Hey guys I need some help with my characters and making them more original! Here are the characters
Rain Bella Melodia- Invalid Character
Valentina Lalor Callisto - Invalid Character
Starla Irie Ravenswood- Invalid Character
Clarabelle Violet Johnson- Invalid Character
This will take me some time….
You can choose 1,don't gotta do all of them. Rain is my newest character
Okie dokie! I'm probably still gonna do all of them though, for I need something to do right now! Lol
CLARA
- Overview
All great info here. Can't critique.
- Looks
Height and weight match up nicely.
This should help with describing skin.
'Pieces of lamp from when her father threw one at a wall.' Do you mean that she has scars from the shards of glass embedding into her skin?
What kind of tattoos?
Add more mannerisms. Maybe she clenches her fist when she's getting angry.
Protecting those she cares about, herself, and her bar can be great motivations.
She seems like an interesting character, and her backstory, though sad, could use some more info. How'd she come to own a bar, how'd she meet her friend, etc.
I have a few notes on Rain Bella Melodia:
1) You described her as unhealthily skinny, and yet 130 lbs is a perfectly healthy weight for someone of her height. Underweight (not critically so) is generally considered 110 or lower for women 5'5" and above. A little research never hurts in character creation :)
2) If her main motivations survival, I find it hard to believe that she would not eat "out of forgetfulness", since hunger is one of our main primal instincts. You made a better justification for her poor diet due to her crappy life-situation; maybe she can't afford to eat three meals a day or her body rejects healthy quantities of food due to a lack of it in childhood and development. Those all make good sense and could also be limiting factors in her attempts to recover as well. Not eating because she "forgot" doesn't hold as much situational impact or merit.
Other than that she seems like a solid character. You've clearly thought a lot about her situation and nature, so while you were kinda vague on the descriptions it all made sense. Just think through logistics and practicality a bit and I think you'll have something strong to work with :)
Rain:
- Waaaay too many nicknames. Tone that way down.
- Probably needs some identifying marks that aren't about her powers. I either have them be instantly noticeable features/scars, or don't mention them at all.
- Definitely needs more flaws, poor communication and forgetfulness aren't really flaws, just pet peeves
- That's not a prejudice, that's an outlook.
- Needs much more personality, and only being at peace with herself doesn't really line up with her other characterization thusfar (namely that she doesn't think she'll be okay again)
Valentina:
- Again, the nicknames. Too many nicknames can and will bog down the story
- Definitely put how old she looks
- 125 lbs is pretty underweight for a 5'11" immortal, she should be at least 10 pounds heavier
- Why is vampire spelled two different ways in her profile?
- 'Uptight' isn't a mannerism, it's a trait. Mannerisms would be that she's always scowling, or crosses her arms, or stands stiffly.
- Being a loner isn't really a flaw, and not liking everyone she meets instantly definitely isn't a flaw.
- Her prejudice is very vague. What does she feel is close-minded about people? Is she referring to sexism, racism, queerphobia, etc. or just generally being stubborn? Is she aware that she, by having that mindset, is close-minded as well?
- Mmmmmmm not sure if 'sadistically' is the word you mean there, and she needs a lot more personality
- Is she an atheist or agnostic? And does being a vampire have anything to do with her religious beliefs (or in this case, lack thereof)?
- A vampire who's been alive for so long she's lost count must have some sort of political beliefs, even if it's just "fascism is bad"
- You should mention the "blood bank not biting necks" thing sooner, it would add depth to her prejudice
Starla:
- Too many nicknames. I'd cut it down by at least half.
- Humans cannot naturally have golden eyes, is this some sort of genetic manipulation, color contacts, or magic?
- Being unfocused and flighty and wanting to join NASA don't work well together unless she's actively working to improve herself, otherwise a careless accident could kill
- The drug lord boyfriend thing isn't really a prejudice, it's a worry. Prejudice would be thinking that any guy who looks slightly like her ex has to be a drug dealer, or something like that.
- She doesn't date, but has a drug lord ex? Is that why she stopped dating?
- There is no "good side" in politics ;)
- How is she able to take care of a cat when she's living on the streets and constantly on the run?
Clarabelle:
- Too. Many. Nicknames. "Sass Master" in particular is cheesy and cliche
- Woah woah woah, that ten-year age gap between her and Starla is…not good. Is that ever commented on in the story, or just brushed over?
- Again, purple eyes are impossible for humans to have
- Mannerisms are not mannerisms, but personality traits
- Swearing a lot isn't really a flaw, unless she works around small children
All in all, they're a decent (but very cliche) start, and need a good amount of improvement, especially in fleshing out personality-wise.
