forum Critique my character?

Started January 15, 2018 by @Celestial-B

tune

Can someone criticize my character or maybe give me tips or tell me if there is anything wrong with her?
Here she is»

1. I love the name Lillith

2. Is she underweight? I know she is small for her age, but if she is 16-17 and 4'10" then she would probably be more of around 100 pounds.

3. If its shoulder length then how does she braid her hair? Does it brush the top of her shoulders or go past it?

4. You put the exact same thing as hobbies as on talents. Is this on purpose?

5. Does her dad pay for the schooling? If he is an alcoholic and doesn't care about her, then why would he do that?

Currently, this is all I can think of because I have been surviving on two hours of sleep the past two days, but I hope you continue writing your story!

Hello! I have a few critiques for you if you don't mind. ^-^

"…her dad is always gone and when he is home, he beats her while hes drunk if he is angry or super drunk ;-;"
This sentence is very confusing. I would suggest rewriting it and possibly splitting it up into two separate sentences to make it easier to understand. For example: her dad is almost never home. When Lillith's dad is home, he often beats her when angry or drunk.
"super drunk" is a bit repetitive, so I left it out. Is this supposed to indicate that he beats her more when he's super drunk?

Wow, surprise magic! ^-^ Might I suggest adding how Lillith got her powers in the backstory, as well as what her sword is/does? Also, is her sword magic too?

Her talents and hobbies are a bit repetitive. Might I suggest splitting it up like this?
Talents: She is really good at painting and is pretty good at singing.
Hobbies: Painting and singing.

I really like the rest of her personality. She seems like a very realistic, and like-able character! ^-^ Also, she looks so cute! ^.^

I hope this helps you! ^_^

Also, dang it @NothingHappened871. You're always so much faster than me! XDD

1. I love the name Lillith

2. Is she underweight? I know she is small for her age, but if she is 16-17 and 4'10" then she would probably be more of around 100 pounds.

3. If its shoulder length then how does she braid her hair? Does it brush the top of her shoulders or go past it?

4. You put the exact same thing as hobbies as on talents. Is this on purpose?

5. Does her dad pay for the schooling? If he is an alcoholic and doesn't care about her, then why would he do that?

Currently, this is all I can think of because I have been surviving on two hours of sleep the past two days, but I hope you continue writing your story!

1. Thank you!
2. No, I was guessing on the weight part, I'll fix it soon!
3. It brushes her shoulders a bit, they usually are small braids lol
4. Ah, that was an accident, i'll have to fix that too.
5. I guess I should say that her mom pays for it because she does care more about Lillith than her father, but she can't really do much because her runs the house.

Thank you for the help! I'll go and fix them asap! And I hope you'll be able to get more sleep~~ lol

Yay I love doing these!! I'm gonna work from top down, give you some pros and cons…

First, I actually have a Lilith too, so that's pretty cool!

Ok to the real stuff:

You mention people calling her shorty and other names that mean short. Is this in a mean way, or do her friends do it? I would add that detail somewhere, because nicknames like that can go both ways.

She sounds so cute!! Just one thing here: I'm guessing you meant either emerald or bottle green, but I would just put that down. It's a pet peeve, not a super huge deal.

Her talents and hobbies are the same thing, which isn't necessarily bad, but is there anything that she likes that she's terrible at? Is she good at something she hates? Those things are important to think about too. For example, you said she's good at math, but didn't list that under talents.

Magic really jumped out at me! Fantasy is basically my religion, so that hyped me.

Sad backstory… I like sad backstories, but a couple things you could add: you mention 'parents,' then only talk about her dad. What's up with her mom? Is she also abusive, or is she abused? Did she leave? Die?

Tell me more about Grant! I absolutely must know about him!!

Ok so that's my overall… just a few notes:

I'm really happy that you're writing a shy main character. They're so rare and so awesome!! I hope that my feedback helps you!! :DD

Ahh I always take so long! Welp here it is anyway :P

Hello! I have a few critiques for you if you don't mind. ^-^

"…her dad is always gone and when he is home, he beats her while hes drunk if he is angry or super drunk ;-;"
This sentence is very confusing. I would suggest rewriting it and possibly splitting it up into two separate sentences to make it easier to understand. For example: her dad is almost never home. When Lillith's dad is home, he often beats her when angry or drunk.
"super drunk" is a bit repetitive, so I left it out. Is this supposed to indicate that he beats her more when he's super drunk?

Wow, surprise magic! ^-^ Might I suggest adding how Lillith got her powers in the backstory, as well as what her sword is/does? Also, is her sword magic too?

Her talents and hobbies are a bit repetitive. Might I suggest splitting it up like this?
Talents: She is really good at painting and is pretty good at singing.
Hobbies: Painting and singing.

I really like the rest of her personality. She seems like a very realistic, and like-able character! ^-^ Also, she looks so cute! ^.^

I hope this helps you! ^

Ah i'm sorry its confusing. Some of this I wrote under almost a minute and so occasionally I guess I wrote something that didn't make sense.

That is a good idea! I'll probably add that in soon!

I just fixed them, thanks though! ^^

Aw, thank you lots! This helped a lot! Again, thanks.

Yay I love doing these!! I'm gonna work from top down, give you some pros and cons…

First, I actually have a Lilith too, so that's pretty cool!

Ok to the real stuff:

You mention people calling her shorty and other names that mean short. Is this in a mean way, or do her friends do it? I would add that detail somewhere, because nicknames like that can go both ways.

She sounds so cute!! Just one thing here: I'm guessing you meant either emerald or bottle green, but I would just put that down. It's a pet peeve, not a super huge deal.

Her talents and hobbies are the same thing, which isn't necessarily bad, but is there anything that she likes that she's terrible at? Is she good at something she hates? Those things are important to think about too. For example, you said she's good at math, but didn't list that under talents.

Magic really jumped out at me! Fantasy is basically my religion, so that hyped me.

Sad backstory… I like sad backstories, but a couple things you could add: you mention 'parents,' then only talk about her dad. What's up with her mom? Is she also abusive, or is she abused? Did she leave? Die?

Tell me more about Grant! I absolutely must know about him!!

Ok so that's my overall… just a few notes:

I'm really happy that you're writing a shy main character. They're so rare and so awesome!! I hope that my feedback helps you!! :DD

That is so cool! I guess that is a name that a lot of people like ;D

I guess people do it in a mean way and her friends also do it. I will fix that and explain it more!

Oh for her eyes xD I wasn't planning on showing it to anyone anytime soon so I just threw something about them being green in there lol. I'll go ahead and fix it

Yeah, I just fixed them! So they should be different now and I did put math in there as one of her talents ^^

Same lol. I've had a few people tell me to put more about magic in there so I will :D

Oh I'll have to put more about her mom in there too. I left her out for some reason but I cant remember why now

Ohh i'll write more about him don't you worry xD I'll put him in there now!

Thank you! Yes they are, and that I think is one of the reasons why I decided her to be shy because I wanted something a little different than normal y'know? Again, thanks! :D