forum Does someone want to critique my short story?
Started by Olivia
tune

people_alt 43 followers

Olivia

Jeton ran faster than he ever had before. He was jumping over and dodging years' worth of debris. Debris that used to be magnificent buildings. He glanced back over his shoulder and smiled at the beautiful girl who was following so close behind him. Her long, auburn hair was flowing behind her in an elegant cascade. She smiled back then proceeded to run up an almost-vertical, mostly demolished chunk of what used to be some sort of presumably impressive architecture. He lost sight of her for one terrifying heartbeat then she stuck a perfect landing and reappeared next to him.

She was suddenly overcome with a bout of coughing, which was not uncommon on account of the significant accumulation of dust in the Exitium. But it worried him nonetheless.

The rapid gunfire had ceased, and Jeton slowed his sprint. He strained to hear noises that might betray any pursuers. The roar of engines was barely audible. He and Amaya both released their breath. They both giggled and he pulled her into a hug. "We made it," he whispered into her hair. She pulled away and smiled, "Of course we did, silly. We're the best in the business." He studied her face. She really was beautiful. He loved her so much.

Her eyes suddenly widened in horror. She screamed his name as he felt pure pain ripping through his body. As he fell, all that concerned him was Amaya. He crumpled to the ground and his last coherent thought was, "I'm sorry Amaya, I'm so, so, sorry."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everything stopped.

The assailant, dressed all in ATROX official gear, zoomed away on the standard ATROX motorcycle.

No! No, no, no. This- NO! “No,” she whispered, falling to her knees. “No,” she breathed as the tears began to flow. “No,” she stuttered as the sobbing commenced. Through blurred vision she caught a glimpse of what they had done to Jeton. His lifeless body lay limp on the ground, limbs sprawled in all directions. Blood, so much blood.

Amaya wiped a fist across her eyes, though the tears kept coming. She slowly stood, her hands clenched in fists, and surveyed the broken landscape around her. Suddenly, she threw her head back and screamed to the sky “This, this is unforgivable. I will find you! I will find you and make you pay.”

A raindrop hit her in the eye.

She collapsed and continued her lamentation.

“Do you really think she can find us?” Trillian exploded with. “No. Shut up.” “But-” “No.” Trillian glared at Felon, her supervisor and only her senior by four years. He returned the scowl. Trillian stuck her tongue out at him, folded her arms and pouted. Felon responded with a sigh and rolled his eyes, "Look, Trillian, I- you- we're on a tight schedule. You know this. You also know we are in the most secure building in the world. One girl could never get in here by herself!” “You clearly have no idea what ‘one girl’ is capable of,” Trillian raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and smirked. She flicked his nose and walked to her station.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Felon absent mindedly rubbed his nose where she had flicked and smiled at the incredible girl who he was assigned to train. He had been her instructor for six days. He constantly wondered about how any one person could be so perfect. Her long, light blonde hair had natural beach waves. Her skin was tan, beautifully sun kissed. She had huge, brown, doe eyes that were framed by long dark eyelashes. She had a small nose, freckles splattered across. Her lips had a slight, natural frown that she regularly dispelled with her glowing smiles.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As Trillian walked away, she prayed with all of her being that she hadn’t gone too far with the nose flick. She really needed Felon to pass her, and if she was being honest, she really wanted him to like her. She risked a glance back at him, and luckily his back was turned. She smiled. Her smile dropped as she studied him, his shaggy brown hair, his broad shoulders, accentuated by his tight black shirt. She examined his arms, dang, those arms. And his pants really looked nice on his- he began to turn. Trillian hastily spun around to her monitor and stared intensely at the screen hoping against hope he didn’t see her scrutinizing him.

Amaya opened her eyes. She blinked a few times and squinted into the gray morning light. Had she fallen asleep? How long had she slept for? She sat up, rubbed her eyes and blinked again. She felt awful. What happened? Her eyes were puffy, had she been crying? Why- oh no. No, no, no! Jeton! That’s… that’s why. That was why she was crying. She glanced down and gasped. He looked horrible.

She scooted closer to his body and started straightening his limbs. She moved him into a more natural position. She sat back and looked over the love of her life. His unkept, rugged hair was dark brown, almost black, and flopped over his forehead. His usually bronze skin was pale and covered in blood. She rubbed her thumb across his cheek. Her eyes started welling with tears. She had known Jeton since they were little kids. They had been best friends for all of her seventeen years. They were going to get married. They had talked about it. They were going to get married once she turned eighteen, in three weeks.

He was going to turn nineteen tomorrow. No, yesterday it had been tomorrow. Today. He would’ve turned nineteen today. The tears began to spill down her cheeks, silently mourning the loss of her soulmate.

@M.W.Poel

Jeton ran faster than he ever had before. He was jumping over and dodging years' worth of debris. Debris that used to be magnificent buildings. He glanced back over his shoulder and smiled at the beautiful girl who was following so close behind him. Her long, auburn hair was flowing behind her in an elegant cascade. She smiled back then proceeded to run up an almost-vertical, mostly demolished chunk of what used to be some sort of presumably impressive architecture. He lost sight of her for one terrifying heartbeat then she stuck a perfect landing and reappeared next to him.

Like this paragraph, it's well written.

She was suddenly overcome with a bout of coughing, which was not uncommon on account of the significant accumulation of dust in the Exitium. But it worried him nonetheless.

There's a jump in action and tone between the paragraphs. one moment they're running around, and the next their suddenly fragile (is that the right word?)

The rapid gunfire had ceased, and Jeton slowed his sprint. He strained to hear noises that might betray any pursuers. The roar of engines was barely audible. He and Amaya both released their breath. They both giggled and he pulled her into a hug. "We made it," he whispered into her hair. She pulled away and smiled, "Of course we did, silly. We're the best in the business." He studied her face. She really was beautiful. He loved her so much.

Wait there was gunfire? maybe mention that at the start of the story. Up to this point, I was reading it as 'kids having fun running around for no reason'.

Her eyes suddenly widened in horror. She screamed his name as he felt pure pain ripping through his body. As he fell, all that concerned him was Amaya. He crumpled to the ground and his last coherent thought was, "I'm sorry Amaya, I'm so, so, sorry."

The word suddenly might be unnecesary?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everything stopped.

The assailant, dressed all in ATROX official gear, zoomed away on the standard ATROX motorcycle.

No! No, no, no. This- NO! “No,” she whispered, falling to her knees. “No,” she breathed as the tears began to flow. “No,” she stuttered as the sobbing commenced. Through blurred vision she caught a glimpse of what they had done to Jeton. His lifeless body lay limp on the ground, limbs sprawled in all directions. Blood, so much blood.

Amaya wiped a fist across her eyes, though the tears kept coming. She slowly stood, her hands clenched in fists, and surveyed the broken landscape around her. Suddenly, she threw her head back and screamed to the sky “This, this is unforgivable. I will find you! I will find you and make you pay.”

A raindrop hit her in the eye.

She collapsed and continued her lamentation.

Try to write a more fluent change between the pergraphes. right now each is written well individually but feels like they were all written on different days.

“Do you really think she can find us?” Trillian exploded with. “No. Shut up.” “But-” “No.” Trillian glared at Felon, her supervisor and only her senior by four years. He returned the scowl. Trillian stuck her tongue out at him, folded her arms and pouted. Felon responded with a sigh and rolled his eyes, "Look, Trillian, I- you- we're on a tight schedule. You know this. You also know we are in the most secure building in the world. One girl could never get in here by herself!” “You clearly have no idea what ‘one girl’ is capable of,” Trillian raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and smirked. She flicked his nose and walked to her station.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Felon absentmindedly rubbed his nose where she had flicked and smiled at the incredible girl who he was assigned to train. He had been her instructor for six days. He constantly wondered about how any one person could be so perfect. Her long, light blonde hair had natural beach waves. Her skin was tan, beautifully sun-kissed. She had huge, brown, doe eyes that were framed by long dark eyelashes. She had a small nose, freckles splattered across. Her lips had a slight, natural frown that she regularly dispelled with her glowing smiles.

Is…. is this detailed description really necessary? it seems out of place somehow. Maybe write some more other stuff around it if it is? A paragraph being almost entirely descriptive of a person's appearance isn't too interesting to read.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As Trillian walked away, she prayed with all of her being that she hadn’t gone too far with the nose flick. She really needed Felon to pass her, and if she was being honest, she really wanted him to like her. She risked a glance back at him, and luckily his back was turned. She smiled. Her smile dropped as she studied him, his shaggy brown hair, his broad shoulders, accentuated by his tight black shirt. She examined his arms, dang, those arms. And his pants really looked nice on his- he began to turn. Trillian hastily spun around to her monitor and stared intensely at the screen hoping against hope he didn’t see her scrutinizing him.

Maybe try to switch a little less between perspective when people are in the same room. basically, swap the paragraph As Trillian walked away and Felon absentmindedly paragraphs for a more fluent reader. It's hard for readers to keep switching in such small amounts of time.

Amaya opened her eyes. She blinked a few times and squinted into the gray morning light. Had she fallen asleep? How long had she slept for? She sat up, rubbed her eyes and blinked again. She felt awful. What happened? Her eyes were puffy, had she been crying? Why- oh no. No, no, no! Jeton! That’s… that’s why. That was why she was crying. She glanced down and gasped. He looked horrible.

She scooted closer to his body and started straightening his limbs. She moved him into a more natural position. She sat back and looked over the love of her life. His unkempt, rugged hair was dark brown, almost black, and flopped over his forehead. His usually bronze skin was pale and covered in blood. She rubbed her thumb across his cheek. Her eyes started welling with tears. She had known Jeton since they were little kids. They had been best friends for all of her seventeen years. They were going to get married. They had talked about it. They were going to get married once she turned eighteen, in three weeks.

He was going to turn nineteen tomorrow. No, yesterday it had been tomorrow. Today. He would’ve turned nineteen today. The tears began to spill down her cheeks, silently mourning the loss of her soulmate.

QAQ that last part is so sad! and nice flow as well.

Deleted user

Love the story and plot but maybe had more characters and have their emotions be more clear and emotions and individual personalities stand out.

@CharBar

ok so this os going to be possible the worst review i've done for anything in my life but

overall, I think it's really good. you seem to have a habit of overusing subject names though, so if you are in the same sentence instead of saying "Amaya" twice, use her name once, and when you refer to her again say "the young girl" or simply use a pronoun. Put a little more emotional depth in there and practice writing "Show VS Tell"
(It's a common form of writing things, here's a more detailed link : http://www.wright.edu/~david.wilson/eng3830/creativewriting101.pdf

other than that, happy writings pal

@CharBar

Shoot partner, I just love helping people when I can. Your story seems like it has potential, good luck with everything that comes after👍