forum do me a solid and drop a critique??

Started May 26, 2020 by @CinnamonRoll

tune

hi guys!!! I put my angel Natalie in a thread a little while ago, but I'm hoping to get some other opinions on her!! It doesn't have to be a WHOLE critique (although those would be much appreciated!!!!), just a general overview of what you like/don't like about her works fine. anyway anyway, here she is: Natalie Lindbergh

decimate her :)))))))))

Alright, I shall do my best.
Wow, this is a detailed character. she seems very well developed.
Her appearance was good, really good, I really got a feel for the character and a hint of her personality even before I started reading through it.
On to her personality.
The one thing that seemed out of place to me is "She's a woman of few words, and she tends to snap at people when they try to drag a sentence out of her." This doesn't feel like it fits in to me, you say she's ambitious and it doesn't seem like snapping at people when they try to start a conversation doesn't benefit her in any way, it just doesn't seem like the kind of than a truly ambitious person would do unless it's to someone outside of the organization completely. It's a little thing but something a noticed.
My second issue is you say she changed her personality to please those around her keeping the real Natalie locked away. As some one who actually does this, it is extremely emotionally and mentally taxing, I'm not sure the 'real' Natalie would even exist anymore. I would recommend showing some of the mental strain putting up a face causes. For me personally I will have to stay by myself in a room to let my brain reset after switching between a few different personalities all week, there's always the, what do you do when two people you have specific personalities for are with you at the same time. It's really taxing to keep up that image. I think you already mentioned it in her personality but there's some more food for thought. again it's more of a nit pick.
Alright on to history, One, how did a little upper class pansy get her hands on a knife to take with her to the ground, I found her just having a knife a little weird , even if her parents let her have anything a knife seems a little out there, maybe explain how she acquired that because it was a bit jarring for her to just have one (Again it's a nit picky thing)
Two, she seems to not really care that she lost her pinky, I understand in the moment adrenaline kind of thing but still later she would probably have a moment of "Oh my goodness a part of me is just gone".
Three, Diana just takes her to his boss after being asked to? and Nico actually allows this to happen? I don't think a crime lord's son would just see a random girl because their cook brought her over. Is it because she's an aristo and he can get a ransom for her, does Diana know this? It just seems like there's no way this dude would just talk to a random kid. much less tolerate her yelling at him.
Four, why is Juliana so interested in this random girl, again I just don't see why any one in this place would find her interesting at this point, she's nearly died, yelled at their boss and nearly died, she doesn't seem all that special to these people from my end.
Five, Why did the teller tell her any thing, did she do something for them?
Six, alright, I get that the girl is powerful but killing a mob boss that quickly seems a bit OP, I know she's good but we're talking about someone that's been doing this far longer than she has, maybe draw out that fight a bit.
Seven, why does Natalie go back to the under ground, I was under the impression she hated it there?
Eight, Again I know Clara loves her sister but why would she go back even if it was for her sister, Clara if probably traumatized by this place.
Nine, this seems like a really unsatisfying ending to this character, as a reader, to me it just feels like it ends with out a resolution, there is no end to this character arc, I don't know I know some readers are ok with uncompleted arcs but we've spent so much time with Natalie, having her story go uncompleted feels a bit wrong. You could have one last scene with them fleeing or do something that solidifies Natalie's spiral into this manipulative controlling ambitious power hungry individual. That is a personal preference of mine though so it's alright where you have her ending.
I think that's all I've got. Over a;; everything is kinda a nitpick I understand the need for the plot to move forward but right now it seems a little to convenient, add a bit more reasoning for other characters actions.
Over all a very solid character.

@Relsey thank you so much!!!!!! this was amazingly helpful!!!!!

I'll admit I didn't put as much into the backstory as I could have. Honestly, it got really long, so I just didn't include other characters' motivations on Natalie's page. They exist, I promise! Some of them do need more fleshing out, and you've helped with that enormously, but the reason they seem nonexistent is because they're on different pages. But I'll address a couple things:

Personality, you smacked it. I'll make some edits, thank you!!

1. She literally just stole it from the kitchen. She didn't know what to expect, nor how to use it, but she was in a bit of an adrenaline-fueled rage.
2. She does care! Sorry, I didn't make that super clean on the character page, since the actual incident itself is so small. But it is a big deal for a while.
3. Ransom is actually involved, yes! Diana hears the name "Lindbergh" and is all, "Oh, like the other one!" so she thinks it's chill. Also, I make everything sound really fast in the summary, but it's not. Nico spent several months getting Clara to trust him, and during that time, he got to know Natalie as well. It's not that he likes her, but he agreed to see her. The reason he doesn't kill her outright is more complex and involves his 'feelings' for Clara, but he basically waves her off with a death sentence.
4. Julianna's interested in her precisely because she's so helpless. She needs someone malleable and helpless who has no knowledge of her or what she does down here. Yeah, Natalie right now is annoying and messing up in all sorts of ways, but Julianna admires her courage in demanding to see Nico and thinks that she can be easily controlled and molded into an incredible force.
5. A combo. Not sure if I wrote it down, but the Teller is actually Thalia, which is important. For starts, she's all about money. Natalie uses a bit that she's scraped together (mostly from stealing) and offers it to the Teller for information. It wouldn't have been enough, but Thalia likes her. I mean, they eventually enter into a relationship, and I see this as the start of that. From the very beginning, Thalia has something to hold over Natalie–"I gave you Clara for free, basically."
6. It definitely appears OP, but the actual showdown itself isn't that epic. Angelica's been working a desk job for years, letting her kids and trusted lieutenants (one of whom is Natalie herself) do all the dirty work. I do have to consider more detail when it comes to Angelica's security detail, but the fight isn't much of a fight at all. Also, this is after about four years on the ground (this is a SLOWWWWW burn but with no romance oops). I might actually push out the timeline even more.
7. She's a little bit of a mess? She's been down there for so long that it's become part of her. She can't really exist in aristocratic society any more than someone born down there could. After years of suppressing her old personality, it's like you said–it's basically gone. She doesn't truly want to go back, and she tries to exist up there for a little while, but when she has her breakdown, it feels to her like she's going home.
8. It's a little bit of this, little bit of that. Clara blames herself for who Natalie became (even though it is by no means her fault). She refuses to believe that she can't get her little sister back. Also, she feels a bit out of place up above, too. No one understands what life was like on the ground–to say it didn't change her would be ridiculous. She was taken from here by police, and she didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her friends. So she wants to help her sister, she feels out of place, and she misses the people who can fully understand her. So she goes back. It's only for a short time, and she eventually returns back to the upper levels of her own will, this time bringing someone with her.
9. Yeah I… I know. But to be honest, in case you can't tell, there's less and less detail as I get closer to the end. I'm not sure if this is how her story will end! And If you don't like it, I will consider other options. It's difficult, because part of me wants to redeem her, but I've spent so long getting her to the point she's at now that I'm resistant to undoing all that, you know?

ANYWAY! Wow, I wrote too much. Surprise, surprise. Also, I promise I'm not trying to argue–responding is just kind of how I think out loud, in a way. The points you went after are already weak spots in the narrative, since they're turning points. They have to happen to establish the story, but making sure they're well-supported is HARD.

Anyway, thank you so much!!!! A full critique of my character means the world to me. Thank you for your excellent points–I'll do my best to reconcile them! :D