forum Hey, I have a bunch of characters in need of serious work. Can anyone help?

Started January 22, 2018 by @@NothingHappened871

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Hi! I have finished all my characters that will be named in the story for now other than Cassia (she's a work in progress). I don't mean to be needy, but @CinnamonRoll never fails to amaze me with his/her critiques (or none of the named genders, I do not mean to assume). I have 7 characters linked so if it is too much work, I understand. But you don't have to do all of them if you do decide to critique. London has already been critiqued before, but id anybody wants to add any advice or extra advice on these characters, it would be super helpful!

London Leylind: London Rune Leylind
Jais Leylind: Jais Leylind
Rowan Leylind: Rowan Leylind
Tristan Leylind: Tristan Leylind
Kimber Brooks: Kimber Brooks
Ari Bramble: Ari Bramble
Adrienne Clover: Adrienne Clover

I'm not going to link Cassia because I have just started her and only have her name in. Whenever I finish her, I will make a critique for her. Thank you guys so much for taking your time to do these!

as best i saw with London it seemed like his mother running away was just sort of glossed over, my recommendation would be to delve deep into that because that would be something that is going to greatly effect who he is as a person

He never knew her, so it didn't really effect him at all. He doesn't remember the first year of his life and he has always grown up without a mother so it seems natural to him to grow up without a mother. Anyways, his sister acts pretty motherly.

I'm. Gonna. Have. A. STROKE!! These shoutouts fuel me SO MUCH!!! THANK YOU!!! (Just a plain old 'she' over here :D )

And hey, I've got way too much free time, so let's just go through everyone! Wait. I think I've already reviewed London, so I'm gonna save him for last as those critiques will probably be minimal.

Jais first! Top down, of course…

Ooh, okay, he's seven. That's gonna make this a difficult critique, but let's try. See, usually I'd scream about motivations and prejudices, but…. seven. ;P Although I would actually add prejudices! I can imagine that he looks up to his older brother, and therefore would have similar opinions/prejudices. Just a thought! Also, you note that he is calm when angry, but also has bottled-up rage. These two can totally work in tandem, but only if that calmness is a front. If it's not, these don't work together very well. If it IS, put it down!

Oh God, you better tell me more about this butter knife. Why is his favorite possession a butter knife??? I mean, I love it; it's adorable!! But I must know!!! Wait, it's right underneath it. I'm ~observant~

All right, backstory!! I would generally ask for more here, but I think you explained most of the traits in their own fields. However, I would like to know more about this gang that killed his mom. Maybe it's in London's backstory (or someone else's), so this is sort of a critique on standby. :)

All right–Rowan!!

Dang, what's with this family and their origami? It's super pure!!

RED FLAG. No prejudices? None? That just… doesn't happen. I know she's technically deceased, so a lot of these little fields will be non-relevant, but everyone has prejudices, even if they don't want to admit it. Add something–anything!!

Hmm, no politics? This isn't a huge deal, not in your universe, but I always find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-ness. It's weirdly helpful!!

Question about education–if she can read, write, and speak other languages, but never went to school, who taught her? Add that. Otherwise this is unrealistic.

HOLD UP!! She's alive? WHAT?? Woah–woah there. Give me a minute. Good Lord.

Other than giving me a heart attack, her backstory seems to tie everything in pretty well!! You could add little ~details~ if you want, but you hit all of the major points (except prejudices–be sure to tie that in when you add them!)

NEXT UP! Tristan….

HOLY– First off, my man Tristan is CRAZY underweight. Minimum average for a 6'5" male is like 190 pounds. And you say that he's muscular/broad, so it should be even more than that.

Motivations: definitely realistic. Although it contradicts with the next field. Also, if he lives long enough to have 3 kids, I feel as if he would have other motivations–don't discard his current one; just add more on top of it.

Hmm, so he hates the corrupt government but has no politics? He's obviously involved; is he into anarchy? Reforms? A new system? Also, staring at his own eyes–vanity? Put it in the personality page!!

Very good backstory!! I have a bit of a better grasp on him now, although I definitely thing you should add more motives. Also, you talk about all these people he loves; it paints this faithful picture that undermines the fact that you said that he is inclined to cheat.

All righty–Kimber time!!

Can I be a Siren? Because they sound awesome.

"Brown skinned, not" I think that you might have trailed off here (it's in the skin tone field) and I just though I would point it out in case that 'not' is something important.

Ooh, wanderlust!! That's always a fun motive to work with; makes for a restless character! Everything's lookin' gùd~~

um. Um. UM. U M M. She doesn't have a history page?? Okay, that's not good. That's very bad. Please fix immediately–I love her and I want to know why she is who she is! Even if she's a minor character, backstory is important (not to mention super fun!!)

Well well well, if it isn't time for Ari….

"It's a very big bun" <– that little blip just made me very happy for some reason? God knows why. I would kill for hair like that.

Hmm, so her motives include ending the Sirens, but she's not prejudiced against them? I'm assuming she is.

Okay, I love her personality (sometimes girls just wanna have fun!!) but if I remember correctly, she was with Tristan for five years. (I think it was her anyway). This kind of contradicts, although it does work with her prejudices, so…. yeah. That's a little messy; I would think a little deeper and work to smooth it out.

RED FLAG. She's a queen… but no politics? Use the magic liberal scale! Make her a diehard Republican! I don't mind, but leaders need SOME sort of political inclinations.

Good Lord, you say that she was raised by wild tigers and then drop the topic entirely. If you're gonna do something as extreme as that, you need to add a LOT more detail. Other than that, there aren't too many gaping holes in the backstory.

Adrienne!!!

PROBLEM. Okay, she's neutral; cool! That's great! But everyone has prejudices, no matter how hard they try to hide them. Something, anything!

• coughs * magic liberal scale? For politics? Please?

Oh no. No. No backstory? None whatsoever? Wasn't she literally murdered by a vengeful gang? Because I feel like that warrants SOME sort of explanation!!! I don't care how minor she is, add SOMETHING!

Okay, I promised I would look at London again! These are getting shorter because my fingers hurt (yeet), but here we go!

Bud's underweight! If he's muscular 5'11", he's gonna weigh (I'm guessing) upwards from 160! Minimum average for that height is 155.

If I remember correctly, I'd asked for more backstory with him, so we're gonna jump there… Again, I think it's important that you add more about this gang! I've read a bit about it in other backstories, so perhaps no edits yet? If so, that's cool; I'd just add it, seeing as he's the MC.

OKAY! Wow, that was a lot, and my hands KILL. (I'm weak, don't judge!) But I definitely thing you have a super well-developed universe here. We've got languages, planets… dang. I'm impressed. The characters all fit smoothly into the universe, which is really impressive!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD Thanks again for the shoutout!! ;P

Okay, I'll respond from the top down. Thanks for responding so quickly!

1. I'll make him have the same prejudices as his brother. The calmness is a front. He tries not to show his anger after his dad yelled at him that one time.

2. I'll add prejudices for Rowan but I'm sort of clueless for her. She doesn't really hate anybody or anything. She's not mad she lives on the planet because she knows that everything has a reason, and it was her reason to be living on Ken'o. If you want to suggest possible prejudices, that would be great :P

3. I'll male a liberal scale and put all of them on there.

4. Rowan learned how to read because the Sirens taught her. She goes to the forest every day so she gets plenty of practice in.

5. I accidentally calculated Tristan's weight for females lol I'm an idiot

6. I'll add more motives in there. He doesn't care that much about his kids though.

7. You're right about the politics thing. He'd into anarchy or a government where he has power. I'll stick this in.

8. Quite a vain little dude Tristan is (except not little)

9. Whoops, forgot to delete the word 'not.' I had previously written something else but deleted it and forgot that word.
   facepalms

10. Crap. I knew I was forgetting something. I'll have to add the history pages. It did seem a little short when I was making the character.

11. Okay, Ari is prejudiced against the Sirens.

12. Ari was only with Tristan for a year, only long enough to have a baby with him. Rowan and London were five years apart though.

13. I kind of like Ari as a diehard Republican type of person.
    Squeals with excitement for no apparent reason because I do random crap like that.

14. Okay I'll get the wild tigers thing m=back in there. She still likes to eat her meat raw though.

15. I need help coming up with prejudices, I have no clue whatsoever. It has to be something small though.

16. One magic liberal scale coming right up!
    "Umm, ma'am? I asked for extra ketchup. You gave me honey mustard."
    "Go die in a hole. Next please!"

17. Oh dear me, I do keep on forgetting the backstory, don't I?

18. I think I'm absolutely hopeless with weight to height ratios.

19. I'll add more backstory to London.
    Currently going to ice my hands and wrists from typing

Ow ow ow. Thank you so much for the critiques! I appreciate them as I am a horrible critique person. It helped me soooo much!

Ooop I love doing this omg and plus there is so many this is my dream

1. First, London! I'm pretty sure i've critiqued him before so i'm gonna skip this one..
2. Ok, now Jais. So this is his little brother! Good to know x3
   Alright! Height and weight are good. One thing I found is when you explained his body type. You said 'Not skinny but not fat.' and that he was normal sized. Then, you said that he is slightly chubby. I think all these things slightly contradict each other. Either he's kinda chubby, or he isn't :D. Now, I like the mannerism but I don't think its exactly a 'mannerism', maybe more of a talent? A mannerism would be like, rubbing his hands together when hes nervous, or hiding his head when he is embarrassed. I was going to say something about his motivations, but then I realized that character development is hard lol and sometimes you just aren't sure of some things.
   Alright, this is a big no no. You said he has 0 prejudices; that isn't possible and it makes him 10 times less human. Even, if he is still young, children have prejudices. Like my sister, shes 9 and thinks all bugs are out to kill her lol. It doesn't even have to be important, just something like that will do just fine. Aw, his hobbies are so cute lol, they make him feel much more like a little kid <3.
   Mmmm I love that you explained why that is his favorite color, doing small things like that help show the characters personality much better, and the same thing with the food! So everything else seems pretty good!
3. Rowan! Love the name btw
   Ahh, so she is the dead sister that the two had. Makes a lot of sense now. Good explanation of the hair and eyes, it helps me picture here better (if there wasn't already a picture of her). Ooh good mannerisms!! They really show her personality! And again with the prejudices. I guess she is dead so they aren't that important, but for anyone else, prejudices really help develop the character and show why their motivations are what they are.
   Again, I like how you explain why they like the things they do! Many people forget to do that. Why is her favorite animal a fox? Other than that, she is well developed!
4. Now, Tristan~ Oooff that is so funny, I have the same scar across my eyebrow just like him lol.
   Good mannerisms, seems pretty realistic to me! His flaws also seem realistic too, because that actually happens a lot irl. Now that is a realistic prejudice too, good job! Ok I found something, you say his talent is making all women love him? That sounds kinda bad, idk how to explain it but it doesn't sound right. I'd suggest putting 'is very charming and can make anyone fall for him' Something like that. Now, you also say that his hobbies are unknown, but you said he knows how to make honeyed beef! That is a hobby you can put there! For his personality type, you only said he is confidant, i'm sure you can put more than that!
   His favorite color made me laugh xD. That sounds like something he would do. You said in his favorite possession that it was from London's mother after she ran off, does he know why she ran off? You could maybe put that there too.
   Alright, I think I might do the rest of them later, but I hope I helped you with what I did do! <3