forum Critique my homeboy based off me? Plz
Started by Caboose
tune

people_alt 47 followers

@jantz

Dwayne seems like a very interesting character to me. There are few things i just didn't get though. It'd help me, and others too, if you cleared up these small plot holes.

-Why are his eyes miss-matched
-If "He can teleport anywhere in the world so long as he can focus on where he wants to go" then why can he never control where he wants to go?
-You're a little confused on what ADD is. ADD isn't random jolts of thinking, it's not being able to focus, getting bored easily, or having a really short attention span. What you're describing seems more like ADHD, since Dwayne seems very hyperactive.
-Maybe go more in-depth as to why his parents made him wear an ankle bracelet
-What makes Dwayne annoying and random? What actions does he make for people to think that?

Caboose

I have ADD so it's more like the brain is hyperactive. There are several different symptoms that all lead to ADHD or ADD and people can experience others more than others. Like ADD kids don't have too many of the Hyperactive symptoms. When I was 15 I could be distracted so easily and shit would just pop in my head. Your right on all of those things, I'm not denying that but at times random thoughts do just pop in. It's like your mind makes little jumps.

So the idea is if Dwayne thinks of a place or pictures a place just randomly, boom he's gone.
His eyes are mismatched cause it's heterochromia I just thought it would look cool.

But I am definitely taking you up on some of your critiques and I am currently updating him.

@Becfromthedead group

  • More flaws. You have only 2 listed, and they seem to link back to him having ADD. He needs flaws that go with the rest of his personality as well.
  • Politics: is this more of an "I don't really care so I'm fairly neutral," or "I have a specific party/set of ideals in the middleground"?
  • Education: how far is he through high school?
  • Why is he on house arrest?
  • I second the "what makes him annoying and random?"

Overall he looks good. I really like how you made ADD affect his powers. It's all very interesting.

Caboose

Okay thanks for pointing those things out. I've gotten better at writing it's just some of these guys were my first on here so I'm just looking at updating them. I did write somewhere that he's not on house arrest he just has the modified ankle monitor to track him when he disappears. And I will be thinking of more flaws.

@Lexishere

Well um cough considering the fact that he doesn’t take criticism well…i’d not infuriate the guy with the aluminum bat who can teleport