I've posted this on Critiques also. I'm looking at @CinnamonRoll and @Mish because you all were really helpful before and I need help with this new character. I'm also looking at @Claire because I've heard that she has good critiques. That doesn't mean that anybody else can't comment!
Here's the character:
You can roast me to the ground if you want XD
I'd be glad to help! :D~~~
First, you put a lot of description into his looks which I think helps me picture him so much better then 'his hair is'. So good job for that!
You said 'He is muscular and not tan but not pale either.' Which I find a bit confusing. Be more specific!! Say 'He is a a bit more tan than white.' or something like that or you could even say something like 'He has a fair skin tone'. Also, you repeated the same thing in his skin tone and body type. I recommend saying he has muscles and works after school in the body type. Also, I think you could also put more information into it. For example, 'he has a slender body but is very tall'
Next, for his motivations, tell me why he wants to get off the planet and who his little brother is? Also on his personality type, when you say he is reserved and overprotective but at other times he is reckless, I think they kinda contradict each other.
Ah I really like how you explain how their world's months work different! It really gets the point across about how different his world is from ours.
Nice backstory! It explains a lot of things I was questioning so that is good! That is what backstories are supposed to do.
Also, I really like the drawing of him! It gives me a better picture of what he looks like!
Good job with the character! I hope I helped and good luck! :DDD
OH MY GOD I KEEP GETTING THESE SHOUTOUTS AND I MIGHT HAVE A STROKE THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY!!! :DDDDD
And OFC character reviews are, like, me addiction, SO! Top down…
Generally I don't critique looks, and everything looks gùd to me, so onto the personality page!! Okay, starting off with mannerisms… I'm kind of torn about this section. While all of the things listed are amaze, I feel like they're more ~quirks~ than ~mannerisms.~ This might just be me! Like I said, everything listed is awesome; it just seems like it's in the wrong section. I find it helpful to list physical tics, like nail-biting or toe-tapping, especially if you can find a way to tie the tics into past experiences. The rest is pretty good, overall. Just a quick caution from me: do. A. Crap. Ton. Of. Research. If you're writing a schizophrenic character, you have to be REALLY careful to do it right. Otherwise you'll lose some of his depth. I must say that I especially enjoy the emphasis on his family; reserved unless he can help. Although when you say he is reckless, you say it is to help anyone. I just assumed you meant family/friends, but I would emphasize that–otherwise, like @Celestial-B said, it's a blatant contradiction.
Okay, everything on social looks to be in order, except for one thing: no government? Looking to some of the other things listed, I'm assuming that this is a bit of a run-down planet, but there has to be some semblance of leadership. Gangs, some rich guy, how cares. Also, I find it helpful to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-ness–it helps me understand how they'd react to certain problems.
Background explains quite a bit; great job!! :P One thing that I would do is add more about his little brother. He's been mentioned a lot, and I feel like it would be important to weave him into the backstory a little more deeply.
Overall: definitely a strong character!! A few things need to be smoothed out, but not that much!! Deepen a few connections and I think you've got an awesome main character on your hands!!!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD (And thank you again for the shoutout!!)
Really nice character :D The story sounds super solid and interesting :)
Ok~ time to give my thoughts ^^
All the information regarding his personality was a little shallow? Like it's a great start but really try to add more so I can know London better :D One thing I loved were the mannerisms! "Says sorry to just about everything" omg love it! Another thing you can add to are his talents. You listed two, but you didn't really explain them. You could add why he's talented at those things, how he worked at building this skills, how they affect him, what they could add to the story etc… Also, its fun to add quirky things he would be good at. I like the origami thing, tell us a little more about it :D The two other comments on this thread mentioned this one thing but I have to point it out to: add more about his family :) The younger brother and older sister characters sound important, and I wish I knew more about their relationship.
So overall, you are definitely on the right track! Just keep adding more :D
Happy writing <3
Okay, I love this character. I feel like he's the kind of person I'd love even if I found the other characters in the book insufferable. Couple things though:
Lovely character! I wish you the best of luck with your story!
@Celestial-B first: Thanks so much for the critiques! I'm sooo happy people respond to these!!!
I'll fix the skin tone and the body type thing
He wants to get off the planet because he wants to get a better life for his little brother and for him. After all, it is the prisoner/trash planet
Okay, the personality type type thing is a little wonky. I meant to say that London is super overprotective of his family, but say his little brother wanted a stuffed animal. He would throw himself off a house to get that stuffed animal for his little brother, and would make sure his brother was tucked away safely in the house. He doesn't want his brother to get harmed because he already lost one sibling and doesn't want the same thing to happen to his other one. I'll rewrite the personality type thing, though. It is sort of confusing now that I'm reading it myself.
Thanks for the compliments! It means I did something right!
@CinnamonRoll second: Thank you for responding!!
I'll put in a section for quirks and change over all the stuff from mannerisms to quirks; I see what you mean now that I'm reading over it
I have a friend from my old school that is schizophrenic, and I 'm doing a lot of research. I've been working on this character for a couple of weeks, and half of that time was research :P
I'll fix the personality thing and I went in more detail when I responded to @Celestial-B about that so if you want to read it, you can.
There is no government, but there are gangs. Lots of gangs. Some are secret, some are not, but the last time a gang tried to take control of the people they got shot down in less than a week.
I'll add a lot more to the little brother, I haven't been focusing on him as much lately so I'll start working with him again
Thank you for spending your precious time helping my character! (If that sounds mean, it wasn't supposed to. I'm 110% sincere)
@Grace<3
I'll go more in depth with his talents, I realize that they sound sort of weird without any reason of why he has them
I'm starting back on the little brother character but the older sister character is dead so should I make a character for her? I will if you think I should, but I'm undecided for now.
Thank you for congratulating the "says sorry too much" thing! I do the exact same thing so I just felt like I should put it in there because its like London and I have a deeper connection that way.
I hope you have happy writing days!
@alice O'Mally
I'll up his weight a little more
The attacker was a part of the same gang that killed his older sister. He tried to attack London and stabbed his hand. London got his own dagger out and fought him, which ended in the attacker's death. He then wrote a note and put it by the body that said that that was what any member that tried to attack him was going to get. The gang hasn't attacked him since, but London is still overprotective of his brother. I'll add this into the story later.
He isn't Canadian XDD
He isn't in immense pain often but if he twists his ankle in the trash piles while working or something like that, he calls that immense pain. He's got zero pain tolerance, although he's trying to make it so that he can stand some pain.
He's smarter than most people because he reads his sisters books. She had found the entire set in the trash. He isn't super smart, but he's probably the smartest in the city. Workers ask him how to fix stuff all the time while he's working at the trash pile. He solves simple problems that sound hard. Like if the person asks him how to fill a bucket with water but the bucket has a hole in the bottom? He just throws it in the river. It's technically full then. Sorry, I may have taken this problem from another show somewhere, if I have will somebody tell me where because I remember seeing this problem on TV when I was little.
I'll fix the mispelling
I responded to the gang thing a few responses up but no gang has enough power to take over the entire city yet.
Lavender purple is amazing!
He knows how to read really well and he knows how to write because his sister taught him but he isn't the best at spelling. I'll stick that under his education.
Thank you for the compliments on the background; I tried my best to make it sound realistic.
Happy writing to you too!
hello there, in Tristan Leylind's info it says London's mom ran off an hour after giving birth but i don't believe someone who just gave birth would be able to walk or is there some way she could've gone without walking
Okay, London's mom is a race called Draqx, who are super strong forest dwellers. Some of them have the ability to shape-shift into an Amphithere. These are two winged, no legged creatures. I would make these a race, but I don't have a premium subscription. Anyways, that's beside the point. Draqx have the ability to get up and run away an hour after birth because they are strong creatures, way stronger than Kliln. To them, if they break a bone it feels liek someone scratched their arm. If you slapped them it would be like a feather brushing them. Therefore, having a baby is like pooping through the wrong hole. I should have added this somewhere but I forgot so I'll put it under her character whenever I make her.
*like
oh i see