forum Critique Oze McBean please!

Started February 07, 2018 by @CharBar

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Hello! Can someone please critique my Character Oze McBean? Constructive criticism wanted, questions accepted. Thanks! Oze McBean
(She is also my first character on this site so, yeah…)

I'll try!

So you say her hair is short, how short? Like shoulder length? Pixie cut? It looks like you don't know what a mannerisms is. A mannerism is, and I quote, 'A habitual gesture or way of speaking or behaving.' So for example, 'paces when thinking,' would be one. And so would 'Rolls her eyes when someone she doesn't like is speaking,' and things like that! I think you should give her more flaws. She is a bit on the Mary Sue side. Even though you did give her a few, they aren't really 'bad flaws' if you know what I mean. Because everyone gets a bit angry from time to time and can't make decisions easily at some point in their life. And the other ones, like being introverted, aren't really flaws. Being introverted is NOT a flaw and neither is correcting people. Almost Everyone does that if they know that what they are saying is wrong.
Hmm, I don't really see how 'Is strong and fierce, not a lesbian' and 'loves country and ragae' are prejudices. A prejudice is a 'preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.' So thinks like 'Does not like teeny pop music,' would be one if she thinks all pop music is bad and influences others to do bad things or something like that. But the things I listed above, not really. Ehh, I know a lot of people skip religion or politics or put something like 'has no opinion' or 'none' or something like that which should be avoided at all times. Everyone, especially teenagers, have some opinion on politics whether they think their leader is a A**hole or that some of the laws are stupid! You don't have to go in depth, just put something small! I think you can add a few more things into her background! How was her relationship with her parents? Did she have/want any siblings? How did she get so smart as a kid? Was she born with it or did she teach herself all those things? Did she have any other friends besides Max? What is 'The opposite?'

Anyways, I think if you just fix up a few things you will have a pretty decent character! Good luck and hope I helped! <3

Okay! So, I gotta know: is there a reason she's named Oze? That's not a name you hear everyday. As much as I like it, if you chose it just because it was unique, it's just kind of weird. Her appearance is fine if not typical.

Moving on to nature: a mannerism is a small action someone does habitually. so tapping your foot when impatient, wringing your hands when nervous, crossing your arms when upset –mannerisms! What you have listed in her mannerisms can go in her personality. Also, someone who is both introverted and extroverted is called an ambivert. Her motivations are good, but vague. She wants to explore…what? Herself? The planet? The tristate area? She wants to learn…what? To dance? Mathematics? A dead language? Finding happiness is kind of a universal motivation, so making that less vague as well would provide more insight into her character. For her flaws, they're nice, but being introverted isn't a flaw. It's fine to be introverted! Also, you say she's emotional, but she also keeps things bottled up? Maybe say something like she keeps things bottled up and then becomes extremely moody when it gets to be too much. Also, i'm very confused about her prejudices. loving country and reggae isn't a prejudice, and neither is being strong and fierce. Not being a lesbian isn't a prejudice either…and I don't understand why you put that in there… is she homophobic? Because that's definitely a prejudice! Everything else seems fine.

On to the social section! For politics, it's better to just state her general beliefs, even if it's vague. Just saying she supports equal rights (or doesn't) would be enough. Everything else in this section is good.

Now the history section: I like that she's very smart, but make sure she's only smart in certain areas. Say if she's amazing at math, she'd suck at English, or vice versa. Hardly anyone is just naturally good at everything. Also landing a premature archeology job in high school is very unrealistic. How about an elite summer internship or a study abroad program? Also, the mission to the Aztec is confusing. She finds what relic? How does everyone except her die? why is she spared? What is the opposite? Is it like the upside down (Stranger things)?

Everything is interesting, but it just needs a little sprucing up. Good luck

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime and @Celestial-B , thank you guys so much for critiquing my character! you guys really helped me clear some things out, like as to what a mannerism is and to the confusion on some of my notes. This was, as I pointed out, my first character on this site, so I din't really think abut how she would be viewed by other people. So thank you so much, and I will work on cleaning up her details very soon. Also, I will answer some of your questions
Celestial: her hair is kind of like pixie short, as told by the pictures I have in the gallery, i will work on better flaws, I did not really intend being introverted as a flaw, what I meant by that was that she can be shy with a lot of people except the ones she is familiar with, i said the thing about being a lesbian through a personal experience of mine a few years back when i was called a lesbian for being on the stronger side as a girl(NOT THAT ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH BEING A LESBIAN BECAUSE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE AM I RIGHT), as i was writing this character i didn't really think of politics, so i will work on that, I LOVE all, the character building questions you gave me so thanks for that, and finally the Opposite is a part of our world that reflects our own, there are gateways to the Opposite(think like another altered dimension) which can be accessed by someone going through them, once you enter the opposite, you are given an ability based on your complete opposite(ex. short in real life probably going to have mass wielding powers in the opposite, scared of water=water manipulation) and those people have a choice to stay in the Opposite with their powers or go back to the real world, also some powers have side effects
Write- Funny that you ask that about her name, well Oze has been a name that I admired for a long time and so I decided I would put it to good use with a character that sort of reflects myself, did not know about the ambivert thing so thanks, she would love just to explore her world and find something that other people haven't, so when she discovers the Opposite it is going to be a huge decision for her, and she also just loves being in the outdoors, looking over small things that other people her age in her world miss, she wishes to learn more about the world and why she believes it is so limited, she believes there is more to what her world holds, she always has, and she loves reading and has a general thirst for knowledge(mainly science), i understand the confusion on the flaws so i will clean that up along with the prejudices(BY THE WAY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING LESBIAN AND THAT WAS JUST BASED ON AN EXPERIENCE I HAD A COUPLE YEARS BACK WHEN I WAS TEASED FOR BEING ON THE STRONGER SIDE AS A GIRL, BUT I LOVE PEOPLE WHO GO WITH THEIR TRUE LOVE AND LIFE CHOICES SO YOU DO YOU), will do for politics, i don't think there is anything wrong with being an introvert, just meant that she is shy towards people she isn't familiar with, yup, note taken for strengths and weaknesses, and yes, when i said 'premature archaeology job' I intended for something like study abroad or internship, So I'm glad that you also asked about the relic, the relic is called the Quetzle Fang and basically it was this super vague but omniscient object in Aztec myth(well this version anyway, I will have to check real Aztec to find something similar) that was possessed by the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl until he gave it to mankind as an item of warship, some human decided he would try to take it for himself, so the gods presumably cursed it and the temple it was in, i have a unfinished tab on it that i will eventually post in items, everyone else on Oze's mission died of mosquito carried disease and bacteria ridden water that wasn't able to filter out, they had taken it from an unsafe source and Oze was the only one with a mind to get and filter her water better, also she escaped the camp before getting bit or infected by the disease, yes, very much like an Upside down from stranger things, see my answers for celestial about it for more, i will also post something for it on universes
Anyways, Thank you both so very much for taking the time to look at my character, and hopefully I will be able to share her improvements with you both soon!