This is one of my main characters and I’ve been trying to redo her and fit her into a plot. All plot context can be found in her linked universe. Sorry that this all kind of sucks, I only ever seem to work on it when I’m super tired. Feel free to ask any needed questions!
Link: Berlin Irene Alredge
Honestly, she comes across as too edgy. Her motivations include her friends but no one would be able to handle such an unbalanced and unhealthy person. Also at 15 it's very very unlikely that she'd be into all the things she's into (drugs, alcohol, clubbing etc..). So maybe take it down a notch, treat her a bit more like a person. At this rate no reader would be able to relate to her or like her, and without a good mc the whole story falls apart.
k, so:
- clarify that the hair "falls" to just below the shoulder. it sounds almost like the part is three inches below the shoulder, which would be hilarious but a bit weird-looking.
- also explain what her hair looks like! is it straight? wavy? thick? thin?
- i don't think you can say "very matte skin". i'm not sure what that means. if you mean her skin is not oily, then just don't say anything. i don't think it's really possible to have "very matte skin" without a load of matte foundation
- you could say she looks frail or fragile, though i don't think the hourglass figure is that unimposing. she could be unhealthily skinny, as that would make her look very small and weak without going for the ever-so-desired "hourglass figure" very few people actually have an hourglass figure.
- if she wears so much makeup and has so many piercings, i highly doubt that she would actually look so small and weak.
- what do you mean "always has an intense expression"? does she have a resting bitch face?
- gesticulation is another way of saying talks with her hands, but that's just an extra thing
- when you say "gain of worldy possessions" is a motive, do you mean she has none or is just a materialistic person?
- i don't think being mistrustful of others makes her self-centered. it more makes her very protective of her secrets.
- alcoholic is different than a drug addict. you can't put "alcoholic drug addict" because alcohol is alcohol, not a drug. (instead say "an alcoholic and a drug addict")
- do you mean she is mean to people about their appearance to maintain a tough reputation? it's hard to do so if you judge others silently and let them know you are judging them (this is not from experience, i promise).
- i'm not sure if an alcoholic/drug addict who is judgmental and wears too much makeup would be a great model.
- not entirely sure a thing she doesn't like can be a favorite weapon.
- i don't know that her background/other facts about her history really line up with the fact that she supposedly had a family with lots of money.
- based on the descriptions of her personality and looks, i still highly doubt that she could be a model.
- i am also doubting her hourglass figure. very few people are born with those looks and often it takes a lot of maintenance and hard work to get there and stay that way. if she's a drug addict/alcoholic, it's going to be almost unheard of her to have that figure. she'll also probably be far more imposing than you say she looks, what with being in a gang and all.
- so reading her clothing choices is leading me to a lot of different ideas. bottom line: a drug addict/alcoholic is not someone who's trendy, beautiful, and goes to such a prestigious school even based on her status there's almost no way they would accept her. as well as this, her personality itself makes me reluctant to believe that she would ever willingly wear revealing or trendy clothes or go to such a prestigious school, especially because of her parents. if anything she will be wanting to rebel against them because of her treatment.
also, i agree with what someone said above - it will be hard to write her in a way that readers will like, based mostly on her personality. she has to be relatable in some way in order to be remotely liked by readers. also, 15 is probably too young to be involved with this stuff and at 15 there's almost nO way any sort of hourglass shape would have developed. as they also said, there's a high probability that she's not going to have many friends if she at 15 is addicted to drugs, alcohol, is part of a gang, and goes out nightclubbing in skimpy clothes.
she's pretty well developed but in a few different ways that seem to be tearing her character apart. keep at it!
I'd say you hit the gas on her background a little too hard there. It makes sense for one thing to lead to another (abuse to drinking to parties to drugs and so on and so forth) but it doesn't seem natural for a 15 year old. I feel like drinking would be a last resort thing at that age. If you're going to keep everything, it's much better to spread it out more like over the course of another few years or so. Not only for realism, but it also gives more time for an audience to digest everything that's happening. Overall, i think her character is a little out of tune and unlikable for an audience or readers (as the commenters before me mentioned). Nothing that can't be adjusted for the better though! :)
