Leave me some constructive criticism and the favor will be returned with cosmic goodwill :)
The dry heat had become more humid inside the shabby black cab of the carriage. Sweat dripped down the brow of William Todd, one of the three occupants of the cab, and ran into his eyes. He swiped at it and glanced out the dull window next to him, hoping to be reassured they would arrive soon, but the only reassurance he gathered was that the sweat on his face would turn to mud as soon as he exited the cab. A cloud of reddish dust had engulfed their carriage as they drove, like the dry and choking sister of fog.
There were two things Will was sure of as he sat staring out at the dust. The first was that he didn’t much enjoy the London countryside, at least from what he’d seen. The second was that they wouldn’t need to stay very long at the Belleview manor. He’d read of their impossible claims ― certainly he had, as everyone had ― and he knew that it wouldn’t take long to prove them frauds. Stories like this always led to dead ends.
One of the horses whinnied, snapping Will’s attention back to the cab. The carriage jolted under them, throwing the two men in the seat opposite Will into each other. An unintelligible shout from the driver rang out as he attempted to calm the horses. All three men looked at each other, none quite sure what the problem was, and none quite brave enough to ask; a strange feeling had settled over Will, a hot-cold dread in the pit of his stomach that crawled up through his rib cage into his heart.
He thought he might throw up, or faint, or maybe both.
And then the feeling passed, and a clearing opened up before them. A large, dark and weary looking manor jutted up from the ground like a gravestone, sudden and a little wrong. Despite the sweltering heat of the cab, a chill ran down Will’s spine. Immediately, he chastised himself for being so easily spooked.
“Remind me again why we’re bothering to investigate this?” John Kingsley growled, exasperated. His head smacked against the wall behind him as the carriage slid to a sudden halt, knocking his hat onto the floor. He rubbed the back of his skull and grumbled under his breath.
Harry Brighton picked up his friend’s hat and set it back on his head, rapping the top with his knuckles. “Because head of house sent us, that’s why.”
Will put his hand on the door. “Let’s get on with it, shall we?”
[pt 1]
As the three men stepped out of the cab, the dust clung to their skin just as Will thought it would, mixing with their sweat to create a grimy, gritty sheen. The June sun was high in the sky, burning bright spots into their vision. They had just begun unloading their luggage from atop the cab when the door to the manor creaked open. A man dressed in a dark suit stepped out, smiling at them. It was a smile that looked genuine, felt genuine, but never quite reached his eyes. For a moment, the man stood there in the shade of the porch, observing his guests as they finished unloading their things. Only once the carriage had set off again, empty this time, did he speak.
“Gentlemen,” he said with the same odd smile. “Welcome.”
Nobody moved for a beat. The three men covered in sweat and dust looked up at the man of the house, and Will felt like an ache in his bones that something more than just his smile was odd. Something intangible, perhaps even sinister. Then Harry bounded forward to shake his outstretched hand, and the moment evaporated.
“Pleased to finally meet you, Mr. Belleview,” Harry said brightly. “My name is Harry Brighton. These are my colleagues, Mr. John Kingsley and Mr. William Todd.”
Will and John stepped up to shake his hand as well. Mr. Belleview surveyed them once more with a sharp eye. “The pleasure is mine. Now, before you come in, there are a few things I should make you aware of.” His smile didn’t drop as he spoke, but seemed to contrast the bright spark in his eyes in an alarming way. “I know you came here with the intentions of proving us to be frauds. You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last, but I must warn you that you will see impossible things here. With regards to your well-being, I advise you all to leave your skepticism at the door and proceed with open minds. Doubt is not a welcomed guest in this house.”
He let the silence sit and stared down at them. Will discovered that he couldn’t quite meet Mr. Belleview’s gaze. Finally, Harry found his voice. “Yes, sir. We’re all fairly open-minded people.” Which was a lie. But Mr. Belleview seemed satisfied and opened the door, ushering them inside.
[pt 2] format has been altered to accomodate the website
My only critique is that you use the word cab and carriage a lot in the passage making it seem sort of repetitive. You also use the word reassured/reassurance twice in the same sentence. You could try using reassured/information and use vehicle/mode of transportation instead of cab.
Overall I really like the feeling you set up in these paragraphs. I'm excited to seen what happens next! Happy writing!
"The dry heat had become more humid inside the shabby black cab of the carriage." You describe the heat as "dry" and "humid" in the same sentence; also heat doesn't become humid, air does.
"Sweat dripped down the brow of William Todd, one of the three occupants of the cab, and ran into his eyes." This sentence doesn't really flow well; I'd change it to "Sweat dripped down Will's brown and ran into his eyes." You don't need to introduce him as William Todd if you're going to refer to him as Will; his colleague later introduces him with his full name. (Same thing with later referring to John with his full name.)
The only reason I'm being so nitpicky is that I don't really have much to critique! Good job!
Thank you both! This has been really helpful.
