forum Does anyone want to give me there best critique on a chapter of mine?

Started January 28, 2018 by @itskayhere

tune

I need a second opinion.

I'd be happy to take a look if you'd like!

"I am going to hell" I muttered to myself as I picked my jeans up off the floor. I threw them on the bed and walked to the door to close it, but I heard a familiar giggle that was in my ear last night. I looked out into the hallway and saw Asha with a red head and blonde getting on to the elevator. Asha was blushing while the other to were screaming happily in her ear not giving a fuck about her ear drums.

I closed the door, and went back my suitcase and pulled out my laptop and put it on the table where Asha and I just had breakfast. I opened the laptop lid and turned it back on.

As I waited for that I decided, or my body decided, that it was time for more coffee. I walked back to the cart and picked up the coffee pot and poured it into my coffee cup it used earlier. As I filled it to the rim, my phone started to ring. I put the coffee pot down and picked my phone up from the table stand, I saw who it was and rolled my eyes. Veronica. I declined the called and sent her a text.

To Vee: Stop calling me, I'm serious this time. Do not call text or contact me in anyway. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!

And then I deleted the phone number, after I locked my phone my laptop chimed. I walked back to my laptop and saw a face time notification from Bailey. I accepted the call and smiled seeing my sisters and brother on the other side.

"When are you coming back home?" Bailey asked me quickly.

"I'll be home tonight I promise babe." I told her, she looked content with my answer and waved goodbye leaving her phone with the twins. Why did I give her that she seven?

They sat there and stared at me. "What?" I asked them. "Is that a sign that there's a gun to your head?"

"Jeremiah had a girl over last night." Fi smirked and her boy version look alike rolled his eyes.

"First off all we were studying, in the living room with Bailey watching, I don't know the fucking wiggles. It was PG, hell G." Jeremiah explained to me. "It was all math, math, math with her."

"As in Alexa your tutor, who kindly offered to tutor you for free?" I asked fascinatedly. “First off all Fi, your brother doesn’t have a shot with Alexa Goldman, she’s a volleyball player with straight A’s. And he plays guitar in his room and makes C’s.”

Fiona laughed and shook her head. "How was your first day of school?" I asked them.

"It was eh, I guess?" Fiona answered looking down at her phone. "Oh I got a job." She shouted excitedly with smile on her face.

"Really? When did you apply?" I asked curiously.

"A few months ago for the summer but the were all book on employees. One just quit so the manager said thay I could work weekends, so it wouldn't interfere with my school work." She explained to happily. "Now I don't have to keep asking you for money, I'll have my own soon and then I can move out and live with daddy."

"Yeah, Fi. You do that." I smiled for encouragement. I was proud thay she went out there and got a job, also one that could work around her school schedule. My eyes darted to Jeremiah to see him looking at I'm assuming the tv. "And you Jeremiah?"

"Nope, I'm still taking your money. I like it here." He answer with a devilish smirk. I looked at the time and it was getting close to 10:00.

"Look, I have a meeting to get to and then I'll be on my way home possibly before dinner alright." I told them as I waved goodbye. They said bye and I exited the face time app.

I opened my email and saw a new message from Clementine my lawyer. I opened the message and saw that it was telling me about a new assistant.

So apparently my current assistant just had a baby out if nowhere and wants to stay home with the kid. Well one congrats Skylar and Dylan, and two fuck you for leaving me with a new assistant.

Skylar knew everything before I asked for it. Knew the way I liked my coffee, how to properly clean the community fridge without being asked. That wasn't even a part of his job description yet he did it anyway, he also picked Bailey and the twins up from school if I couldn't. You know all two of the times I asked.

All the email said was; forgot her name but she is pretty. She is eighteen and her last name is Peters. College graduate with a bachelors and apparently is a super genius. Graduated high school when she was fourteen and moved on to college.

And you now have a nameless Assistant who is better than you. ;P

Ps how was your date??

And I replied: Shut Up.

“This? This is all you have to offer us?” Mel shouted at the landlord who was leaning against the railing near the apartment door. “No, we are giving $500 and this is already the slums of Seattle how much do you want to have a mold-free bathroom?”

“$1000.” He smirked as he reached for Mel’s long red hair, and she slapped his hand away and kicked his shin. She then grabbed my hand we walked down the stairs to leave the apartment building. I was tired and hungry, also very irritated.

“Mel, we need a place to stay. I can’t see why we can’t crash with Rae, she said that there is a pullout couch we can have.” I told her as we headed to the bus stop bench.

“I love Rae just as much as you do.” She said before she sighed annoyingly. “But I want a place where I don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time, or locking the door behind me.”

“This is a terrible neighborhood, we aren’t going to find that here.” I told her and she rolled eyes.

“No shit sherlock.” She laughed and side hugged me. The bus finally came and we swiped our bus passes and sat down next to each other. As the bus pulled away I felt my phone vibrate in my hand, I unlocked and saw a message from Justin.

Justin: Find your dream home yet.

Me: Nada, unless you can find a place we can get for $1,000.

Justin: haha, unless you want to live in south side. Been there, never want to go back.

Me: To good for the ghetto??

“Who the hell are you texting?” Mel asked nearly causing me to jump out of my skin.

“I’m trying to find a place to eat.” I said quickly hoping she believed me. I exited the conversation and went to google to find something good in this town.

“Can you find something with a good salad?” She asked me. Mel is vegan, has been for the last two years. When we were fifteen we saw a documentary in class and she became vegetarian and then she watched another video on YouTube and became vegan.

“There is no ‘good salad’ Mel.” I told her as I continued my search for good food, that included a salad for the vegan. Also, vegans don’t eat just salads they eat other things too but this one wants to eat a salad for some reason.

An hour later we got off of the bus which was in the city and where there was a lot of food options for the both of us and another apartment nearby.

Justin: Can I take you out tonight?

Me: I would love that but I’m stuck apartment shopping. Where a good place to eat??

Justin: Val’s you like pasta and they have some vegan stuff for your friend, who’s name I can’t remember.

“Can you stop texting lover boy for a minute, so we can find a place to live.” Mel demanded taking my phone away dropping it in her purse. We stopped in front of a coffee shop there were some roommate availabilities and houses and apartments for rent. There were forty papers and each of them had about ten tabs on them to pull off and take with you.

I spotted one in a zip code of a neighborhood that a had a low crime rate and a $900 first deposit. “Mel I found one.” I told her taking it down giving it to her. She read over it and smile came on her face, and then smiled at me. “Did I find a good one?”

“Yes you did.” She beamed throwing her fist in the air in joy. “You go order us some food and I will call them.” She told me pushing me into the restaurant. I walked to the register and looked up at the small menu. Coffee and Teas, Sandwiches and Salads, and Pasta.

"Hi welcome to Destiny's I'm Fiona how can I help you?" A perky blonde asked me as I continued to read the board. "And if I screw up I am very sorry its only my second day." She gave a small snicker.

"How old are you?" I asked curiously.

"16." She told me. "And you?"

"I'm 18." I answered her. “Are you guys hiring by chance?”

“You’d have to call our big boss and he isn’t here today. But if you take one of these cards.” She said pointing down in front of the register where so cards laid. “You can call tomorrow around eight or nine, that’s usually when he comes in.” She clarified, and I nodded in understanding.

“Thank you.” I told her. “Um what’s the best thing on the menu?” I asked her looking up at the ten-item menu. Two coffees, two teas, two hot cocoas, two fries, and two sandwiches. Super simple, I love it.

“Fries are great, Sweet Potato or Regular, and all of our fries are fried in peanut oil.” She said squinting her eyes trying to remember the menu.

“I will take two orders of fries, and a coffee with almond milk and a lemon iced tea.” I told her as she pressed somethings on the computer screen. She chewed her bottom lip as she carefully tried to find all the right buttons. On the small screen on my side popped up it said $8.25. I took out my wallet and took a five-dollar bill and four ones, giving her $9.00 in total. She put the money in the drawer and gave me $0.75 back. I took the that change in put it the jar for tips. “Sorry, I don’t have a job yet so.”

“No worries, thanks any way…”

“Asha. Asha Nadine Peters.” I answered her. I looked behind me to see if anyone was behind me in line and there wasn’t and Mel was still on the phone. “So, are you still in high school?” I asked her.

“Yeah, My Twin Brother and I just started our senior year at Jefferson High school this week.” She told me. “Did you just graduate from Jefferson, since your eighteen and all.”

“Oh, no. We aren’t from here.” I told her. “We are from a small town in Oregon. It’s called Blue River County.”

“I heard of that isn’t there a great college there, I was looking at it a few months ago with my older brother, Justin. Isn’t that a super Brainiac college that’s basically ivy league and its free for like extremely gifted smart kids like” she explained and smiled at the end and pointed at me. “You went to Blue River College, didn’t you?” She asked me.

“Osteology and forensic anthropology. I also know a lot of math.” I told her trying to say it in a nonpretentious way.

“Hey my brother, has some money. I mean he hates saying it like that but he does.” She chuckled lightly. “If your good at math I would love it if you can tutor me if you can?” she offered me. “I need tutoring you need the money, it’s a win-win situation.”

“That would be great, but you should probably ask him first.” I told her. I can’t just agree to be a minor’s tutor without their parent or guardians consent.

“Oh, no worries here he is.” She said pointing at the glass door, I turned around saw a familiar looking blond and a short red head walking to the restaurant. Then Mel came walking in nearly pushing them out of the way running her fingers through her long red hair.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me aside and I waved bye to Fiona at the desk and turned my attention to Mel. “What’s wrong, you seem upset?”

“Yes Asha, I am because we don’t have a place fucking to live and I am hungry and I am tired and I want to wash my hair because it stinks and my arm pits are sticky.” She said screaming loud enough for me to jump. I don’t do loud and she knows that. She held on to my shoulder and said that she was sorry for screaming in front of me. “I didn’t mean to trigger you, I’m just irritated that’s all you understand right?” and I nodded in response.

“Asha?” I looked at Mel and she looked over my shoulder and then back to me and smirked. I turned and saw Justin standing there with the small red head child attached at his hip. Judging by her height she to be no more than seven, eight at the most.

“Oh, what a small-small world.” Mel smirked again. “Is this who you were texting all morning?” again I nodded in response. Mel took her arms down and walked over to Justin and smiled at him. “Do you live here or are you a stalker?”

“Live here.” He answered looking at Mel.

“How do you know my brother?” Fiona asked us.

“A date.” Mel answered before I could.

“Awesome. Justin, Asha said that she could tutor me of you agree to it. Can she? She just moved here and needs a job anyway, plus she went to Blue River College.” Fiona bragged to her older brother, they had a great resemblance but I knew that wasn’t her twin.

“Do you and blonde girl’s name I don’t went there too?” He asked me, or well Mel. And I nodded. “And you don’t have a place to stay?” for the fourth time I nodded. “If you two can tutor or babysit, I have a pool house I never use, You two can have it for cheap rent, if you want?”

Okay, so, this is gonna take a hot minute to type up but would you like more of an edit-style critique or just things you've got going for you/need to work on?

And I replied: Shut Up.

“This? This is all you have to offer us?”

Between those two seasons it's like three weeks apart.

Scenes

The second option

Alright!

I'm assuming the protagonist and Asha slept with each other last night? That bit's not really clear, but it makes for an interesting first line! The next couple lines are a bit confusing, since you mention "a familiar giggle that was in my ear last night" and then say the protagonist and Asha just had breakfast at the table?

And I remember the next paragraph or so from the other thread! Glad to see you've continued the scene. ^^ Is the protagonist married to Bailey, or are they siblings? It's a little unclear, since they call her "babe" and there's nothing to explain their relationship presented. I really like that Fiona's nickname is Fi, though, it's super cute!

The infodump about Mel being a vegan takes me out of the story a little, I would cut down the mention to one line, and have the rest of it about her really, really wanting that salad. Another little thing would be, how would the protagonist know if a neighbourhood has a low crime rate if they're not from the area? Also, you mention that the restaurant had pasta, but list no pasta options on the menu! Triggered doesn't really make sense in that context, either, scared or startled would be more appropriate.

I also feel like you could extend the ending scene a little bit, it seems a bit sudden for Justin to offer the pool house like that, unless he knows Mel and the protagonist fairly well.

Aside from that, there's a few general writing tips to keep in mind: Vary your sentences! It's really apparent in the beginning, where there's several in a row that start with I, but I can definitely tell you're working on it. Practice makes perfect! ^^

Another tip would be to either italicise when someone is texting or writing an email - something to make it apparent that it's outside the flow of the story in general. With notebook.ai, you can either use underscores (_) or html (<> with an i in it). When you switch scenes, as well, it's common to put a break in the work, such as a couple asterisks or tildes. If you hadn't mentions that there were two separate scenes, I would have read them all as one and been very confused!

Also, remember to check which tense you're writing in. At the beginning, you were in past tense, but it switched over to present in the middle. Don't be afraid to go back and edit, or read what you're writing aloud - that really helps you find the flow and rhythm to your work.

Hope some of this rambling helps! ^^;

In the chapter previous to this one, they slept with each other and during the sex she giggled in his ear. She stayed the night and he ordered breakfast which was eaten at the table in his hotel room.

Bailey is his younger sister, she's seven and calls both her and Fi babe.

Asha did some research in certain areas in Seattle, also forgot to take that part out (the pasta).

I will change that.

Got it and got it.

Also it is italicized and bolded lol in Microsoft Word it is but when I copied and pasted it to my email then here it changed to regular.

All of this help so much @FantaPop thank you so so much. If you ever need help just ask away :)