I have a character who was (physically) abused by her dad and another neglected by both parents, so does anyone have any tips for what to do and not do? Even better if you have, like, examples (uh,, hopefully not firsthand but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,) of what it's like? Thanks bros
one thing that happens in these situations is that the child doesn't trust easily
they can also be shy and closed off for fear of annoying someone enough for them to do it too
one thing not to do is to have them tell every person they meet, thats private and tmi
another thing is that you shouldnt have them as an extrovert, unless this is just a facade to hide their true feelings
dont have them seem perfect, and try to include moments in which they arent
im not speaking from experience, but my mum teaches disengaged/special needs kids so i kind pick up on things from her
hope this helps :)
Thank you! I think I'm doing well so far then woot woot
I write an abused boi but he's a bit older and has been sexually abused, which is a TOTALLY different ball park than physical and neglect. He's been abused by a lover who did all three (sexually, mentally, physically), so if this is a bit off I'm sorry. But I might be able to help!
Usually, the hardest traits I show in him are shiness, unwillingness to put himself out there for a positive for himself (example, if someone is staring at him, he will not stand and ask them to stop, but to keep trucking through it), and flinching and always always looking to his safe spots around the opposite gender, no matter the person. They could be the kindest woman alive (or in your case, man) and he would still look to that safe spot.
Another thing I think that mainly pertains to sexual abuse (but still nice to know if you want to ever write a character who has undergone it) is bedrooms. They will not allow people to see their body, will always dress in another room, and gets reallllly nervous when someone is walking to their bed to lay down with them.
And neglect would affect their eating habits, I know that for sure. Your character will either eat too little or too much at one time, possibly making themselves sick/poisoning themself just out of habit.
And please please please get them therapy if they are older/fostered. Because trauma never ever goes away, and having that message even in the smallest of books will help so much.
Hope this helps a smidge!
Thank you both aaa
Also even though some of that wasn't exactly what I needed, a lot was so yeehaw thanks
boosting this because yeehaw
sksksk sadly i have a tiny bit of first hand experience so uh-
one thing i notice, is irrational fear of random associated things
like, for me, i hate slamming doors or stomping footsteps (bc it's associated with 'i'm about to be hurt')
so lets say your character is afraid of those too, hypothetically right now
if a door slams, even in a public place, they'll immediately have that 'feel their heart stop' fear, sometimes the 'fight or flight' instinct kicks in too
they might feel like they need to hide if they hear someone stomping, even if they're in a very safe place
also, raised voices/yelling? terrifying. again, even in public or safe places, it triggers that fear and that feeling of dread sinking in your chest.
so like, that kind of thing, but with whatever it is your character associates with a bad time
also, this is from a more,, personal?? standpoint i guess.
if they get counseling, it's difficult to spit the words out
it can be hard to tell anyone anything, to open up at all, or to just,, express their emotions
it can literally feel like you have to force the words out
but this isn't the same for everyone of course!! everyone has different ways of reacting to things, this is just a few ideas for you to work with ahgfsdf-
i uh, hope this helps!
So, with physical abuse it's pretty clear cut that it's abuse, right? But with neglect and emotional/verbal abuse things get ~weirder~. A lot of times, a character might be in denial that they're being abused because it's not physical, so the character may feel that they're blowing things out of proportion or being too dramatic. Another big thing about abuse is that it's all about the power imbalance. The abuser is usually a control freak who likes to flaunt authority/power over the person being abused. It can be little things, like highlighting the fact that the abused can't leave the situation, or can't contact anyone else because the abuser has cut off access to the outside world, etc. Even like controlling the things the abused eats is a way to flaunt that power imbalance.
Like the above comment said, triggers exist and can be really weird. A character might get uncomfortable with doors slamming or yelling, but they can also get uncomfortable with weird sounds, like a garage door opening or someone running upstairs. Music can be a trigger too…heck, even a season can be a trigger. Like seasonal depression, but kinda different because the season is associated with bad things happening. For example, I'm not a fan of summer, particularly July, because it's always been kinda terrible.
Sibling solidarity is a cool thing to add in an abuse situation. Sometimes siblings will find comfort in each other, other times they might be jealous of each other if one gets special treatment, etc. The sibling dynamic is interesting to explore in an abuse situation. Showing how differently they react can be a way to ground the story and make it feel more realistic.
Some characters get visibly depressed or anxious. Some laugh and get reckless and numb. Some cry. Some get angry and violent. Some vow to never become like their parents, only to become exactly like their parents. Some drink, some smoke, some gamble. Some actually have healthy coping mechanisms, like writing or therapy. It all depends on the character.
This is just my experience, I'm no expert or anything lol. Good luck!
Thank you both!!
Nah lots of people get anxious at loud noises like doors slamming. In the case of trauma, the noise brings back a specific type of anxiety associated with unpleasant events.
Oh, ok lol
Wanted to add to the "noises/elements that triggers", I think some other common factors (in my experience?) are 1) alcohol/drugs; if the abuser was "only abusive under the influence of something", the victim may develop a fear and distaste for whatever "caused" the abuser to act out the way they did, whatever made them hurt the victim. They might even fully blame the element of alcohol, for example, for their abuse, and may develop a strict no-drinking policy or even police other people because they're scared to see anyone turn into the type of person who could hurt them, or anyone else 2) blaming sources, even people, outside the relationship; for example, a child may villainize their parent's job for taking so much of the parent's time, leading to neglectful behavior, or may blame the friends or coworkers that are always inviting the parent out of the house and "stealing" them from the child. Even though it is, by all means, a parent's responsibility to be there for their child, to make time for them, the child wants to believe that the neglectful parent isn't at fault because they're desperate for love and attention. ((Also, more of a side note, and I don't know how valid this is because it's from 11th grade honors English but my teacher was kind of a hippie haha, SO: we were studying Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison and basically, the character Cholly may have developed narcissism because of his constant abandonment by parental figures and caretakers; people with Borderline Personality Disorder for example also tend to develop symptoms from childhood trauma, such as abuse and/or neglect; point is, if you do the right research it can be beneficial and realistic to have a character who is almost/completely antagonistic because of a mental disorder they've developed due to trauma. Up to you.))
Just, in general, projection is a huge thing among victims I believe, especially towards the start, though this can go on for the entirety of the abusive relationship: finding other things/other people to blame, everything EXCEPT the abuser (INCLUDING YOURSELF!!! THE VICTIM WILL ALWAYS BLAME THEMSELVES FIRST, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE ABUSER IS LIKELY TO FEED THEM THAT VERY IDEA), because you don't want to believe that someone who claims to love you/is supposed to love you, would act this way of their own volition. This is of course just ONE way of processing trauma, everything else that's been said here is very very valid and I don't really have much else to add. Good luck!
I write a character who was grown in a lab and literally doesn't have any parents. He is clinically depressed, but he hides his depression behind a shield of anger. He's very violent, and a pretty big trouble maker, but he's broken and sad inside. This is a symptom of abuse.
I read a book series about one of the main character's friends who was verbally abused as a child and teen. And he hid behind a wall of jokes where he would joke about his problems so everyone would laugh and he always had a joke for everything. But when he is with the girl he likes he takes her seriously instead of making fun of her and making jokes. And if you want to know the name of the book series just message me.