forum Critique My Characters? Please
Started by @ShadeStar
tune

people_alt 53 followers

@Celestial-Burst

I’ll give it a shot! Though I can only critique a few right now, I may come back to the rest later!

All right, here we go.
So first off, Cicada. I’m a bit confused by her hair color. What exactly do you mean by “quickly the red retreats to her roots and tips leaving the rest brown”? Is this a time thing? Or is this something that happens during the story? Is it natural? Explain! You also said that she has a flame over her eye? What do you mean by that? Is it a tattoo or a mark? Is it also natural?
In her hair style, you said her hair is long, but how long exactly?? Long means something different for every person, and it’s always good to have an almost exact estimate to help you and others know what she looks like! I try not to be super picky with the look section of characters because I know how it can get when writing them lol.
Alright, now to the nature part of her.
I don’t think “disliking people who think they’re better than every else” is necessarily a prejudice. It’s just really more of a dislike and preference than anything. Also, why does she dislike those who work for shadows or Brecken? Detail is always super important for these types of things! You want to be able to show this to someone who has never even heard of your character and story and have them be able to understand exactly who your character is, why they act the way they do, and their story!
This is just my opinion, but I think you should go a bit more in depth in her personality section! From what I can tell, she seems like a super flawed character, and by that I mean she has lots of flaws personality wise haha. I’m sure she’s got her good traits as well, but you only put two! And you even said that she’s only outgoing and charismatic occasionally! So put the rest down! If she doesn’t have many good traits, and ends up seeming like an annoying/bad character (not saying she is tho lol), then what is going to make the reader root for her?
Her background to me seems very… bare? There’s not much you explained other than who her parents were and that she met her friend, and I guess that forenfir burnt down as well. Add some more things! What were some moments in her childhood that really effected her? What kind of childhood did she have exactly? How did she feel after the place burnt down? Again, details!

Alright, now on to Breeze!
Again, in her identifying marks you said she has some patterns and butterfly wings and… mark of the storm wind? Explain! Are they naturally there? If not when did they appear? And what is the mark of the storm wind?
Woah, she seem super under weight, like almost anorexic? If that’s not what she’s supposed to be then I suggest raising it. Google said average weight of a 17 y/o female is like 130 lbs, but even that seems a bit too low for me unless they’re super skinny and short.
Alright, now for personality and the rest of that fun stuff!
So what exactly do you mean when you say one of her talents is “having a heart”? Do you mean literally or metaphorically? I’m assuming metaphorically lol, but you never know. Also, why is that a talent? Is it uncommon for people of her age or race or even of her time to be kind? Are a lot of people rude in the story?
Her flaws confuse me a bit. She’s too kind and caring but holds hate in her heart? Do you mean she herself is hateful? Because to me that doesn’t really mix well with being kind and caring. Or do you mean she holds others hate in her heart? Like when people are evil or mean, she holds onto it? Her flaws also seem a bit meh. She doesn’t really have any actual Flaws. Like yeah, I guess people can be too nice, but that’s boring! That makes for a boring character! Put more depth into it! She’s too trusting of cicada? Why not expand that and say she’s too trusting Of others in general, and because of this, she can be taken advantage of and can be considered naive? That’s just an example of what I mean, but I suggest expanding on her flaws.
Hmm, it’s the same thing with her as cicada, her backstory is so bare! Did she ever search for her parents? Does she know where they are or what happened to them? Did anyone take care of her for a time? Again, details!

Well, that’s all I have time for! Sorry they’re a bit long haha, I like to go really in depth when I critique things lol. But that’s about all I could find wrong other than grammar problems here and there!

If I have time tomorrow I’ll come back and do the other two! Good luck with your story!

@ShadeStar

Thanks for checking them out! I guess in my head it all makes sense, then again shouldn't it? I've never been the best at putting their traits into words and am more about expressing them through the story.

Yes, everything it natural brcuase its more of magic based world and often the changes happen overnight. The Mark stuff refers to the mark described above becuase that was sort of the formatting style I went for.

Cicada has redeeming traits I just forgot about them when I was quickly writing traits for her personality down so I'll go do that when I have time. Brecken and the shadows are a big part of the plot as they are sort of the main antagonist and caused a lot of pain for her in the past. And with the backstory, I wanted to get the defining event down and then sort of skimp the rest since a lot of it is just her growing up as a theif on the streets of the capital.

Breeze is supposed to be skinny and short that was the vibe I was going for. Being, what 90lbs? And 5'4" probably isn't great, but it's manageable. I should know. Not having the best diet for most of her life was a big factor that played into it. I put 'having a heart' as a talent becuase from a first glance it appears that she's the only one in the group that has. It was more there as a little 'ha ha funny' for me. I really need to develop her more so that's why her flaws seem a bit barebone. I know she's the sweetheart of the group so I focused on that.

Again thanks for looking at them and I will definitely be making changes.

@Blossom_Utonium

River

Now this is a boy I can get into, but I think he's got a long ways to go on the road to becoming a fully fledged character.
1) I love the idea of him going with the flow. The positive of this is definitely that he's easier to get along with. However, there's definitely some opportunities here for it to be a negative. Maybe he's afraid to have an opinion of his own, lest it upset others. Maybe he's too much of a people pleaser.
2) It says that he dislikes seers, but he's also a seer?? Does he hate his own magic????? I'm a little confused. It could, however, create some cool internal struggles, which I am always a fan of.
3) Why doesn't he like people taking possession of him? Is there some stuff in his past that backs this up? It just seems like there needs to be some evidence to support this.
4) His emotions "roaring like a tidal wave" to me makes it sound like he's guilty of bottling/suppressing his emotions. Again, leads ya right to some of that excellent internal struggling that I crave.
5) Why does he want to return honor to the family name? The history you gave contained nothing that seemed dishonorable, so I'm a wee bit confused at to why he's motivated by this. Also, I think he needs a couple more motivations, just to round him out.

James

1) The transition of the three mystical sounding names to just "James" gave me whiplash. Why is his name just James? It's kinda freaking me out.
2) I don't like him as a person. All of the traits you've given him make him sound brusque, unfriendly, and like a bit of a know-it-all. I think this boy needs a little softening.
I really don't have anything else to add, those were my two sticking points. Hope this helps!

@ShadeStar

Thanks for checking them out as well!

River:
I'm glad you like him! I was worried he was too underdeveloped, glad to know he's not that bad. Yes, the seer thing is more an internal/external mother. His mother was very possessive of him because of the visions she saw since she is also a seer. At one point his family was reverred as seers until his mother came along spouting a doomsday prophecy every other day and they were outcast. It's more or less his mom f***ed everything up for any future Urchsons.

James:
I named him James and never came up with a better name for him. And so it just sort of stuck. I also worked the name into Cicada's past so I can't exactly change it now. River's name was originally Antonio, but, obviously, I came up with something better. Also thank you for not liking him. You're not supposed to, at least in the beginning, he gets better as the series progresses. So trust me, the boy goes real soft later on. Like I said all the personalities are for them at the beginning of the series not accounting for character arc and his is probably one of the biggest.

It definitely did! Thank you again!

@Rainy_is_back

Cicada Everflame

  • Looks: I say this to a lot of people, but a body shape/figure. I have a few cites I like to use, I'll list them here in just a second! Since she's a human, I'd go a little more specific on the Race. Is she American, Latino, German? There's a ton more, but maybe put her core Race. (For the body types) 1, 2

  • Personality: Looks all good to me! Though it would be good if you put how she expresses different emotions, not necessary though!

  • Favorites: A tip I was given and love, give the reason why their favorite thing is their favorite thing!

  • Birthday: You don't seem to mention the exact date? Why's that? Just because? It's fine, just thought it would be good to give and actual day.

  • Family: Boy I about had a a flip out. I thought her father and her love interest were the same person- Oof no actual notes besides that!

  • Gallery/Clothing: Nice add ins! I love the gallery pic too!

I believe that's all I have (Time for tonight too) to say! I'll probably be back with more for your other characters tomorrow. But she looks good besides the few tweaks! Happy developing!

@ShadeStar

Thanks! I'll definitely put it to use.

A thing about the Race is that the universe she comes from there is no separation into different ethnicities. If you're a human, you're a human. The other 'races' are Mer (Mermaids basically), Fae (Fairies and other not completely human but don't live in the water hybrids), and Elves (Elves.) The biggest difference would be if your from the kingdom of Spirits of from the kingdom of Heilig in that department.

The same thing goes for the birthday. I don't have an exact calendar system set up yet, so I give a general date for their world which in her case is the first day of summer.

@Rainy_is_back

(Man… I really should do your other ones like I said, though I just did like five in a row- so uh yeah, I'll be back later when I don't feel tired from going through characters XD)