forum Critique my Character??

Started February 05, 2018 by @LavenderZo Premium Supporter

tune

Referenced backstory: the villains in my story cannot escape the woods they're trapped in unless they have a human who can power the machine that gets them out. Peter is the protagonist of the story

LINK: Gregory Eli McGurten

Sorry, this is going to be a bit long, but hopefully helps you out. ^^; His overview looks pretty good, though does he prefer Greg or Gregory? How a character introduces themself says a lot about them.

His looks page, however, could use a bit more detail. You say that he's a bit shorter than Peter - how tall is Peter? How tall would that make Gregory? You can always use approximates for height and weight, if you're not sure on exact measurements. How pale is his hair - more of a straw colour, or something you would get if you bleached it? Is it almost white? Same with his hair style - how raggedy? How long is it? Does he do anything with it, like mess it up by running his hands through it? What colour blue for his eyes? How lithe is he - does he have wiry muscles, or are his limbs a bit too big for him to control? Is he gangly? Details!!

The first thing I notice on the motivations page is that he has no mannerisms or prejudices! Does he fidget? Does he have a cough from being sickly? What does he do when he's angry - when he's bored or happy? Does he resent other humans since he can't run the machine? how does he feel about the homunculi? His motivations also need a bit more detail - why does he want to please them? His flaws look good, but you could probably add a bit more to the character ones. Does he hate to start conflicts? How passive is he - could someone slap him in the face and he would forgive them? How does that conflict with his moral code? Which way does said moral code swing - towards unfailingly good, somewhere neutral, or unfailingly evil? What other things can he do well, aside from sneaking around? Can he read pretty fast? Is he good with words?

That he's not afraid to sneak out sort of conflicts with him trying to please the homunculi, does this come later in the story? You could probably put 'cowardly' under his flaws, if he grows braver throughout the story. On his social page, you don't have anything for his politics, which is a tragedy. I think one of the other folks on here runs a 'how liberal are they' scale, (I think it's @CinnamonRoll?) which would definitely be a bit more helpful than just an n/a.

You have his birthday as some nebulous date surrounding Peter. Again, details! Was he born late in the month? Early? Which season did the homunculi take him in? Why did his mother leave him in the woods - what was she angry about?

I really love the style category you added - it adds a lot to the character and helps me picture him a bit better! Overall, I think you have a pretty good character to start with, but could stand to use just a little bit more detail to help you keep him in character as you write.