forum Hey can one of you fine people take the time to critique my two mains?
Started by Caboose
tune

people_alt 3 followers

M

Personally I think that your universe idea in general has much in common with The Mortal Instruments series, but the characters look great! Make sure to proofread your descriptions though.

@CinnamonRoll

Hi there!! I'm going to start with Jacqueline (LOVE that name)! Okay, top down…

Really nice job with appearance! I'm especially interested in those tattoos. :))

Stunning job on nature!! Everything seems to flow very well. Organization-wise, I would move the "rarely opens up" thing to flaws–honestly, I was going to suggest you add that, but it was just further down! One thing I would pay more attention to is hobbies. Say it with me: everyone has a personal side! Not necessarily soft, but definitely personal. She needs hobbies to give her more depth. Jacqueline is stunning in how well all of her traits go together, but she's actually relatively flat. (In that everything flows TOO well). Even her talents are related to the story–what's with that? I always try to spice in a couple talents that don't matter at all. Maybe she's a good cook, or she's always been good at sketching architecture, etc. Something small that might come up, but more importantly, you as the author know that about your character. Same thing goes for hobbies! Maybe she likes to do something that she can't do. That doesn't mean that she doesn't like it! Maybe crochet, or sketching, or wine tasting. I don't know. Something a little different from her brash, harsh, wild personality.

I adore the backstory you have set up! I assume Richter is a demon, and I love how this challenges her prejudice. I do have one key note. Why the torture? I mean, I understand the desire for some good old whump and horror. However, you just describe the 'contract' to me as 'whoever KILLS a member of her family.' So why wouldn't they just kill her? Now, if you amend that in any way, it makes sense that they would torture her. But as that contract stands, it doesn't make sense at all.

Other than those notes, she's a wonderful character! That's just two notes and me being long-winded. Amazing job–I'd be interested to read this!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll

I'll also do Richter–I've got time! Here we go, top down…

I have to ask–why do they call him Richter? Is that his surname? Maybe you'll address that later, but I thought I would ask.

Appearance looks good to me!

Okay, where's his nature? I know nothing about his personality now. That's kind of a huge problem. I don't think I need to tell you why–just tell me what he's like! I want to know! That's a super important section.

Wow. Really, really nice job with the backstory and definitions!! You did a super impressive job worldbuilding here. It shows, I promise. I honestly can't find any major issues? I also love the concept that he used to be a doctor. That could present a super interesting character struggle with the Hippocratic Oath–I'm sure you've already considered that, but it would be SUPER cool to see. If that's not addressed at all, definitely fix that.

All in all, everything here is beautiful and I'm genuinely shocked that you don't have his nature filled out. Once you have that, I see a super interesting and dynamic character!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

Caboose

tbh I'm still figuring the curse thing out. But I'm planning short stories for these characters it's going to be a series titled Ash and Richter. Richter is his surname and he just doesn't tell people his first name because he's set himself up as this badass dude like he drives a muscle car, talks cool and looks cool but before all that he was a nerdy kid who finished med school. Yeah, the pair eventually becomes best friends. And his muscle car is alive.

I've got plans like when they meet Jacqueline tries to kill Richter cause he's in demon form. Then he sort of blackmails her into working with him because he figures it'd work since they are both in the business of sending monsters back to hell.

Caboose

Also I lucked out with the name Richter. I had the idea for the character and Richter just popped in my head so I googled it and it means Judge which is perfect to his vigilante like demon side.