forum Critique my main characters please

Started June 10, 2019 by Deleted user

tune

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Aerin - Invalid Character
Myles - Invalid Character

Any criticism is welcomed

Hey! You'll have to set the character to public for others to see the details about them! I will critic after that if you wanted.

can you tell me how to set it to public???

When you are on your character's page, you should have a "share" icon. Tap that and it should show you the privacy settings

they are public!!!

I'm gonna take these one at a time, if that's alright, starting with Myles:

• You say he's a main character but his role is literally "Aerin's boyfriend". This can a dangerous trap to fall into, having his entire character revolve around his love interest: mentioning that he's the love interest in the Family tab should be enough! You can even go so far as to mention Aerin in other sections, in subtle relation to his traits, to show how close they are, but that Myles is still his own person.

Looks:

• I'm being nitpick-y here haha, but try to be more specific than "between tan and not tan", esp because people can have a different vision of "tan": is he sun-kissed, or just naturally more dark-skinned? What are the colors/undertones in his skin?
• A small contradiction: 5'7" is already below the average height for men (at least, in the US, which is 5'8"), yet you describe his body type as "Tall" when he's below average. (if you do change his height, you'll have to up the weight as well, just in case).

Nature:

• You repeat yourself a little, putting "karate" and "jujitsu" in both hobbies and talents: there are two separate categories for a reason, there's a distinction between what you're good at and what you do with your free time. Of course you can be both, but along those lines a "hobby" is already something you probably do often enough that you're decent or even talented in it. I'm over-explaining myself, sorry haha, but leaving those two things in just one category should be fine.
• If I may say, you don't really emphasize enough in the Nature section, and you tell rather than showing: "can be an asshole" is all well and good, but doesn't really add depth to his character because you don't specify when he is an asshole, around who, whether it's because he's in a certain mood or because he's talking to someone he doesn't like, if it's simply his morals that are more loose and this makes him come off "insensitive". Is him being an asshole tied in with his depression? Is him being a flirt a coping mechanism? (A person with social anxiety, for example, may flirt constantly so as to gain the upper hand in social situations, to stay in control and to fake an ease and confidence they don't have. Just an example.)
• "listens to a lot of screamo/sad rap, writes depressing crap on a quote board" doesn't really describe his personality? But would be a great addition to Hobbies! If what you mean is that he's mopey, and copes through music and writing, write that!
• In general he's a little two-dimensional: you seem to be using his depression as a crutch, that when he's alone he's depressed, but when he's with other people or with his girlfriend he's totally normal: you may have a decent understanding of depression, but it doesn't show here. You seem to have his personality split into two, with little correlation between the two except whether he's "feeling depressed or not". You have other elements of course, with the talents and hobbies, but you don't develop on them enough for them to really weigh into his character. Having a mental illness affects a person, and the way they act, the way they think, the way they see the world: it doesn't, however, completely take over their character, though this is depending on the severity. Myles has a girlfriend, who you clearly say he's close with and who he has a deep connection with: this already indicates a degree of healthiness in his life despite his depression, and something you could emphasize on is whether or not he clings to this aspect of his life, to this relationship. A mentally ill person will have a coping mechanism, if not numerous, but you don't even mention that. You do mention aspects of his personality that COULD be perceived as a coping mechanism, but it's your job to make it clear and connect the dots, and not leave it up to your reader and their degree of understanding of depression.
• Motivation is good, and understandable.
• Why are his flaws, Flaws? Why is being flirtatious a bad thing? Why is not knowing how great he is a bad thing? This can be construed as him being humble, and the flirtation as being friendly. Elaborate. It's okay to state the obvious, like "flirtatious, despite having a girlfriend", or "has no self-esteem", but even these warrant explanations: why is he flirtatious, why does he have no self-esteem?
• Along the same lines, you have to convince the reader that Myles is "great", that he deserves sympathy for being insecure or for having shit self-esteem. I can see that you're trying to set up his redeeming qualities with him being a good listener, with him being patient (something I have to guess at), friendly, helpful (at least with his girlfriend, and you don't elaborate enough for me to be sure if he's like this with other or not). All that being said, you have to tie the elements into each other for them to make sense, to have a coherency. Don't be afraid to use long sentences, don't be afraid to over-explain, don't be afraid to state the obvious, so as to dive deeper and shed light on him form a new angle.

Social:

• Why doesn't he have a job? He's a grown man. You don't mention him being a student, so what's his excuse? Who's money is he living off of?
• You show another side of him that you neglected in the Nature section, that he's adventurous! Or curious, or nosy, take your pick: elements like this already add something to his character.
• Okay, his job is "exploring things": does he get paid? Who's he working for, or with? Or is it just a hobby? In which case, put it in the Hobbies section.

History:

• Ah! He's a student!! Cool cool, and it's interesting that you make the distinction that he takes online classes rather than on-campus: how does this tie into his personality? Also might want to put "Student" in the Occupation section haha. Also, if he doesn't have an actual job, who's paying for his college tuition? Or is it community college?
• What was his motivation for getting good grades? Teens who have no emotional support don't tend to try their best in school, they don't see the point, and they have no one to impress. He would've needed a particular motivation.
• Since you spend quite a few sentences on it, what made him fall so hard for Aerin? What was it about her that just clicked with him that he was so relentless in pursuing her? And how has this affected him as a person? A relationship, romantic esp, tends to affect a person at least a little.

Notes:

• "Always seen with one earbud in" THIS CAN GO IN LOOKS, in Identifying Marks!! That also shows more depth to him, it shows a closed-offness and may be a way to develop on music being a coping mechanism, that he feels the need to always listen to it so as to stay sane (I use the word lightly), to feel "alive".
• Very nice elements with the clothes and the playlist! I'm a big fan of character playlists myself haha, and just from the artists' names I have a good hint of what he listens to, what he relates to, what describes him. Be careful not to use songs as a crutch though, only as an extra to his personality, which needs to be developed more first.

This might be the longest critique I've ever done, and I'm very sorry I went off on sooo many tangents haha, I have a tendency to over-explain so as to not create any miscommunications.
I hope I wasn't too hard on you, I really try to hit every section and go in-depth with critiques because I appreciate that for myself haha. You have a good start here, for a character that could be very lovable and even relatable, but he needs more development. Good luck, and I hope this was helpful! If you'll allow it, I'd love to take a look at Aerin as well! :)

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that, you were not to hard on me, like i said "any criticism is welcome" i did this because i knew my characters were not believable to me and that if i saw flaws my readers would see them, i saw flaws and i tried to fix them then asked for criticism. Id love for you to look into Aerin's profile when you get the time, i believe shes better developed than Myles because I have done more development type games with her character.

Glad to hear I wasn't too harsh! :) Aerin next, then:

• Aah cute gallery!! Love the hair and the outfit. :)
• Love her middle name, is she French by chance?

Appearance:

• I notice she has the exact same eye color as Myles, was that done on purpose? ;)
• Also, do she and Myles have matching tattoos?? With the King's/Queen's crowns? That's a nice detail.
• I notice the whole of this section is a little bare, which you make up for with the gallery; careful in writing story-wise though, you would need to more thoroughly describe her attributes.

Nature:

• "Hates bullies" again, be more specific! It would add so much if you explained why she hates bullying: is it because of a personal moral code? Or a thirst for justice? Does she or someone she loves have personal bad experience with bullies?
• Similarly for "thinks everyone's fake and hates her": what is the reason for this insecurity, what is it founded on? Does she think everyone except her is fake? <– this would signal a bit of hypocrisy, another flaw to add.
• Aw she and Myles are a matching pair, they both flirt with everyone haha. Think more closely about your own decisions here, why you put flirtation as a flaw for Myles but not for Aerin: it signals inconsistency.
• "Aerin rarely talks around people she doesn't know, unless its to prove someone wrong, which is often." A HUGE juxtaposition here haha, either she talks around strangers often or she doesn't, you'll have to pick one. Also, it's normal to not talk to strangers?? Add more detail for why you're pointing this part of her out.
• Another slight contradiction (though I may be nit-picking here): an "extrovert" around friends, while you clearly signal that she's reserved around others she doesn't know. Introverts are often livelier around loved ones, that's natural, you don't have to be labeled an extrovert to be allowed to tell jokes, be cheerful, be yourself. An extrovert would typically seek interaction with strangers, is outgoing enough to strike up a conversation with anyone and make a new friend.
• Hm, you say "MAJOR anxiety issues" but I didn't really get that from reading her profile?? Something to elaborate on, I won't repeat myself too much from my Myles critique haha but try to tie in her anxiety with her other traits, because so far it sort of comes out of nowhere: any well-adjusted person can be quiet, distrusting of strangers, contemplative of the meaning of life.
• Hobbies are good, and nicely listed! Clearly establishes her as an artistic person, along with her idleness and philosophical musings about life haha. I see you trying to elaborate on her being an advice-giver, sometimes the unsolicited advice-giver even, and I would suggest to develop on this as well, because it immediately adds another layer that you mention almost in passing and not obviously enough.
• Some other things to think about: what's her confidence level like? What does it take to earn her trust? Why is she so involved in other people's business, to the point of correcting them at her own leisure, despite disliking interacting with strangers? Hypocrisy is a GREAT flaw, especially interesting for a main character, that I would suggest you develop more as well!

Social:

• I've been saying this a LOT here on Notebook haha, but there is no such thing as having no opinion on politics. It is impossible to stay idle on the subject, especially when you'e a legal adult, because politics are so entwined with the aspects of your life, from education to social status and life to literal human rights. Perhaps you mean that Aerin is conservative, or right-wing, as a girl who doesn't seem to think that politics affect her: this is the sort of ignorant (I use the word lightly) thinking that accompanies someone who's never had to suffer under the government or the system, someone who's life has been "easy" because they or their loved ones have never been systematically oppressed. Or maybe Aerin, as someone interested in philosophy and theoretical thinking, has some idea of what she'd like the world to be like, but has accepted that she, as one person, can't fix the system (which would signal a pessimism, another thing to elaborate on in Nature). Either way, she will have some sort of political opinion, even is she herself can't quite put a label or word to it.
• Another trait that comes out of nowhere: Aerin likes children enough that she's an actual teacher's assistant at a middle school (and we all know how scary middle-schoolers can be haha). A helpful nature, especially towards children, is definitely something to be developed on!
• (Again, I'm being nit-picky haha, but 9th grade is already high school, at least in the U.S.)
• Another small detail, for the sake of realism: you DO need a pedagogic degree, or something similar, from a college or university, to officially teach children in a school/institution. Is she also taking college courses along with her hands-on apprenticeship?

History:

• "didnt make many friends only trusted 3 people in her life until she met Myles at a party." Interesting, and AGAIN something to elaborate on. Which three people, since you're using a specific number anyway? Is it due to the sudden move and death of her parents that she had trouble connecting to other kids her age? It all warrants explanation, even if it can be guessed at: once again, try not to leave things like guessing at important details, up to the reader.
• (Also, if her anxiety is tied into the loss of her parents, it's definitely worth noting!)

Notes:

• The detail about makeup can easily go into Identifying Marks in the Looks tab! :)
• Love the details about clothing, and LOVE THE PLAYLIST god it literally adds SO MUCH I'm sorry I LOVE MUSIC

You are right to say that Aerin is more developed than Myles, but she still feels a little flat, personality-wise (I have a great physical image of her, good job in that front!).
Again, I hope that was helpful, and good luck! :)