forum Demolish my Mary Sue ^^

Started September 29, 2018 by NOpe

tune

No mercy.

For the identifying marks:
How do the eyes stun opponents?

Because she's intimidating

perhaps instead of writing stun her opponents you write "Intimidating glare"?

Other then that she seems okay, then again this is my first time critiquing

Yeah I changed it

Cool.

Hair: Is it natural or did she dye it?
Race: I mean it's plausible, but does she really need to be all four? What do they add to her as a person?
Flaws: No one, not even mary sues, have zero flaws. Her perfection could, and probably does, count as a flaw.

Oh yeah, I forgot to change her to human lol. Yeh. Lemme change that

sO i came in here expecting a Mary Sue and i get a literal Mary Su(san)…
ANYWAYS
with her personality i wouldn't say she's trying to be the best she can be, because if she was trying that, she wouldn't be condescending. perhaps she's trying to be better than everyone else.
what do you mean by her prejudice? do you mean she just hates people in general? and why? "prejudice" is an unfounded hate or unjust treatment of some type of people. maybe she has a prejudice against "dumb" people, and believes all people dumber than her, so therefore has a prejudice against all people.
i would say the flaws could also be written as "using people" or manipulative, just for being concise. Nothing wrong with the way you worded it though.
i would also say if she's physically fit she would definitely have some muscle, so perhaps include that in her body type.
maybe clarify her political views. far-left is a bit confusing for me, as i didn't know what that meant and still don't, even after googling it. also, there's a spectrum!
i love the background idea!!
however, i would say with a background like that she could easily be the protagonist or the antagonist, not just the protagonist-to-the-left, especially if she and the protag end up on opposite sides of a murder trial. i really like the background idea though ok i'm screeching!!!! i'll beta read if you let me lmao

Yeaah she's just trying to be above everyone else lol. and yeaahh she pretty much hates everyone to some extent lol
ah yes
Yeah, I should add that in.
ah, I don't know much about the politics either.
Well, she's the deuteragonist for that reason. The pov is limited between Adam and her. So yeah don't worry she'll have just as much screentime as Adam.

That'd be great! XD