forum Critique my short chapter

Started May 11, 2020 by Deleted user

tune

Edit topic

“It all started on that fateful day, the 9th of October, 2010. I was 14 I had gotten my report card. Everything was a good grade, except for one. English. I got a D. I knew that my father would punish me, but I didn’t know how. I thought he would spank me or ground me. I was wrong. He told Allison to go to her room before he raped me. Her room, as I found out later, was 99.99% soundproof.

“He told me to take off my pants. I did. Then he told me to remove my underwear. I didn’t listen. I refused. He grabbed my underwear and removed them forcefully. He pinned me to the ground, my back facing him. Then he… he… put his thing… inside of me. I felt violated, breached, worthless, nay less than worthless. I felt like nothing to anyone. I screamed, but nobody came. He called me a bitch, cunt, slut, whore, dyke, etc, every time he raped me.

“All because I got a D in English class. He did this to me every time I got a bad grade or misbehaved. I misbehaved and got bad grades often because I didn’t see a reason to do good. There wasn’t any reason to. I screamed everytime he did it.

“Finally, it ended. I was 16. Sophomore year. Allison, one day for some reason, came down to see what was happening. My father was at it once again. She was disgusted and shocked when she saw what was happening. She tackled him down and kept him down. I was able to pull my pants and underwear back up. Allison called the police and had him on the ground until police arrived and arrested him. He went to court. He was proved guilty for 3 years of rape and pedophilia, and was sentenced to life without parole or probation.

“I hope he dies,” Rachel finished, with a tear rolling down on her face.

• This should defintitly be touched on, if not in this chapter then in ones before, but sexual abuse builds up it doesn't happen suddenly. Rachel would not have been living happily with her dad then he suddenly raped her. It could have started as verbal abuse, then progressed to physical, then rape. Whatever happens, there has to be a progression, rape by family members doesn't come without any warning.
• (Im going to assume Allison is Rachels sister?) Again, there needs to be a progression, and Allison would have seen or experienced it as well. Its definitely possible that Allison didn't know Rachel was being raped, but she definitely would have recognized the abuse within their family. By this I mean, Allison was probably abused as well by her father, maybe not to the extent that Rachel was, but it's very very rare to have an abusive father only abuse one daughter.
• If Rachel had screamed and Allison was in the other room, she would have heard something. Even in totally soundproof rooms, you can still hear things like screams especially if they're close by. Theres a chance the room could have kept out of all the noise, but those types of room would have to be purposely soundproofed with very expensive materials, and I can't see why that would be the case? And if somehow she didn't hear it, she still could have felt bumps through the floor.
• Allison wouldn't have been able to hold down her dad all by herself. I mean maybe if the girls held him down together, its possible, but if he had been able to easily subdue Rachel in order to rape her, then there's a slim chance they could overtake him, especially since Rachel would have been weak from the rape and Allison couldn't do it alone.
• You should definitely look into rape laws and punishments more. It depends on what state they're in and what exactly happened, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a life sentence. Also (it disgusts me that I have to say this) a lot of rape court cases aren't fair at all. Chances are, the jury could believe the adult male over two teenage girls, even if there was evidence and witnesses, a lot of times rapists sentences are no where near fair.

My most important note is to really really make sure you write abuse well. I can already see more problems just in how you wrote her confession about her abuse, not because you're a bad writer, just because its incredibly hard to write about this if you haven't experienced it. I'm a victim of sexual abuse and harassment, and although it wasn't the same as this, I definitely see some similarities between me and Rachels stories, so I just really really want to make sure you write it right. If you need any help or have any questions, feel free to ask me, I'm pretty open to talking about it, and it will make it much better if you can talk to a victim who can explain what a real life experience is like.