forum Critique my characters, you cowards.

Started April 21, 2018 by @alanye

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Please critique these special people. Thanks.

Esperanza Black: Esperanza Black
Peter Armstrong: Peter Armstrong

I'll see if I can help you out a little!

• Esperanza: One, I absolutely love her name it's so pretty and unique and ughhhhh I just love the title the Black Bandit so much. Yeah I think her eyes count, especially if they're rare for her race, and defiantly if their the first thing you notice about her. Maybe write it as "her striking blue eyes" or something like that. Haha, heard like bad girls, well I'm bad at everything winks at you with both eyes is the meme that came to my mind when I read the first mannerism. Like that a lot! Maybe add a couple more flaws?? I would probably add "tries to hide her emotions. She cries in secret," from mannerisms to flaws as well, maybe changing up the wording a bit though? Also, maybe more details in personality? I go overboard with the personality column, so that might just be a me thing. You say she was the top of her magic class, but if magic is illegal, what school was she going to? Especially if she was a slave. Maybe more details in her background as well, like does her mother love and care for her? Did she raise her, and if she did, did Esperanza know she was the ocean goddess? And if she didn't, why did she leave her daughters in the first place? Why couldn't her father give her the earrings, did he die, and if he did, how? I'm guessing their mother could saved them from the slave raid because she's a goddess and all, but why didn't she? Who was Esperanza sold to, and how did they treat her? How did she escape? All in all I really love her character and would totally read a story about her!!
• Peter: Armstrong? tries really hard not to be Fullmetal Alchemist trash That's a… nice name there… I bet it… WAS PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!!! fails Okay! My apologizes if you didn't get the reference. I am total trash. "straighter than he is" I'M DYING. Aww their the total opposites of each other, I ship it. Just like Esperanza, maybe add some more details in flaws and personality? Maybe specify on what Ursula is the goddess of? Wait his favorite color is bright blue… like the color of Esperanza's eyes… omg they're getting cuter by the second. "knifey-knives" love it. If magic is illegal… why are so many people learning it? Is it one of those laws no one really pays attention to? Like jaywalking? Did Peter like the monk? Did he and the monk form a father-figure like friendship? Why did he choose illusion magic? And why is it rare? Why did he and his family move? Maybe explain more about the situation when Jericho's minions killed Charles? What did his mother die from? Why were his siblings out of everyone the ones taken for ransom? All in all, I love this character a lot as well and would totally ship Petanza. Or… BlackStrong? Either one.

@ThiaL Thank you so much for critiquing my characters! A few things I'll clear up:

• I should have made it clearer with the magic… It's not illegal to learn magic, it's illegal for them to learn more than one TYPE of magic. Peter chose illusion magic and now that's the only type of magic he can learn or do. Let's just say, when someone in this universe learns more than one type of magic, it's almost like they're implying they are on the goddesses' level. That's like someone saying they're God. Sorry 'bout that confusion.
• Esperanza's mother is the ocean goddess, Mara. Mara is evil and dangerous and definitely does not care for her children that much. Esperanza's father was with them until they were… uh, let's say 12? 11? That's when they were taken during the raid and he was unable to hand her the earrings on her sixteenth birthday. Mariah was able to grab them at the last minute. Still hashing out her personality and background, since I've honestly only had this story for… uh, since last night??? oops
• Now, I'm sorry, but I don't get your reference on Peter's part. However, Armstrong is the name of my family's Scottish line of descent, so I guess it has been passed down? From me to my fictional son, Peter.
• Ursula, at least what I have planned for her, is the goddess of water. Any water, anywhere. She has power over Mara.
• Thank you for shipping Peter and Esperanza so much, I'm very glad they give off that sort of vibe. I have plans for a slow burn romance between them, that also involves Esperanza disliking Peter a lot, and slowly growing to love him. Ah, I love me some slow burn romance. As for the ship name, I've been thinking Peteranza? Although, BlackStrong is a good one too…

Thank you again for critiquing my kids, I appreciate it! I could leave a link to the universe if you would like to look at it for reference? Thanks!

Sure I'd love to look at your universe! Sounds really interesting! I love those ships where they seem to dislike each other and it slowly turns to love, omg, they're just so cuuuuute!
Sorry about the reference xD couldn't help myself. Basically there's this family in the show Fullmetal Alchemist (the Armstrong family) and everything's been passed down in their family for generations and its really funny. "THIS SWORD HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS" "THE HAIR LOOP HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS" "THIS ALCHEMY TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS" and just keeps going! Now it's kind of a long running joke between me and my brother to randomly say something's BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS. So yeah… saw his last name and just couldn't stop myself.
Out of curiosity, would you be interested in looking at two of my characters? Only if you want to, absolutely no pressure.

@ThiaL Here's the universe: Esperanza Black and the Crew of the Silver Spirit
I'm still working on it, though so no promises of greatness. And sure, I'd love to look at your characters! I've never critiqued anyone's characters before, though, so like, I probably won't do a good job? Hopefully I can help, though.

I really like it! "but there's also magic. And pirates. Magic pirates." made me laugh way harder than it probably should have. And, "I mean, it's the same physics as ours, but the people who can use magic just ** it up anyway." OMG I am dying. It sounds like it would be very fun to read about!
Anyway, here are two of my mains for my book Fox with a Tambourine. They make up my trio of main characters along with Ziff (whose character bio I haven't finished yet). Just let me know if they sound interesting or if there's some major plot holes I'm missing!
Ginger: Ginger
Caleb: Caleb Kaimi

These characters look good to me! I'm gonna be honest, I had never heard the word deuteragonist before seeing you use it, that's a cool word! But seriously, I think these characters look good, you have a long entry in the personality type box, and that's awesome. Your backgrounds are like whole novels and that's really good too. Having more mannerisms for both of them would make them come to life on page, people have tons of quirks. Otherwise, these are good!

Thank you! I'm glad you like them! I'll start working right away on more mannerisms! You're actually the second person to comment on "deuteragonist," it's a cool word, right?! I legit just searched "name for character second in importance to the protagonist" and it came up.