early tomorrow. I promise I won’t leave you hanging!! :DD

Sorry!!

@AloeVera MentallyImInACottage

Ohmygosh I'm so sorry your phone did that I can relate :') Take your time though! Don't strain yourself :)

@CinnamonRoll

Okay I speed-typed the whole thing in notes so now I won’t lose it!! If you have any clarifying questions, just hit me!! I might answer late tho, sorry!

Okay, top down…

Let’s start with motivations. They’re beautifully done, but I have to ask what kind of worldly pleasure you’re talking about. Do you mean physical/sexual pleasure, money, influence, stability, etc., etc.? They are all quite different and it’s an important distinction. Next up, I really enjoy the concept of passive manipulation, but turning to charisma seems off. From what I understand, this is a stoic and cool character. Charismatic characters are generally more of the flirtatious type. Plus, you say he exudes a “stay away from me” aura, which clashes with the charisma piece. I wouldn’t call him chaotic neutral—he seems more true neutral to me. Chaotics cause chaos for the sake of chaos, but Jean seems too collected for that. Lastly, I LOVE how you added the cat cafe thing!! This man deserves a soft side and you definitely gave it to him.

His backstory is an absolute work of art. I mean it. Beautifully done. I only have a couple points. One, I like how casually he turned to assassination, but it seems unrealistically easy that he could go from accidentally killing a douche on the street to professional assassination. That’s a big leap and the in-between space deserves more attention. Two, I would ask about how he feels about the death of his family. He may have hated them, but the fact that you said that he was going to see his family suggests that he still had a little bit of a connection. Especially to his sister—how did he feel about her death? Maybe there was a mourning period, or maybe he suppressed it and thus suffers due to smashed-down emotions. Was there a time when relations with Anubis were tense due to Anubis’s actions? Even if Jean wasn’t sad, maybe Anubis was regretful but Jean didn’t mind, so it was an awkward atmosphere. I’d also ask how Anubis became a professional killer, given that he had some mental problems (I would also specify those further).

Overall, you’re correct! This is a super well-developed character and I’m so glad I got to meet him!!

(Ps: I just saw your sweet “don’t strain yourself” message—thank you!! That’s so nice of you!!)

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@AloeVera MentallyImInACottage

Ah wow thanks! I do appreciate the points! And with the backstory, you're right; funnily enough, those points are very good, I just completely forgot to include them in, so thank you for helping me remember to add those in! Jean was only connected to his family because they manipulated him to feel like he still needed them. (They aided him financially so I mean he did rely on them on that) However, he actually struggled against Anubis because he couldn't properly mourn his family; not genuinely, and he didn't understand why, so he turned his frustrations on Anubis
Additionally, Anubis actually isn't my character; he's my friend's! Soo I might not be able to answer confidently about how he became an assassin on his own, but something about how he's a violent boi himself and has nothing else to do.

@JiaGrace

Hey!
So I've just picked up this plot of mine after a long break, and I feel theres a bunch of little fixes for one of my protagonists, Safiya. I'd love it if you could give it a look!
She's supposed to be the typical angsty outsider type, but gaspwith secrets (who would have expected that???).

@Suspicious_Reptiles

Thank you so much @CinnamonRoll!!!!!! I will definitely look into this. Have a great day and happy holidays!!!!!

@that1_T0ad

Hiii, would you mind taking the time to polish up one of my newest characters? She's mostly finished, but I'd like an opinion from a more experienced writer. :)

@CinnamonRoll

Hi folks!!!

@JiaGrace : I’ll do your character next ~!! :))

@Suspicious_Reptiles : I’m so glad I could help!!! Happy holidays !! :DD

@EveningPrimRose : If you’ll post a link, I’ll look at your character right after @JiaGrace ’s! :))

@CinnamonRoll

Okay, Safiya! Top down…

First off, I really like what you’ve done with identifying marks! That’s super cool, but also creepy… is she not human? I feel like she’s not human, but at the same time it says that her race is human. So I’m a little confused, but I really enjoy what you have.

Cheerleading is an interesting hobby for her. Don’t cut it—I like the clash—but maybe explain it a little more. You describe her as cold and blunt, when cheerleading is more of a preppy, charismatic activity. I understand that she does it to train her body, but there are a LOT of things she could do besides cheerleading that have similar results. You also explain that she never lets her guard down—is she skilled at faking her emotions? This could help explain how she cheers. Also, how’s her relationship with the cheer team? Generally, cheer teams are portrayed as pretty close, but if she struggles with relationships, that could change.

Okay, wait. Botany is sweet, but now she’s smoking—we’re talking drugs? Does she have a drug problem? I could be misinterpreting this, but if she does, that can affect a LOT of things. (Also, you should probably note it). Most importantly, it can affect her cheer hobby. It wouldn’t go over well if they found out she had a drug issue.

There’s a cult now! YES! I love reading about cults! However, I hope you elaborate on how she managed to leave, because it’s NOT easy to leave a cult. Finally—I love fatalistic humor. So much. I’m glad you incorporated that.

Really nice job on the backstory! I’m getting a very dark-and-mature-Gravity Falls vibe and I am HERE for it. In all honesty, I only have two major notes. One, I want to know if many of her personality traits stem from the cult incident. Before the cult, it seems like she had a close friend and was easily trusting, which doesn’t sound like the Safiya I’ve read about. Make sure to note if the incident changed her personality at all. Two, (I’m repeating myself, I know) how did she manage to leave the cult? That’s very difficult and I doubt they would have just let her go.

Overall, I LOVE your universe and Safiya’s role in it. If you ever want another critique I’d be happy to help!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@that1_T0ad

Yes, I can't believe I forgot the most important part xD. Here you go:

(I've asked for critiques for her before, but I need multiple opinions).

@JiaGrace

Thanks so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it overall, and now I get an excuse to work on it some more :))

@Yamatsu

This guy is my main villain, but I want him and my main character to be friends before things go terribly wrong. Should I include this in my character sheet? Are there any other things that need to be polished up?https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/580595#

@CinnamonRoll

Hi folks, I’m back! @EveningPrimRose ‘s Everrose—top down…

First small issue: her selfishness clashes with her motivation. So she wants equality for her people—great! But if she’s selfish by nature, there’s probably an underlying motive of her just wanting equal status for herself, and that’s best gained by raising the status of all SoulKeepers. Same issue here with prejudice. Like, this can totally work, but if she’s selfish then there’s going to be a hidden, more selfish motive.

Oh! Hey! You actually just wrote down what I just said—sweet!!!! Make sure to note that under motivations so that’s just there. But there is a slight issue: her loyalty. If she really only seeks to elevate herself, why would she be loyal to anyone? It’s more likely that she would betray them for her own gain. This does not strike me as a loyal woman—maybe not manipulative, but definitely scheming.

Nice job on backstory, but I think you need to go a little further on a couple things. One, this ring—earlier I read that it has “unlimited power.” Personally, I don’t think anything should have truly unlimited power, because, well, then the story’s over as soon as your character gets the object. Besides that, I think you need to go more in depth about the power of this ring. It seems key to the storyline. Two, this whole sold herself into slavery thing. It’s nice and it’s an incredible and beautiful starting point for a story, but it doesn’t fit with her character at all. This is a selfish girl, and I don’t care how much she loves her family, she doesn’t seem like the type to condemn herself to slavery for anyone. She might turn to crime, or leave to seek fortune, but—again, she’s described as a selfish and power-seeking woman. There’s no getting out of slavery and it directly contradicts her main character traits. Plus, she seems like more of a long-term plan kind of girl (that’s just the vibe I got but I could be wrong) and one payment for her family is a very short-term solution.

One last thing—if SoulEaters can kill people by looking at them, why are they oppressed and enslaved? Can’t they just kill anyone who so much as breathes wrong? (You have TBD there though so I’m not too worried :DD)

Overall, I LOVE your character. She has a lot of antagonist-like attributes in a protagonist role and I’m here for it!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll

All right—Galahad! Top down…

Why do I always say top down? I always do top down. What’s going on.

All right, here we go! I like his mannerisms, they seem very real—especially the scar thing. However, his motivations confuse me—power and getting to live among common people? What? Please elaborate on this. Do you mean magical power rather than political power? Because right now I’m think political power and that doesn’t make any sense. Definitely go more in depth with his flaws!! And please give him more than one. Since you don’t have personality type filled in, I don’t really have any suggestions. (this is a shameless plug for the personality type box). It doesn’t have to be, like, MBTI or star sign or anything—just tell me who he is, in broad terms.

Another small contradiction—he hates non-magic users? See, I think “non-magic users” and my mind instantly connects it to “common people,” and one of his motivations is to live among common people. All of these contradictions can totally work, but you need to explain them more so I can see how they play out.

Okay, so it is political power. I think I’m starting to get the common people thing—because common people dislike magic users, right? And he wants to get rid of that prejudice? That’s what I’m getting (sorry if I’m wrong!!), but if that’s your explanation, that clash doesn’t work. He wants magic users to be able to live among common people, but he also wants them to be eternal rulers?

((oh boi i want an enchanted pistol now))

Okay, background helps a bit! I think I was mostly right with the prejudice thing. Still refer to above. (Also, god bless this angry fashion man. i love that he wanted to be a fashion designer and that he STILL does needlework. that is PRECIOUS).

((wait, the pistol is named grimoire ?? i lied i want 12))

I like the extra backstory in notes!! Although, actually, why is magic illegal? Like, he’s right—magic really could be helpful. He’s being a little crazy about it, but he’s right. Can you throw in whY magic is illegal? Even if it’s just a fearful leader, or an old religious policy, whatever. We must know why!

Overall, though, I really like the complexity and depth of character you have here. This looks like a lot of critique, but it’s really just me agonizing over one contradiction. We love when villains are actually somewhat justified, and this is a perfect example!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@that1_T0ad

Thank you for the critique; I'm not great with making characters. There are things I obviously forgot to put down and explain, so that really helped!

@Ella.Eli.Ellie.Elle

If you could possibly go over my character that would be amazing! Here she is: Invalid Character
It's a very preliminary profile of her and I know I have some plot holes in her characterization but if you could just give a once over it would mean a lot.

@Yamatsu