I walked through the great sahara, my paws making small footprints in the sand. I was a Mongoose, a small creature, indeed. All I could see is rock and sand for miles, a dead bush every now and then. It might seem like a desolate wasteland to you, but to me, it’s home. My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the sun set.
I never left notebook.AI
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This is a pretty small snippet to get much of an impression from, but despite that I like it ^^ I feel like it could be made a bit more intriguing if we are instantly shown some kind of challenge the character must face or some job they have to do, rather than a simple explanation of the character and their world. I'm no expert though, so I advise you do whatever you think works best for your story specifically XD
This is a good start! You did a good job at building the atmosphere here and (although it could do with a little more detail and flushing out eventually) is a great way to kick off a story! Keep on going, the more you write the better you will be! I would say that this is already an improvement from the last piece I read from you (which wasn't bad, by the way)!
((Also, you might want to move this whole conversation to the "critiques" forum. It's made specifically for stuff like this that's kind of off-topic in the character section.))
Thank you @Young-Dusty and @JuniperDreams
I walked through the great open sahara, my fluffy paws making small footprints in the sand. I was a Mongoose, a small creature, indeed, but I still ate poisonous cobras. All I could see is rock and sand for miles, a dead bush every now and then. It might seem like a sad, desolate wasteland to you, but to me, it’s home. My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the warm sun set. A bird flew by, it’s wings flapping to create a lift. All was good with my life, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was never a thrill seeker. I wanted my life to be simple. And my life was simple. Just sleep, play, hunt, eat, repeat. That’s all I wanted, that’s all I got. I was looking for something, a snake. I sniffed around, looking for the slithery reptile.Then…found it!! A King Cobra, It perked up and hissed, and we stared at each other for a while. I was the first one to make a move, I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, and bit down hard. The cobra whipped me with it’s tail and made me let go. It was tired already, so I tried to swat it down, but it bit my paw. I lept over its head and attacked from behind. Bite, swat, scratch, dodge, bite, swat ,scratch, dodge. Eventually, the snake Tired out. I bit the snake again, and dinner was served. It actually tasted pretty good, compared to mice and sand. Yep, when times were tough, I ate sand. Now let's not talk about it again.
Very nice! The changes at the beginning look good to me. Seems like a decent story so far ^^
^^
(just popping in to say you've improved a lot, dude 👍)
I walked through the great open sahara, my fluffy paws making small footprints in the sand. I was a Mongoose, a small creature, indeed, but I still ate poisonous cobras. All I could see is rock and sand for miles, a dead bush every now and then. It might seem like a sad, desolate wasteland to you, but to me, it’s home. My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the warm sun set. A bird flew by, it’s wings flapping to create a lift. All was good with my life, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was never a thrill seeker. I wanted my life to be simple. And my life was simple. Just sleep, play, hunt, eat, repeat. That’s all I wanted, that’s all I got. I was looking for something, a snake. I sniffed around, looking for the slithery reptile.Then…found it!! A King Cobra, It perked up and hissed, and we stared at each other for a while. I was the first one to make a move, I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, and bit down hard. The cobra whipped me with it’s tail and made me let go. It was tired already, so I tried to swat it down, but it bit my paw. I lept over its head and attacked from behind. Bite, swat, scratch, dodge, bite, swat ,scratch, dodge. Eventually, the snake tired out. I bit the snake again, and dinner was served. It actually tasted pretty good, compared to mice and sand. Yep, when times were tough, I ate sand. Now let’s not talk about that again. After dinner, I went to bed. The sun would rise in a couple hours anyways, and I needed to be ready, I would go on another hunt at sunset. THE CHAPTER IS FINISHED NOW!!! (Still taking criticism)
Thank you @Pickles-EmpressOfKangarooRatsAndAceSnail!
Random, out of the blue fun fact: It's Mongooses, not Mongeese
Interesting! Didn't know that xD
Also, a tiny suggestion: I don't know if your story's formatting is the same here as it is on th actual document, but if so, I recommend adding a paragraph break at "I was looking for something" and "After dinner, I went to bed". That might help the narrative flow a bit better I think. Keep it up!
Yeah, there is. I just copied and pasted the story and forgot to add the paragraph breaks XD
Another Random, out of the blue fun fact: This is an apocalypse story
Another Random, out of the blue fun fact: This is an apocalypse story
Ooh. A post-apocalyptic book written from the perspective of a mongoose? That's one hell of a premise.
XD I am actually laughing right now
I mixed my 2nd favorite animal with my 3rd favorite genre and there we go. Boom.
Lol sounds like a pretty cool concept!
… do you mean genre?
Yeah.
When I finish the story I'm gonna give you the whole thing. All two hundred something pages. In only about 16 posts. (I would do it in one but there's a 500 character limit)
or is it 5000?