forum CRITIQUE MY BOI PLS!!
Started by Deleted user
tune

people_alt 3 followers

@Yamatsu

You've done a great job with him so far! The only question I have is, are those Goaga nuts rare? If you eat enough of something, you're bound to gain weight, whether it be soup, cake, or copious amounts of nuts.

@AloeVera groupMentallyImInACottage

Alright, I almost wasn't about to critique this guy. I was going through his profile thinking, "He's very well thought out." In fact, my critiques focus on what's missing rather than what needs to be changed, but I thought I'd try my best because I'm currently in a similar situation; I have a character who seems developed enough, but I need a new pair of eyes to critique him so I know what to tweak.
Anyway, on to the critique!

How and why is he considered a warrior when he doesn't fight? Additionally, an average warrior should have some muscle, but considering his diet and weight, warriors should have more muscle. (I understand the warrior is in quotation marks to signify this, so it might not even be a correct critique, but I'm genuinely trying to find something haha)
Why is blue his favorite color? Could help to state it in there, I know it's minute but it works.
Is there further explanation on his race?
The history is a good run-down, but it might help to do a liiitle bit of explaining things here and there. How long have the Corporals been in hiding? How long has the government seen them as a threat? Why does the government see them as a threat (besides what's stated). Is this viewed as racism in other parts of the universe or does everyone else justify this? Considering the government is after his entire race, is he seen as just a rebel, or just an "alien" or less than a person? How difficult is it to travel through planets? Is the government ruling over more than one planet? Who are his friends and why do they ally with him, willing to lie to the educational-identification tracker for him?
Anyway, this might all be invalid questions, but I did want to try my best at critiquing him more in depth rather than what I'd usually do. Hope I helped!

Deleted user

wow thanks so much!!!
that was super helpful!!!
i can try to critique your character as well if you want ;v;

Deleted user

WOW OK SO SAME TO YOU HE'S SUPER WELL DEVELOPED
but the one thing i would say is i don't think drug addicts just get "a bit more sober"; typically once they're addicted it just gets worse, and when they try to resist the temptation or addiction they get withdrawal symptoms that also get worse as the addiction or resistance continues. (i promise i'm not speaking from experience lmao) but in that sense i think you could say he sobered up for a while, but maybe fell back into the habit of smoking? i'm also not sure if drugs are in any way helpful to an assassin's ability and if anything will hinder his ability to do much of his job, and withdrawal symptoms (should he have any) might result in some involuntary "nervous habits". heck, one of his nervous habits could be smoking and he wouldn't even realize it.
other than that wOW you've planned/written him really well