forum Hi! I will gladly critique your characters!
Started by @CharBar
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@AmmyPajammy

I already had this character critiqued by someone else, but I'm proud and wanna show off lol. As I said with them, if anything looks familiar, don't mention it out loud please.

This is the mysterious assistant to the richest man in the world: Mr. Perelli's assistant

Warning for implied incest and mentions of child abuse.

@CharBar

"> I already had this character critiqued by someone else, but I'm proud and wanna show off lol. As I said with them, if anything looks familiar, don't mention it out loud please.

This is the mysterious assistant to the richest man in the world: Mr. Perelli's assistant

Warning for implied incest and mentions of child abuse." @AmmyPajammy
ok,
in her appearance, is her hair the long type so it has to be tied up by a scarf, or does she do it regardless of the bodies she posses? Is she on the taller side of the height spectrum, or the shorter side?would she be considered a psychopath? define Mr. Perelli's physical affections. please. Are the souls of the possesed bodies still intact while she posses them, or are they crushed and are replaced by her own? Do they stay alive after being possessed? Is her original body the lifeless husk, or does every body she posses end up that way? where does Mr. Perelli operate within the black market?
those are the questions I think would be beneficial to your character most, but other than that, this is a very complex and interesting character, kind of creepy, but thats her vibe. Nice work

@AmmyPajammy

Thanks a bundle! And thank you for your insight. I'll explain myself a little bit more here, because there are some of your questions that have already been answered in other categories.

  • In case it wasn't obvious, everything written in Appearance has to do with her original comatose body. Her hair is tied up in the scarf so that it doesn't break anymore than it already has from her being unable to move.
  • She's on the short side because everyone of her listed race is short (average 5'4"), so that was something that I didn't feel the need to explain.
  • I thought I explained that her original comatose body is the lifeless husk, but if not I'll go back and check. I also explained that all bodies that she possesses eventually break mentally from the strain of having another person pushing it's mind to the side. The host body remains fine but the mind does not. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I suppose I should explain that she needs the host body's mind to stay intact in order for the possession to stick, because it's more like piggybacking rather than total control. So thanks for that.
  • Mr. Perelli is the head of an assassination's guild called The Society. Less the black market, and more an underground organization dedicated to controlling the political sphere from the shadows by getting rid of the right people so that he can influence those who are left.
  • I was really hoping that the term "physical affections" was self-explanatory, because otherwise I'd be getting into NSFW territory, and I don't feel comfortable publishing something like that on a site were a solid chunk of the membership is underage.

But other than that, thanks again for your feedback.

@CharBar

@alanye lets see,
first off, I really like the name, where did you get the idea?
What makes her sad? What makes her Happy? Does she like it when people try to comfort her when she is sad or upset? In what ways is she a warrior? What is she protecting her family from? What infuriates her most? Does she have a preference when it comes to her hobbies? Who was her favorite Power Ranger(believe it or not, that is actually a very valuable question)? What do you mean by "unless they previously try to hurt her"? Emotionally or physically? Is she strong Physically, Mentally, or Both? What triggers her as a feminist? Great occupations:) What kind of blue is her favorite? Plain strawberries or like, strawberries with chocolate? Is her grandfather still alive? What war did he fight in? What legion, achievements, ranks, etc did he earn? Can you go into more detail about the gauntlets? Do each turn into a sword and a shield or does one do a sword an the other a shield? Are they heavy? What are they made out of? By "diverse community" do you refer to the constant of people possessing powers? If so, what else makes her community diverse? Does she take any IB or AP classes? Is she smart, or is she on the duller side? What colors are the corgis? How old are they? YAAAAS HUFFLEPUFFS FTW! Waht does the piolet jacket look like? Is it in good condition?

@CharBar

@alanye for your second character,
Is there a reason why she changed her name to Jasper? I understand that some of my friends from places in asia change their names to more easy to pronounce ones, is that it for this character too? Will she use scissors like a normal person to cut it, or is she gonna use a katana or some thing? nice description on the body type. Does she cover those lines with makeup, or is she proud of them? What is Shadow? Is it a second spirit sort of thing, or is it more like a demonic ghost that haunts her and takes over her body at various times? How often does Shadow take over her body? Daily? Monthly? On rare occasions? When she is fighting? Any time it damn well pleases? In what ways is she dangerous and scary when mad? What makes her mad? Does she like practicing foreseeing languages and fighting tactics? What kind of pain ting does she like to do? Has any of it ever been featured anywhere over the past 500 years? Has she been recognized for her talent? What genre of reading does she like most? Is she confident in herself more than others, vice versa? Is she confident to the point of cockiness? What makes her scary? Mood, in general? What shade of green is her favorite? Does she like all types of pancakes, or just pancakes overall? Why was it that when she broke ties with Slip that shadow did not leave her, ending her immortality? Also, you are very brief on her personalty type, so please go into more detail on that. Does Shadow have some sort of bond with her? If so, what kind? What is her favorite baseball team? Does she enjoy watching baseball/sports? Like, cowboy boots or army boots? Definitely hipster. OH. so shadow can cause physical harm to her? Can he do this to others, if say, they touch her? Or does he have to be in possession of Jasper in order to hurt anyone else?
This is an extremely interesting character, and if you have ever read The Secrets Of The Immortal Nicholas Flamel, she definite reminds me of Scathach. Nice work!

@CharBar

@MajimePlease alright, for your character,
it might be a good idea to put her middle name in her name. What kind of green are her eyes? Peculiar motivations, but ok. Is there more motivations or does she just wake up in the morning like "HHHMMMM, is that the scent of a life taken for granted I smell???" ?In what ways is she twisted and dramatic? What does she like to paint, bake, and act? Clothes of choice? Please elaborate more on her personality type. Is it a vast collection of poisons, or more like a few proved possessions? What about people who are depressed due to PTSD and other mental depression disorders? Does she hold grudges against them too? Does Bartel accompany her where ever she goes? Does she get certain types of poison from her pufferfish? What is her ethnicity? Is she Scottish? Irish? WERE HER PARENTS WEEBS?
well, thats about all the questions I have, 8/10, would read book with her in it

@fyodears

@CharBar Firstly, thanks for the critique!
I already added her middle name heh^^ And her eye color is emerald green.
Omg, your "when Arabella wakes up" scene made me laugh, I lowkey wish she had the superpower to know when someone is wasting away their life, but sadly my story doesn't have fantasy in it.
For the rest of your questions, I'll make sure to answer them in Arabella's profile page:)
Thanks again!
P.D: Nope, her parents weren't weebs XD

@CharBar

@Lightningclaw13 lets take a look at your character,
Does she have horns? If so, what length and style? Also, love her name, what does it translate to? Where are her white spots? Are they like freckles? When she hums to herself, is it because she is bored, in deep thought, what motivates her to begin humming? And what does she hum? A song? She also seems a bit tall for a faun, could you elaborate on that? In what ways is her motivation "safety of the world"? Does she want to ensure the safety, or would she rather help others ensure safety? Is she indecisive when it comes to making big choices, or just all the time? When you say she is delicate, do you mean physically, mentally, or both? Hmm, seems like you don't know what a prejudice is. A prejudice is "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience." So it is like a hate based on the cover of a book. Is she prejudiced about people who don't take others seriously because of their timid/shy nature? Does she have any other talents? Not that dancing is a bad one, but normally characters have multiple talents. When does she like to stargaze, and where? Where is her home? What animals are native to her home? If she uses water magic, please try to incorporate this into the appearance of the character. Like, say her favorite necklace is a blue crystal she wears all the time, or she has water runes on she clothes. Stuff like that to let others know she is able to wield such a powerful element(same can go for the healing magic, but I think you did a good job at that with the eye color and the fur color). Ah, so she likes all animals so she can't choose a favorite? Might want to put that in Favorite animal. You might want to add somewhere that she is very forgiving, because that is what I pick up from her. What does her necklace look like?
Other than that, this is a pretty unique character, just be sure you can add more personality to her with dialogue or small actions, like the way her tail and ears twitch and move with her emotions great job! hope I helped

@sgadanwrites

These bios contain references to British culture. If you have any questions just ask me!

On the symbolism of the names:
Iain has a pretentiously long name- Iain Fionnlagh Lachlann Somerhairle Mac Domhnaill (Mac Donald). It's long, for one, because he has such a heavy burden to bear (more on that.) Fionnlagh (or Finlay) means "fair hero", referencing his white hair, Lachlann was a name used to refer to Norway in classic literature (loch + lann) since he has Viking ancestors and is part Norwegian. Somerhairle, or Somerled, means "summer wanderer" in Old Norse- the same name as his Celtic/Viking ancestor, and a reference to his never-ending "wandering."

Ciarán's middle name is Aodh. Aodh is a name that's been passed down in his family but has some special pride to it since he's from Donegal and is directly related to Aodh Ruadh. "Aodh" means "fire," directly correlating to his enthusiastic nature, while passing on the legacy of living, and dying, a rebel.

Calum's real name is Donal Malcolm Alasdair Roy MacKenzie. "Donal" is just an Anglicised version of Domhnall/Dòmhnall, "world-ruler." In the U.S. this name is usually Anglicised as "Donald" but not here though. His mother sensed he was meant to conquer the world. Malcolm is where his nickname "Calum" is derived from. The actual meaning of Irish or Scottish Gaelic "Colm/Colm Cille" is a dove or interestingly, scar. "Mael Colm," or "Malcolm," means "follower of Colm Cille" (St. Columba.) This could be interpreted as "follower of the dove" or "follower of the scar." Calum is deeply scarred, both inside and out, but never stops looking for internal peace.

Fiona is the feminine of Fionn ("fair"). She's stunningly beautiful. Her middle name, Meabh, is the modern Irish version of classic "Maeve," meaning "she who intoxicates." Maeve was a legendary queen of Connacht in the Tain Bo Cuailgne. Fiona is intoxicating (due to the love spell/curse) and is a queen in her own right.

Eithne, or Enya, means "seed or kernel." Eithne has so much potential to heal and make things grow.

Leif's real name is Leif Guðmundur Eriksson. Leif Eriksson. For those Americans and Canadians out there, you probably pronounced it as LEAF, but in Scandinavia, it's pronounced LAY-f. Leif's a very classic Old Norse name and is fairly rare, derived from "heir" or descendant. Leif's mother knew he was the son of a king (Odin) and that he was born to be an adventurer, honouring the legacy of Leif Eriksson (I).

Aksel- pays homage to legendary Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal. Tor- Well, you know…

Colin's middle name is Diarmuid as a nod to his and Fiona's mythical ancestor, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, the supposed progenitor of Clan Campbell.

As for Will… his last name is Wallace.

Calum: AUG A3 M1/Lochaber Axe
Glock 9mm

Weapons:
Iain:
4 throwing knives (distractions only)
Knife
Sgian dubh
Swiss Army Knife
Gae Bolg (more on that later)

Ciarán:
AK-47
Hand grenade
Shillelagh
Hurley (more on that)

Cathal:
War sycthe/SP5K
Beretta M9A1

Go raibh mile maith agat and tapadh leat for reading my obnoxiously long post!

@Lightningclaw13 group

@CharBar
I have fixed most of these but I'll answer you're questions anyway.
Yes, they're a mixed of goat and deer horns.
Her name means violet or just flower in some lanuages.
Some are on her face, like freckles, while the rest are on her hips and up her back and stomach. You can see it clearer in her gallery. (I still need to make a proper reference sheet for her lol)
She hums when she's bored or lost in thought and they're old folk songs of her people, since all fauns but her are dead in my universe. Fauns are tall in my universe, most average at 6'10''so she's still on the shorter side.
She wants to help ensure the safety of the world and helps others that do too.
She's indecisive all the time. (Kinda like me lol)
She's emotionally delicate, physically she actually really strong!
Honestly, I'm really bad at creating prejdueces. You explained it nicely though! I put it as "People don't take other shy people seriously because of their shy/timid nature" so hopefully that's better.
She's good at helping those who are injured and comforting others.
She'll stargaze anytime and any place she can.
I'm still trying to figure out exactlly where it is but it's up and a hill in the middle of the land the universe is.
Most smaller animals, like rabbits, squirels, birds, ect. and some larger animals like boars, deer, goats, ect.
Fauns don't wear clothes but she's a special case so she has clothes. I did change the neckleace color because the orange was out of place and it's now light faded green neckalce with a blue star so I hope that counts lol
I put this for her favorite animal "All animals (She can't pick)."
You can look at it in her gallery!
Thank you again! I do plan to do that. It helped a lot! =D

@CharBar

@Celestial-B Hey B! I forgot, but I think we have talked before…..hm. anyways I will gladly look at your characters
first one
I have a real life friend who's name is Harmony and we call her Sing-Song. What color is her gemstone? What was her older brother's name? Does she blush when she is embarrassed or feels awkward? What does she hum? Random jingles from company commercials, favorite songs, catchy songs? What makes her nervous? What makes her scared? whys it so bad that she is completely human? Why is this not acceptable with the Crystalites? What happens when a Crystalite's gemstone becomes corrupt? Do all different crystallite families have different types of minerals? If so, do the Crystalites with more precious stones (ex: Gold, Silver, Ruby, Emerald) exhibit wealth, or is it just their name based on the stone? In what ways is she childish? In what ways does she mature? What events take place in which she has the change of maturity? Are her parents strict? Has she ever tried to escape her home? Has she ever been punished for her behavior, if so? What is the Aventurine family power? Where does her family go in the day? I can imagine that Crystallites look very much like humans, do they? Are there any differences between humans and Crystalites, other than the gem embedded into their bodies? What families do her friends belong to? What style of fighting does she practice? What makes her sad? What makes her angry? Wonderful occupation. 10/10 easy job. I see what you did there, birthday god. What threats can humans possibly present against Crystalites? OMG I LUV UR DRAWING!!! Ok, so explain this whole Crystaline predicament to me. When did they invade? Did they invade with immediate violence, or did they take a peaceful approach that somehow turned against them? If the later, what event occurred that made the Crystaline kill on sight. Why do they kill on sight? What kind of powers do they posses? Is their power linked to their type of gemstone? So, the "System" Is the government from what I can tell, right? and is it more of an oligarchy or a tyranny? What is the relation between Harmony's parent sand the Aventurine family? Why are they friends? what motivated them to take in Harmony vs kill her?

I could ask questions for hours and praise you about this entire concept, but I think this will do for know. Also, I remember where I know you from: You helped me critique my first character, Oze McBean! I know that I am kind of turning the tables here, but I was wondering if you would do me a favor and critique my second character for me, please. His name is Max and he lives in the same universe as Oze, in fact they are/were best friends. so, here is he link and please critique him for me, I trust you with my babies.

@Celestial-B

Oh haha, small world huh xD (more like small website lol)
I'll go ahead and fix some of the questions you had for her, thanks for the critique! (and thats funny that you have a friend named Harmony lol)

I just added like, almost the whole thing about the Crystalites in the Notes on Harmony's character profile. So if you want to read about them more you can go there :3

Sure! I'd be glad to critique yours!

He does seem to be a bit skinny for his height maybe add another 50-75 ish pounds? I honestly have no idea how much he should weigh because he is so tall lol. How did he get that scar over his nose and how long has he had it for? Maybe you should give him a few more flaws? Idk like 2 probably. The ones he has now are fine, I think a few more would be better though :D. What does he like to cook? How did he get into sewing? Lol I love his personality, its so cute. Lol, you mentioned your still working on the story so I won't pick at you too much. What is the Opposite? How old was he when all of this happened. What is Sanctuary and why did he go there of all places? Where did he know Oze from before he found him again?

So thats all I got lol. Good luck and thanks again for the critique :3

Libraleap

Hey, I have a slightly underdeveloped main character and I was hoping you could give me some feed back on him! If you don't want to thats find but I was hoping someone could critique for me and I'm so sorry I'm rambling here's Herne. Herne Liam McKalley